Blush Blush - since gaining 20 lbs I have felt so unattractive that I am sure my husband would not be interested in me. He says I am crazy but I can't help but feel when the media is so full of sexy images of perfect women that he would be turned off by my bulginess. A few months ago I really enjoyed wearing sexy little things around the house for him but now I think I would just look revolting and am constantly saying turn the light out so you can't see my big butt or when he touches me I accuse him of trying to judge how much fat is on me. Am I the only one who acts this way? I would also be interested in hearing how men feel about this - a man who is not worried that I'm about to poisen his coffee if he gives the wrong answer

Koko...

Sex and weight...hmmm...now THIS is a whole big thread unto itself... I can't even begin to tell you what a huge - and unspoken - problem this is for MOST (if not all) heavy women. Lots of books, articles, groups and therapies about this!

Yes, it depends on the guy -- believe it or not, some LOVE big women...sometimes the problem is that they're not big enough!

But for men without that particular preference...the standards of beauty are pretty much the same...and excess weight can really make a difference in the intimacy department.

However, I think the issue is MOSTLY in the minds of us women who are already aware that we are outside the "range" of the "standard" sexiness... we are feeling inferior and "judged" whether it's happening or not.

I think that at any size, attitude, receptiveness, assertiveness, etc. are all better indicators of whether or not we're sexy... the body is only one aspect of that.

I don't really have a problem with the ex-DB, he was tuned into me from day one and even at 30 pounds more... But the ex before him had a MAJOR issue with me being so heavy...and made no bones about it . His attitude of judgement and rejection made me hate him...long after I shed the 90 pounds of misery I was carrying around anyway....(because of him )

And by the way... 20 pounds is not a life-changing amount, dear Koko...it's just a little more to hold on to... and may very well be sexy to HIM! Personally, I really like a bit of weight on both men and women...I think it's more real, more comfortable.

I would encourage you to REALLY relax your self-criticism about this and believe your husband...if he says you're crazy...then he must be okay with it. You're working on the issue, so it's on the way to being better anyhow...

Damn the media and their air-brushed photo shoots... The damage they do to young girls and women is criminal.

REAL women come in all sizes and shapes, and REAL men appreciate that...

Yes, I feel this way a lot. Some times are worse than others. I'm ALWAYS conscious of my belly and my thighs and I feel awkward and ungainly in bed. I can never really ignore it, but I do try to push it aside because there ain't no way I'm giving up the wild thing . But times when I've put on pounds above my regular fat level I've felt awful and it has definitely affected my interest and enjoyment in the boudoir.

But the good news for me is even modest losses make me feel a lot better. It helps that DH is understanding and loves women with some meat on their bones. He always just says he wants me to be healthy and fit, never skinny.

That said I can't wait for the day I can wear, and feel comfortable in, sexy lingerie. And the whole act is just going to be so much EASIER if I don't have to keep tabs on where my belly is in relation to his hands! Not to mention being more flexible would be a boon.

Lord, I can't believe the things I tell you people!

K.

LOL... I was thinking the same thing...!

Something very therapuetic about this cyber-stuff !

Well....I can say with confidence that my DH did NOT marry me for my knockout body. How can I say that? I weighed more when I married him 17 years ago than I do now.
Not that he's not very supportive of my efforts to loose weight, but his concerns are more that he wants me around for a good many years to come than that he wants a sexier wife between the sheets.
While sex is mostly in a man's head, our sexiness is mostly in ours. Because of years of being presented with unrealistic ideals of what "sexy" is by the media, we women are way to harsh on ourselves when it comes to how we perceive our attractiveness to the other sex. Many have completely bought into the notion that if only we could be size "X", life would be wonderful, both in general and in the bedroom.
But it's not just weight that causes issues for women. There's also bust size, nose size, the size and shape of our hips/butt/thighs/lips...you name it. Studies have shown that no matter how physically attractive others perceive a woman to be, she is often critical of some part of her body and feels that it decreases her physical beauty. Plastic surgeons are doing a booming business for a good reason!
We need to lighten up on ourselves and learn to love ourselves at any size. I think men find self-confidence and a woman who appreciates who she is, flaws and all, far more sexy than some plastic version of perfection. I know mine does.

Ever notice in foreign films there is not that same emphasis placed on young and beautiful actresses with perfect bodies? There's a lot more "real" women in foreign films. Wish North America would catch on.

K.

Wow, great thread Koko! You know, I always believed that I wouldn't meet my "soulmate" until I was thin. As it turned out, I met him when I weighed approx. 250 pounds! Fortunately for me, he recognized me as his soulmate anyway, and we fell in love and got married. Over the next year and a half, I gained another 50 lbs., and then eventually lost that 50 lbs. (and I'm working on losing the rest now ) The one thing that has continued to amaze me is that my husband has never ONCE made me feel "less than" because of my weight. In fact, he gets upset with me if I make a crack about my weight (even if I do it in a totally joking, lighthearted kind of way). Hey, if you can't laugh at yourself.... Anyway, he's not normally attracted to larger women, yet he is very attracted to me, emotionally and physically. Without getting too graphic, I can honestly say that we have GREAT sex! We just have wonderful chemistry together, and it has made me see that my "weighty issues" are literally ALL IN MY MIND.

I think the key is to stop focusing on yourself during those intimate moments ("I'm so fat! Is he grossed out by me? I wish he'd shut off the light! Oh my god he's touching my rolls!.....") and instead just focus on expressing your love for him, and making him feel good. Remember that he's probably focused on making YOU feel good too!

Sensuality has nothing to do with the size of a person's body! I really do believe that. It's all about your heart and spirit, and the feelings you have for your partner, and the feelings he has for you. It's that damn self-consciousness that gets in the way, NOT the excess pounds!

This is not the type of post I usually respond to, but I have been happily married for over 20 years to a man who finds me attractive whatever my weight (which is certainly much higher than yours), so I will try.

I have always thought that good sex came from each person focusing on the other person, not from each person focusing on his or her own shortcomings. In my opinion, the key to a happy and lasting marriage is for each person to try to make the other person happy and for each person to put a priority on meeting the other person's needs. Unless your husband is very unusual, discussing your weight during sex, and putting limits on him because you are self conscious about your weight, is probably not the way to make him happy.

Good sex is not enough to keep a marriage going, but I would guess that very few marriages last and remain strong without good sex. You owe it to yourself and to him to get over this inhibition. Have you considered talking to a counselor about it?

WOW......................... This is a great thread, My hubby's one of those guys who never passes judgement, but I have this tiny thought in the back of my mind, " 117 lbs> 180 ? he must wish I was still that little bit of a thing!" But I know that is, dead wrong, cause, he truely loves me ( and I him), and in the passion of it all nothing matters accept, your feeling of passion for each other, not
how much of you there is, hope that makes sense.

Quote:
That said I can't wait for the day I can wear, and feel comfortable in, sexy lingerie.

Hey, I've only been thinking about some nice Black Jeans..............
But now you got me thinking.................. will have to go shopping soon

Koko, don't let it get in your way!! Just fill you head with yourself at your goal weight, and let go girl

Cheers Kathy

This post is very true for me as well. I have found that in the last year or so (in which i have put on about 30lbs), I have felt quite a bit less attractive, and have found that my appetite for sex has diminished greatly. I had lost 40lbs before, and felt fantastic - sexy and confident, and then it started to slowly creep back on when i got into a serious relationship (going out for dinners a lot will do that). I found myself very critical of myself (my boyfriend never ever said anything, and in fact got upset with me when i would ask for the lights out, ask him to not be grossed out by my jiggly tummy, etc) (seeing that in text right now is terrible - the things we think/say to ourselves we wouldn't say to our worst enemy!). I found myself avoiding any sort of intimate situations because I am embarrassed and ashamed that i had gained all that weight back. I think most of my lack of enthusiasm in the bedroom came totally from unreal expectations I placed on myself. A lot of time i don't think that men really notice - they are just happy that they are 'gettin' some'.... lol. Thanks for the post - it is nice to know that i'm not alone.

hmmm..well when i met my wife i was at my heaviest...354 now that i'm at 275 lets just say everything is CLOSER and in turn better





bye!



Jon

I always though a seld-conident person was sexy. If you're uncomfortable with yourself then you're bound not to feel particularly sexy, but with me that only extends to things outside my relationship.
Me and my man adore each other - we're both on Atkins and I'm really going to miss his belly when it's gone - I love it! I love the way he feels and the way he looks, but he wants to lose 4 stone. All the men I went out with before him were thin or medium build - he's the only big man I've ever been with and it's a huge improvement! I adore every little piece of him and I could just cuddle him all day. The only thing in the way of intimacy is work (We both work v long hours and I worka split shift too).
If you truly love each other, what's the problem?
I can't wait for him to come home with his belly ............

Becky - that's sweet!

Koko, I agree with what everyone else has said, but I'll throw in a curve ball: is there something else going on? Something more complicated? I only suggest that because that's sometimes the case with me. I used to be the QUEEN of throwing Pity Parties For One over my Ghastly, Blatantly-Obvious-to-the-World Physical Imperfections, and this serves as a really convenient excuse to push people away. At one point, I dieted my way down to extreme thinness, then realized, "damn: now what excuse am I going to use?"

Well, I qualify as a man so I'll try and answer.

Men don't see the woman they love in the way you think. When we look at the woman we love and that person is also the person we are regularly intimate with we get turned on.

Men do not compare their wives with pictures in magazines - it is women who compare themselves with each other.

So ladies, don't turn the light out, carry on wearing the sexy little things around the house and we'll carry on loving you - without judgement.

Robert

Look at it this way. More cushin for the pushin.