parents...
It is terrible when we have bad experiences with parents. In my case, I know that my parents have always meant well, which may be a comfort, but they've often chosen the wrong ways to show it. I know that my self esteem problems stem in large part from them. My father was forever badgering me to stop eating from the age of 9 - and I look at photos of myself and I was absolutely fine until at least the age of 13! My mum has been on and off diets as long as I can remember, and both of them pressured me. Added to that a younger sister who had a perfect body, and the angst is ripe to build up.
I actually want my parents not to notice when I lose weight, because I spent so long dreading seeing them after a break of a few months because I knew the first thing I'd get would be the 'look' up and down to see if I'd put on or lost weight. I want them to love me for me, not for what I look like. Somewhere inside I know they do, but there is so much resentment and anger built up at the way they've dealt with my weight problem that I don't know if we'll ever deal with it. Last time I was home visiting my dad kept on saying how amazing I looked, and how there was only half of me, and why don't I try and encourage my little brother to lose weight. And I just felt like saying how about loving him for who he is? I know intellectually that he is truly concerned about our health and happiness but he just can't understand that he is going about it all the wrong way, and that we need love and support at home, not criticism. I spent enough of my teenage years miserable out of the house, feeling like a freak - I needed to be able to go home and feel secure and accepted. I know there are people who are objectively heavier than me, but they're happy with themselves, and confident. I'm sure it's because they had positive feedback at home. I don't know if I'll ever be confident, or get rid of these issues.
Of course the funny thing is it also varies so much from person to person. Me and my sister have the same experience with my parents, but my other, youngest sister got the same treatment but is totally different about it! She's always discussing diets with my mum, and talking about it normally, no resentment, no angst. She's had weight problems, but not as bad as mine until recently, after having a baby. Now I think she's actually bigger than me, which is unprecedented in my experience. She's also shorter, which makes it look worse on her.
I remember my other sister - the one who shares my perceptions of my parents, but also the one who had the fantastic body - telling me a couple of years ago that she had a nightmare - in her dream I had lost tons of weight and looked great, and so my dad turned around and started going on at her about her weight. As if we'd swapped places. While I understood, it also hurt so much to hear that. That it was a nightmare for her to be in my position, and it was the position I'd had to deal with all my life.
The thing is, if a friend sees me and congratulates me on my weight loss, I'm happy. But they're my friends - I accept that they like me for who I am, and liked me when I was bigger, and that doesn't change when I'm thinner. But my parents - I've never felt accepted, and that's what I want from them. I don't think I'd ever be able to accept that their acceptance was sincere though, even if they did change. It's been too many years; I know what they're like.
I love them very much, but it's amazing how much well-meaning parents can hurt you, isn't it?
Deborah
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