Am I supposed to be able to name just 1 downfall???
A few years back I saw a picture of myself at 256 lbs. I was disgusted. Along with my disgust was the dread of a 10 year class reunion and my brothers wedding within the year. So I found Atkins, stayed at less than 15 carbs every day for about 10 months and got down to 170 or so. I felt good, I looked good, I even didn't mind all the exercise. And boy was I getting noticed. Men were looking at me again, flirting with me even. Women were not quite as friendly...and family members gushed about the improvement. I felt... GRRRREAT! (inflect Tony the Tiger there).
THEN...I went to the reunion and the wedding and blew it. BIG TIME. By the time I made it back to New Jersey I was already at 180 I think. I promised...
promised...myself I would NEVER be over 200 again...NO MATTER WHAT!
And here I am. I kept thinking "ok...today I'll finish off this candy or this left-over pasta or whatever...and then tomorrow I'm back on Atkins. And maybe I'd do that...the next day I'd "try" to go back on Atkins and then my husband would suggest dinner at the Italian place...or we'd have a family get together...or it's Christmas...or we're running late and will have to eat fast food. Whatever. I have always had an excuse to blow it and couldn't get the motivation to stick to it like I had before.
I LOVE junk food...I LOVE pasta...I LOVE alcohol. My "downfall" is just plain old weakness...to live in the moment rather than thinking about the long-term consequence of eating stuff I LOVE. I KNOW all the right things to do. I KNOW how good I felt. I KNOW how much I hate being fat, hate that those stupid plastic stacking chairs exist and my butt doesn't fit in them comfortably anymore. I HATE that I have to buy "fat lady" ugly clothes. I HATE that my closet is full of "cute" clothes I can't fit into anymore. I HATE that I don't even want my husband to look at my body....heck, I don't even want to look at it myself!
With all of these strong emotions you'd think I'd be motivated to stay the course...but now I have this lingering doubt...realizing I lost it and SWORE I'd never gain it back...and then I failed. I DID gain it back...plus some. Maybe it's just not even worth the effort to lose it again?
Well...hopefully those negative feelings won't take over. Right now...I'm on track. I'm sticking to it and I feel hopeful. I'm here because I need this support...I need people who will hold me accountable even when I'm feeling negative about it myself.
Sorry this got long...My guess is maybe someone else out there can relate...or maybe it will just be the motivation someone needs to stop messing up now before they gain back ALL of their weight...or maybe I just needed to spill it all out for once. Whatever the reason I let this get so long...I guess I do feel a bit better.
Heh...maybe all of the typing burned off a couple calories!
Heather