I had been doing so great, had been sugar/starch free for a full 4 weeks, even when I recieved word of my Mom being sick, I did not cave in. However, after I went to see her I caved and caved to the deepest, darkest black hole there is for a low carber. trying to do good. It is true this is not a diet, but a WOE and I feel so great when I am doing it right. Then when I give in thinking this food does not judge me, this food does not care if I use the proper English in the proper form. This food is non judgemental and it feels so good and I feel so safe when I indulge.
After all this being said and done then comes the feeling of disgust with myself for being so weak. For the past three weeks I have been on this out of control overload, knowing how bad I feel when I am finished. The guilt of being weak that I cannot face things without candy, ice cream or a loaf of bread to fall back on. I am trying to do some soul searching and that is why I decided to come to the confession booth not because I will get replies of '' DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP" cause it is true there is no reason for me to beat myself up what good is it going to do. There is something deep down that makes me want to stay fat and unhealthy I just have to find out what it is.
I so wanted to be aat 200 lbs. before my 50th birthday, guess what this is not going to be the year. Okay, I have about six and a half weeks before my 50th, if I get going really good at least I can lose some. Thanks for allowing me to vent my anguish and my fears and well as my hopes. This is a great place to be when you don't know where you are going. Joan

joan...
i soooooo know how you feel! oh how many times i have sighed that long sigh of REGRET. I am new to this site and i dont even know what all the abbreviations stand for....what is WOE ..but after falling off the wagon a year ago and gaining back all but ten of the 150 lbs i had lost the year before..i KNOW the anguish of that deep dark pit. i'm only 30 but am over 300 lbs..i used to be thin ...untill i let carbs take over my life. my advice?...Have a good cry...some hot tea... and rememer that you are NOT a failure...you are a beautiful person who God created and said "it is GOOD"...YOU are good...please don't let shame or guilt or fear keep you depressed and stuck in the carb cycle...i am just getting back on the wagon TODAY..and it is hard..boy is it hard..but i have to remember that in a few days with no carbs in my body , the world will look like a much better place. if you need anyone to pray for you or to talk to i am here for you ..one thing that helped me get through one whole day last week with no carbs was getting lost in a really good book....i didnt even think about snacking...i just drank lots of hot tea with cream between high fat/protien meals...sometimes it helps to get my mind OFF myself to get out of a rut..anyway...hang in there!!HUGS!

Amarise, thank you so much for the kind words. I like so many others turn to carbs and starch when my world is out of control. I can get really down on myself real quick and then I do feel well, FAT, THIS IS HOW I AM SUPPOSE TO BE and I'M NOT WORTH THE EFFORT TO CHANGE THIS. Yep, I'm a whinner her. I get so frustrated with myself, but this form has been a saving grace for me. I have found so many people here with wonderful advice all I need to do is heed the advice and set it into motion.
Again thanks and I am going to check out your journal and subacribe to it so I can keep up with you. Lots of love joan

Amarise, you have no journal??? Get one started we all need inspiration. Joan

joan....hi! how do i make a journal i am totally clueless about how to do that ... i'd love to keep a journal but i am a message board neophyte and don't know how!! thanks!-amarise

Amarise, go to the forum jump and scroll down to where it says journal/bootcamp you will post your journal at the a-b section. It is real easy cause if it wasn't I could not have done a journal.
I look forward to reading your journal. I think I am correct in what I have told you but if that does not work try clicking on the journal/bootcamp. Also to do your journal you would click on NEW Thread. Good luck joan

i did it! just posted my first journal entry..i probably rambled on way too long but it felt good to vent! please keep in touch joan and thank you for your help -amarise

... i just wrote my first journal entry, but when i post- like right now-no little journal icon thingy appears down at the bottom next to my profile and other stuff? everyone esle has one...why not me