Voices from the bread summit
By AARON J. Brown, The Daily Tribune
Last Updated: Monday, December 15th, 2003 10:04:02 AM
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The bread industry is reeling after 40 percent of Americans reported eating less bread last year. With more people on high-protein, low-carb diets such as Atkins, the bread industry is desperate for answers and held a high level “bread summit” a few weeks ago.
Though the complete transcript of the closed-door bread summit was baked into a pumpernickel loaf for safekeeping, insider sources have provided me the following report of the day’s tense events.
MR. BAKER (Chair, American Bread Council): OK, people. Wipe the crumbs off the table and drink a big glass of water, because we’ve got a lot of talking to do.
PIERRE BAGUETTE (High-ranking bread official): Talk! I am ruined with this Atkins low-carb foolishness. You want to help, tell me how to turn my bread into bags of pork rinds.
LOAFY (National bread mascot developed during expensive marketing research): Pork rinds taste like commercial insulation! A-huk! A-huk! (Struggles with elaborate bread suit).
BAGUETTE: They always have. But now these Atkins people eat them anyway because they are low-carb. My best loaf of bread is forbidden to them, so they eat Styrofoam soaked in liquid pig.
BAKER: Yes, yes. We all know what we’re up against. Even though bread is a major part of a balanced diet, people are eating less because of the Atkins Diet. If a person eliminates carbohydrates like those found in bread, they can eat as much saturated fat as they want. So you could lose 50 pounds eating nothing but bacon.
LOAFY: Sounds like fun! Mmmm. Bacon. (Falls due to lack of arm holes on bread suit).
BAGUETTE: Well, of course people with weight problems are going to go for that. Bacon got them into the mess in the first place. But what happens when they lose the weight and decide they want bread again. No one can say they’ll NEVER eat bread again. And when they fall off the wagon. BAM! They are back where they started.
BAKER: I know. But this low-carb thing seems to have legs. I’ve got a bread industry full of working people who have to bring home the bacon.
BAGUETTE: Don’t you mean “put bread on the table?”
BAKER: Arrggh! See, it’s even affecting me. We’ve got to do something.
LOAFY: (stuggling on the floor) Hey, guys. (kicking table) I can’t get up.
BAKER: If there’s one thing that unites the public most, it’s being told they shouldn’t do something. For decades Americans were told not to eat unlimited amounts of greasy red meat. Now they’ve got a way to do just that.
LOAFY: (breathing becomes labored). You guys should help me! (rolls across floor to wall).
BAKER: So, here’s what we do. We tell America not to eat our bread. We tell America that our bread is BAD for them … that eating our bread is naughty, even though it tastes good.
BAGUETTE: This will ruin us!
BAKER: No! In time, Americans will be drawn to our bread. We’ll have Loafy write a book called “Eat Bread in Moderation.” He can wear a goatee and dark glasses – and we can start calling him Loafonzo. We’ll doctor up some stuff about him dating bad girl rock stars and this will be a big hit.
BAGUETTE: And the best part is we just use the food pyramid dieticians have recommended for decades. No new research required!
BAKER: Yes. This will be delicious.
LOAFY (Rolling himself up the wall and upright): We’re coming back, America. Bread will rise again!
ALL: (Chortling laughter).
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for The Daily Tribune.
E-mail him at aaronjbrown~yahoo.com.
"Voices from the bread summit"
LMAO!! "No, really... if you crush them, soak them in egg, cinnamon and Splenda; then fry them, they taste like French Toast!"
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