I am not that young and I have had it with my mother and her ways. All my life she has tried to be in some sort of competition with me. Whe I was slim she would have us both get on the scale to see who was lighter. When she would come to my house she always had to get something that I had in my house. This last time she visited she took pictures of me. Not of my front, nor of my face. No she took pictures of my rear and my side, all full length. There is no way she took these pictures other than to go home and say "She's huge" Does anyone have any idea why she might do this?

Does she know you are on this WOE? Maybe she was trying to help you get before and after pictures?

If you weren't comfortable with her taking the pictures, my first question to you would be "Why did you let her?"

No she does not know about my different eating habits now. I did not let her take the pictures. I didn't even know she took them until I saw them. She took them on a day where there were a lot of people at our house and I was not aware she had even taken any of me. But your right I can use them for my before and after story.

Only your mother can explani why she is doing this. For whatever reason it isn't right. She needs to support you in this, not try and make any sort of sly digs at you. Did she have a food issue of somesort when she was young? I.e - was she overweight or did she have some sort of eating disorder?
You are her baby and she should love you unconditionally, regardless of anything - least size!

Well maybe you should tell her how much the comparison hurts you...In a nice way. Maybe she is a competitive person??? Is she thin now? If not maybe she would join you on this WOE and be competitive in a good way with mutual supporting.

When I saw my mom for the first time after losing 43 pounds I was waiting and holding my breath for her to notice to say something to approve....nothing she said hi, kissed me and we got in the van. I waited most of the day and then I said i can't take it anymore can't you tell...don't you notice all the weight i lost?? She just smiled and smugly siad yes you look great but I wanted you to know I love you for you not for how much you do or don't weigh......This was kinda nice seeing how when i was there in July she had told me how I looked like I was gaining weight...which I was but definetely denied...

yeah, Becca, I didn't tell my mom that I was working on losing weight and when I saw her recently (after 20 lbs and 22 inches) she didn't say a word all day. I finally couldn't stand it and asked her if she'd noticed anything, and she said yes she had, but that was it. Didn't really ask what I was doing or encourage me. I was surprised at this, but have to shrug it off.

Cinnamo: Could this be a carry-over from a 'competition' for your father's attention? Maybe you were daddy's little girl and she felt left out, like she had to compete with you? For whatever reason, it's not very nice. Try to remind youself that it's not your shortcoming, your fault, but hers.

Hey, maybe you could use it as fuel for your willpower??

N.

Unfortunately, mothers get insecure just like everyone else, and they can be competitive with daughters when they have unresolved issues.

I have a sister who is very obese, and my mother has given her no support any time she tries to lose weight, even though they live near each other. I think my mother likes having a child heavier than she is herself.

At my grad school graduation, after being introduced to a lot of my friends (and granted, after a glass of wine), she said 'Can you believe I used to be as young as her...and skinnier?'

I was like..oh God Mom, quit it! I wish she could either lose weight or be comfortable with herself, because she's always been competitive, even when slimmer...

I said the exact same thing about my Mom in another thread. My mom has 3 daughters (I'm the middle) and she's smaller than all three of us! She used to have a weight problem when she was young until her early 20s, then she lost about 70 lbs and never regained it (even thru 4 pregnancies and over almost 40 years). But, she went thru times when she starved herself, bulemia, etc to do it.

I'm digressing here

But, she goes thru the motions of supporting me in weight loss efforts, but when she lived close by would always make brownies, butter tarts, etc, when she knew I was dieting (knowing these are huge red flags for me!). I really think she LOVES being smaller than all three of us! She has HUGE weight issues. She just retired last year and gained about 10 lbs and now she's freaking out, insisting she's fat...this lady is 5'1" and weighs 110lbs and she's saying she's fat!!

She's moved about 500 miles away now and the only good thing about that is now I can work on losing weight without the added pressure from Mom.

Nicole

I have a lot of issues with my mother. I know my mother has some major problems. I don't know how someone who is normal could make sure I was not told my brother died until two weeks after his death and then it was an accident that I was told and he died suddenly. Things have never been the same since then(year ago)and she can't understand what she did. (I never got to sya goodbye)

Thanks for the input about the possibilities for "why" she does things like the weight thing. I just believe my mother is a mean person. I am so glad we live thousands of miles apart.

I think Nicole's theory of competition for your father is right on.
Your mother does those things because hurting you makes her feel better about herself.

Your experiences sound very familiar--one of my very close friends has had similar experiences with her mother. Her mother is extremely competitive, extremely jealous, and suffers from depression. She competes with my friend for her father's attention.

When my friend was 14, she spent a lot of time with her father and they were very close. Her mother became jealous and accused them of having an incestuous affair. Her father didn't want to anger his wife, so he stopped spending time with his daughter.

In addition, my friend has been tormented throughout her life by her mother pointing out how fat she is, her diet failures, and her large size. Her mother cannot stand to have my friend complimented or get attention from family members, especially from her father.

A week before my friend's wedding, her mother attempted suicide (and failed, thank god). She has recovered, but is now obsessed with looking like her daughter (my friend). She dyed her hair the same color, styles it the same way, and went out and bought similar clothing.

My friend (I'm not using her name because I don't know how she would feel) doesn't let her mother hurt her anymore. She has accepted the fact that her mother will never change and never be a "mother" (i.e. kind, nurturing, supportive person) or even a person she wants to spend time with.

At her therapist's recommendation, my friend doesn't make an effort to see her parents anymore. She might visit them if they invite her, but she doesn't confide in her mother or speak of personal issues.

And best of all, she has a great husband who LOVES her big butt. Surrounding yourself with people who love you the way you are is the *BEST* therapy, in my book.

Anyhow, you sound like you know what's up, and it really is a good thing you live thousands of miles away. I just wanted to let you know that it's not your fault, you aren't alone, and that I feel for you and hope you find some peace about your brother's death.

Saramun

Thanks to all of you who listened and then chimed in. At 41 you would think I would know exactly how to deal with my feelings and the way my mother is but I tend to go in phases where I understand she has problems but then when she came out this last time it stirred up so many feelings of "what have I done and why is she this way." Your right about the father thing. I remember now that my dad, when I joined the USAF at 18 and left home, went on a 4 day drunk because he was so upset I had left. My mother never once said she missed me unless she responded to "I miss you from me" Never once said "I wish you were back home". It is weird now because she keeps in constant contact with my 21 year old daughter, who lives in the same town as I and spoils my grandson with gifts all the time. Something she never did with my three kids. Except she did like my 21 year old daughter and favored her over my two other children whom she has never made any effort to stay in contact with.

Dear Cinnamo,
I think your mom has no life of her own is centers her attention around you in an unhealthy way. Do you have interests, a job, dreams? If that is so, try to break free from that circle and show everybody that you do not depend on their approval to be happy. If you do not feel well with your body, change it. If you do not like her taking pictures of you, do not let her. And move on, become your best, eat healthy, grow. I'm sure you can do it... And espetially, do not do the same to your kids or to other people: measure your life by your own yardsticks, not by your mom's. Best,
Susana

Hey Cinnamo,

Age has nothing to do with this! It's hard, at any age, to admit that our mothers may be mean

I don't believe in keeping close contact with people who make you feel terrible about yourself. You can't pick your relatives, but you can pick your friends!

My 3 sisters are all fairly overweight, and years ago, I was too. They used to harangue me about being chubby, but now that I've been slim for about 8 years, I am the enemy because I am the thin one in the family. Now, my one sister likes to pretend that I was never that overweight to begin with (I was 170, and have a small frame), therefore discounting the 8 months of hard work I spent losing it. Can't win. I've been unfairly branded the 'skinny b&t*h' - and though none will say it to my face, I feel it emanating from their skin while I'm around them! And anything else I do in life I do without any support from them, though I offer it. I choose to spend my time with my friends, not those who wish for me to fail...

Best of luck figuring this out, it's a bumpy road, but remember that you have to be your first priority, and if relatives won't care for your well-being, you have to care for it yourself.

It is terrible when we have bad experiences with parents. In my case, I know that my parents have always meant well, which may be a comfort, but they've often chosen the wrong ways to show it. I know that my self esteem problems stem in large part from them. My father was forever badgering me to stop eating from the age of 9 - and I look at photos of myself and I was absolutely fine until at least the age of 13! My mum has been on and off diets as long as I can remember, and both of them pressured me. Added to that a younger sister who had a perfect body, and the angst is ripe to build up.

I actually want my parents not to notice when I lose weight, because I spent so long dreading seeing them after a break of a few months because I knew the first thing I'd get would be the 'look' up and down to see if I'd put on or lost weight. I want them to love me for me, not for what I look like. Somewhere inside I know they do, but there is so much resentment and anger built up at the way they've dealt with my weight problem that I don't know if we'll ever deal with it. Last time I was home visiting my dad kept on saying how amazing I looked, and how there was only half of me, and why don't I try and encourage my little brother to lose weight. And I just felt like saying how about loving him for who he is? I know intellectually that he is truly concerned about our health and happiness but he just can't understand that he is going about it all the wrong way, and that we need love and support at home, not criticism. I spent enough of my teenage years miserable out of the house, feeling like a freak - I needed to be able to go home and feel secure and accepted. I know there are people who are objectively heavier than me, but they're happy with themselves, and confident. I'm sure it's because they had positive feedback at home. I don't know if I'll ever be confident, or get rid of these issues.

Of course the funny thing is it also varies so much from person to person. Me and my sister have the same experience with my parents, but my other, youngest sister got the same treatment but is totally different about it! She's always discussing diets with my mum, and talking about it normally, no resentment, no angst. She's had weight problems, but not as bad as mine until recently, after having a baby. Now I think she's actually bigger than me, which is unprecedented in my experience. She's also shorter, which makes it look worse on her.

I remember my other sister - the one who shares my perceptions of my parents, but also the one who had the fantastic body - telling me a couple of years ago that she had a nightmare - in her dream I had lost tons of weight and looked great, and so my dad turned around and started going on at her about her weight. As if we'd swapped places. While I understood, it also hurt so much to hear that. That it was a nightmare for her to be in my position, and it was the position I'd had to deal with all my life.

The thing is, if a friend sees me and congratulates me on my weight loss, I'm happy. But they're my friends - I accept that they like me for who I am, and liked me when I was bigger, and that doesn't change when I'm thinner. But my parents - I've never felt accepted, and that's what I want from them. I don't think I'd ever be able to accept that their acceptance was sincere though, even if they did change. It's been too many years; I know what they're like.

I love them very much, but it's amazing how much well-meaning parents can hurt you, isn't it?

Deborah

I'm having a problem with my mom. She seems to think I'm getting thinner and not eating enough, even though my weight is constant and I eat about 1700-1800 calories a day. Granted, I'm careful about what I put in my mouth, but being overweight all your life will do that to you. I don't know how to assuage her fears or get her to stop making me feel guilty for doing nothing wrong. Help!