December 23, 2003

The Chet Atkins fruitcake diet

Clear Creek Ranch, Mike Drummond

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I usually do my last-minute Christmas shopping at the lumberyard. My family and friends expect my trademark wide-mouth Mason jars filled with assorted nuts, bolts and screws, wrapped in the Sunday funnies section and tied together with duct tape.

Last year, I added wedges of fruitcake to the mix. Most lumberyards carry fruitcakes - they are wood products after all. Look under the tarps out in their yard between the sacks of asphalt and the paving bricks.

Wore out my chain saw cutting the wedges, but it was worth it to imagine the look on everyone's face in a year or two when they are digging around for a Phillips head screw or a hex nut and find a tasty treat bonus.

This year, Christmas shopping was even easier, thanks to Dr. Atkins. As many as one in four American adults is on (or claims to be on) his low-carb, weight-loss diet.

My friends may deny they are on it, but their ketosis-breath says otherwise. The roiling stench of all that rotting meat/protein gives them away.

So many Americans are trying to achieve lean, six-pack abs that beer sales must be plummeting. Why else would the major "liquid bread" beer belly purveyors be promoting low-carb beer?

Local health food stores report a dramatic increase in carbo-phobia. Where did that come from?

The Science Guy describes humans as a carbon-based life form, and, yet, faddists insist we should avoid the basic source of our life force? Buddha rejected asceticism less severe than this. Before you join Carboholics Anonymous, meditate on that.

I fired up the Ranch's solar-powered computer to do a little research. Even with the heavy overcast and rain, I was able to connect with the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine Web site (www.pcrm.org). Lots of interesting information there. A few clicks in their research section took me to www.atkinsdietalert.org.

According to their studies, long-term use of the Atkins diet may increase the risk of heart disease, colorectal cancer, osteoporosis, and impair kidney function. Some folks' bodies develop all the symptoms of advanced diabetes. Bah humbug, Dr. Atkins.

Of course that's a low-carb humbug, served without the bun. Not unlike the new low-carb burgers offered by the fast-food hucksters in town - no bun, just meat wrapped in a lettuce leaf.

I wonder if fewer ingredients translates into a lower price? Can a cheery low-carb sausage and bacon "candy cane" stocking stuffer for the kids be far behind?

So anyway, I slipped a Christmas CD - guitar instrumentals by Chet Atkins (no relation) into the player and did an analysis of the Dr. Atkins acolytes on my gift list. I tried to predict which recipient will get which disease.

Those likely to suffer osteoporosis and broken hips got collapsible aluminum walkers complete with old tennis balls on the casters.

Since every dieter would eventually experience kidney failure, I looked into getting each of them a dialysis machine, but that was a little out of my price range. Instead, I got gift certificates to the equipment rental yard in town, good for 12 hours of dialysis. The rental yard stocks several machines out there with the sump pumps and rototillers.

And a case of industrial-strength mouthwash for everybody. That ketosis-breath is strong enough to peel paint and/or light the Yule log unassisted.

The labels already warn them to "rinse but don't swallow." I can't imagine they'd dare. Mouthwash contains alcohol and that means carbs!

And more eggnog for me. How many carbs in a nog?

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Mike Drummond is a Nevada County writer whose column appears on Tuesday. You can write him in care of The Union, 464 Sutton Way, Grass Valley, 95945; or e-mail him at miked~theunion.com.