Hi all.

Well, where should I start. I'm 6 pounds above my goal weight. I can't believe it really. For me hitting my goal won't be like "oh yea!, now I can fit into that pair of jeans I outgrew last year". For me hitting my goal is like "who is this person"? It's like a whole new body, a whole new life. The key word is different - not actually better (though it is better) but mostly it feels different. Let me elaborate on why this distinction is crucial.

Once I reach 135, I will have lost 145 pounds. To say it is still kind of amazing to me. I wish I could say that I feel great, or "comfortable" or "back home" or "where I am supposed to be", truth is I feel very confused and lost. Being really fat was an alien experience; I was mired in a depressive haze so deep that I completely neglected myself. I don't even remember what I looked like fat, as I neglected my appearance so much. For this reason, I have very little personal attachment to the feeling of fatness (well, other than a pervasive feeling of rejection from everyone around me, of course). Mainly, I just knew I was bigger, and I knew others thought poorly of me for that. I have maybe 1 or 2 photos at 250 pounds, and I have a few pairs of pants and shirts, but there is no tangible memory of that life. I never stayed at a stable weight, I went from chubby to obese to morbidly obese. I have very little consistent emotional memory of being large, except that it was not accepted by others.

However, I also have no recollection of being thin as my entire life I had that "fat feeling" of being an outsider, so just like being fat being a thinner weight is an equally alien experience; if not more so because it is newer. I am in a smaller body and smaller clothes, but I have no memories, nothing grounding me to this form either. There is a on difference from my experiences obese, there is the social acceptance factor - I do feel I am more accepted and no longer looked at as freakish or different. Furthermore, the attention I now receive from other humans is overwhelming at times and can feel a bit claustrophobic; people look at me and talk to me. I believe I have undiagnosed social anxiety disorder, so the attention I now get is discomforting. It's ironic to think that I lost weight because I was afraid of others cruel stares and whispers, but now that I'm thinner and they approach me, I find this equally unwelcome.

This small difference in the way people treat me is the only real non-health related change I have observed. This is significant for me, because I fell into the typical obese person's mentality that all their problems would magically evaporate "if only they weren't fat". Now that I am nearing in on my goal weight and I see my life still is the same as it was, this is extremely discomforting.

I guess what I am rambling on about is that I am afraid I will never find an "acceptable" body shape or weight. I am currently a size 10 (depending on maker really; in gap clothes which are notoriously oversized i am a 6, but then again trendy teenager clothes I'm more like a 12). I think I look larger than that though. I am fully aware I am still large, larger than most women I see, but I wonder if the way I feel about my appearance is remotely congruent with the way it actually looks? I still feel extremely fat, but logically I can't be that fat If I wear a size 10. Just a year ago a size 10 looked thin to me. I can't believe I am only 141 pounds and still feel this fat - unworthy of love, attention, and incapable of dependability or competency.

I think "feeling fat" is in reality feeling out of control, feeling bad about yourself, and projecting all that onto your weight. Our society makes women feel they are what they look like, and so it is easy to come to the false notion that you are what you look like. You don't feel like you have low self esteem, you feel fat. This is a big problem for me, and this is the catalyst that sparks eating disorders.

I know I said I was afraid I will never deem my body acceptable, but what really scares me is that I might never be satisfied with myself. I logically know I will never find the panacea for my low self esteem by losing yet more weight, which is why I have not lowered my goal weight despite a pervasive desire to do. It's so stereotypical it's actually kind of humorous. I think changing bodies will change who I am. Every form I take on is yet another alien shape... another disguise. It's almost as if I am trying to escape my non-weight related emotional problems by projecting them on to weight. It works for awhile, until you settle in at that weight and you are stuck with you again. Then you have to shed your skin and the cycle begins again.

At first the story was "if ONLY I could weight 150 pounds, I would have so much more confidence and I would be able to get up every day and smile at the world and have the drive to do something!" Then I got to 150 pounds and that didn't happen.
Then it was, "if ONLY I could fit into a size 10, I would feel thin and worthy and I wouldn't be depressed and have low self esteem anymore!". Now I fit into a 10 and am closing in on an 8. I still feel just as ugly and unworthy as I did at 150.
My next goal is 135. It is close, and unsurprisingly all those hopes haven't happened. Therefore, I don't feel like I am "finished" losing weight. My life isn't fixed and my emotional problems are still there. Even though consciously I told myself I would still be the same person only thinner, subconsciously I think I really expected these emotional problems to go away.

I know this is the danger point where one must be careful of developing eating disorders and other such problems. My question is, what do I do about this? I know this question might be inappropriate for a diet support forum, but you've all been of such an invaluable resource to me this past year that you might have the answer. Does anyone know where I can read about this phenomena, who I can turn to for help? What book do I buy, what website do I visit, where can I learn about this and how to deal with it?

Thanks...
(I apologize for making this post sound so down and bleek... I hope I didn't bum anyone out. I am kind of in a dark space right now.)