The last time I felt this bad in my life was when my boyfriend of 3 years broke-up with me and moved out within the same week. I am expierencing an evil type of dejavu I think. The very first time I ever started the Atkin's program I weighed 220lbs. I eventually lost 40 pounds and thats when my old boyfriend left me......right when I was starting to gain self-confidence and like myself. This time around I had been with my boyfriend for about 1 year and once the 40 pounds was gone (mind you I started at 260 this time) he was also out of the picture again. It really crushes me that when I finally start to take control of one part of my life, another goes totally awray(sp?) I sit at home every night completely alone, I have one friend to my name and I can't depend on her to be there for me 24/7. I drove all my other friends away when I was in relationships because I become very unsociable and withdrawn. Within the past week I have even started binging and drinking because I just can't keep my head out of the dumps. It is wrong of me to blame all my hurt and frustration on my bad relationships because they all stem from my own personal insecurities - but I am afraid I will never become a strong enough person to overcome them.....and I am deathly afraid of re-gaining my weight. Anyone who has gone through this will understand where I am coming from, but where do I go from here?? I am compeletly miserable.......crying and hopeless in New Mexico

*crawling through modem to give a BIG hug*

It's no coincidence that when you take control of your weight, the relationships suffer... but it's not a BAD thing.

Let bossy Barb tell you about my relationship pattern. Scary similar!....

My marriage and both serious relationships all ended when I started to become stronger. I started feeling confident, worthy and good about myself. For the first time, I saw myself as successful and was excited to be making progress.

This effectively "raised the price of poker" for the men in my life. All of a sudden, I didn't NEED them as much. They saw that Iwas getting stronger, and started suspecting I might not take the treatment I was getting, and that THEY would have to work a bit harder to keep up!

Some men are insecure, and if you start becoming more and more attractive to OTHER men, it's THEIR insecurity that can blow up.

You will get back on track, and I'll bet the new, confident you (no matter what weight you happen to be at when the confidence kick in..and IT WILL!) will be delighted to find a confident, caring man who loves you.

I'm still waiting, but guess what? NOw that I like MYSELF, I have a whole life to live whether a man is in my lofe or not!

Where do you go? You came here...that's a good start. We're all here for you and you can pick right up and start over.

STARZ, Before you go out seeking strong relationship, form a strong relationship with that woman in the mirror. If you cannot hold your hand or hug yourself or love yourself don't expect anyone else to. A man does not make the woman that you are and never allow anyone to have that power over you or you will self destruct. You can build your self esteem by remaining comitted to your LC WOE ( to start ). Now go out and rent you a nice instrument and learn how to play it. I recommend the flute ( I am a flute teacher ). Take a college course or go back to college and major in something that you are passionate about. What are you passionate about? Realize your passions and I promise you, your self esteem will flourish and maybe the guy that you deserve will waltz into your life.

I am not just sending words out, I have been there and I have done that!

Black57

Starz,

I feel your pain. I'm pretty much where you are. I lost weight and my eight year old relationship broke up. I don't however know for a fact that the too are related.

But I do know that I started loosing weight for ME. Therefore I will go on loosing.

I have however found that right now I'm at a point where I don't expect to loose only to maintain. Maintaining is really easy I find - and it still allows for the occasional stiff drink at night in front of the fire when I feel lost and lonely.

Starz you can get through this and think about Black57's sugestions. I know I will.

Hugs from a stranger

I'm so sorry you're going through a bad time right now.
I sincerely hope things start getting better for you soon -- and remember -- when your sad or lonely just come here to talk.

...Funny thing is, I do play the flute- used to be professional back in my later High School years. I play tennis when I have the time and I have a couple other hobbies, but I just feel a huge lonely void in my life. I know that I am losing weight for myself and I don't even want to look for another relationship for a long long time, but I am just so lost and confused right now I am beside myself with an awful feeling of self-hate. I know I am a good person and that life goes on and that eventually better things will come my way, but I have dug myself into such a deep lonely dark hole, and in a way I almost want to stay here. I am a very shy and reserved person so it's not easy for me to make to friends or to talk to people. The thing that scares me the most is that I not only have thought about suicide in the past, but when I tried to go to sleep the other night, I was trying to imagine how it might feel if I cut my wrists...never have I felt so conviced that I will never succeed in anything. I can't even believe I am talking about this here, but being as how I have been going through a psychological war with myself and I know personally talking with therapists or counselors don't help, I just feel defeated and don't know what else to do. It is so comforting to know that even though you all are complete strangers, you are willing to give someone like me assurance and hugs.....I just can't get all this negativity out of my head - I have trained myself to think this way for years and now it won't go away!!!

Ordinarily, I'd start my usual glowing endorsement of Dr Phil's book and the exercises in stopping the thoughts of worthlessness and failure you are having. Even though you say you KNOW it won't help, PLEASE try again. Thoughts of suicide and harming yourself are serious and need to be treated seriously. You are a beautiful woman and stronger than you think. Please try again to find a professional who knows how to help you.

You are in that "dark place" where it seems useless to try, but it's not.

Maybe you could start with a gentle natural remedy like St. John's wart or 5htp to lift your mood, and then when your mood lifts a bit you could do other things to put you in a positive mood and get rid of the negative thoughts. Like listening to up lifting music, meditation/prayer, exercise, volunteering, reading ...

Starz, I am in total agreement with Potatoefree. Please reconsider and access some help. Feelings of self harm, and suicidal thoughts even passive ones are serious and need to be worked out. As for suggestioins of herbal antidepressant medications please check with your Dr. First! You may have some physiological stuff as well going on. thyroid problems can cause depression as well. But you may or may not be in need of medication as this is situational/ relationship issues. But sometimes we need medication to get us over the hurdle, to realine the chemicals if you like so that you can work on issues.

We can be here to listen and support but I truly believe that it sounds like you need professional assistance. (I am a mental health therapist) I'm not sure what you have available in New Mexico but here in Canada we have community mental health programs that are part of our health system. If you have something like that there stop in and see them. At the very least let you Dr. know that you have or are having self harming thoughts. he will know what resources are available to you.

Hi Starz,
I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been through similar things too...and I have also dealt with a lot of negative self thought and suicidal thoughts. Like Potatofree, I think you should find a counselor or therapist to talk to. Even if you don't feel like they'll help, it would probably make you feel better just to have them to talk to. A counselor could also help you with the negative self-thought by giving you feedback to help you see things more clearly. It may take some time to change your patterns of self thought, so be patient with yourself. (I'm still working on this myself. )

This man leaving does not change who you are. You are still the same beautiful, intelligent, strong person. If he did this, then he's not the right one for you. You deserve better than that, so don't let him make you feel negatively about yourself. It is his issue, not yours.

Thank you guys......I am still not sure about a counselor or therapist though I have gone through that before and it just made me feel even more uncomfortable.....I just have a real hard time talking to people which is what makes this so hard for me. I have also tried depression meds and such in the past and that never worked either. I was thinking of trying the St. John's Wort, but have heard there are side effects - does anyone have any expierence with it? Thanks for all your help and support again

Unfortunatley going through things and getting a handle on our feelings, issues and problems is not comfortable. It's not an easy process but if you keep doing the same thing that is not working but expecting different results... (ok not original) but it's like banging your head against a wall... you don't realize how it hurts still it stops. I encourage you to try and find someone to help you work out your thoughts as for St. John Wort... I've personally tried it and didn't like it. Again self medicating without working on issues just masks things until you stop and or they come to a head again!

Starz, I know someone who had the same types of feelings about talking to others that you do. She didn't feel comfortable with it, so she started a Blog. She didn't tell anyone about it at first, but then she started sharing it with people she met on the net. To this day most of her family still doesn't know she has it. She felt that she could share her innermost thoughts this way & she was more comfortable doing so since people she didn't know were reading it. Perhaps that would help you. You could use the journal here (everyone is so supportive) or you can set up a free one at blogspot.com....let your feelings out to your computer & it may help you feel a little better & get the courage to take the next step - talking to someone face to face about what you're going through.

Good luck!

Chris

Is it just me with the dirty mind????

I had something similar happen and it just broke my heart to pieces. My ex left me at a time I felt I needed him most in my life.

He obviously wasn't worth it....besides think of all the cute guys that will be hitting on you once you lose all the excess weight. You don't want the excess weight of him around when that happens. Besides for me this is a time of getting comfortable in my own skin and learning to treat myself better and love myself first.
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