Hi,
I'm not sure if I'm overreacting to the situation I'm about to mention, so I came here. ....My boyfriend has made a couple of stabs at me relating to my weight...it's not very often at all, but it ticks me off! The most recent was a couple of days ago...We were at his family's house watching tv when one of those Subways' Atkins wraps commericals came on...the one where the wife goes in the kitchen and catches her husband really gorging out on potato chips. My bf says "Do you do that when I'm not there?...hehe" His whole freakin family was there! I was so angry and humiliated, but didn't want to make a scene in front of his family. On the way home, I told him that it bothered me. He said he was just making a joke, and that I'm just taking it too personally...grrr! My boyfriend is pretty arrogant about everything, but is normally very sweet to me.....he just Rarely ever says he's sorry.

Now, my boyfriend and I have been together over 3 years. We met when I weighed more than I do now. In the beginning he said he didn't have a problem with my weight as long as I was healthy. He never made any kind of comments to me until a few months ago.

This makes me so mad and sad that I dont' know what to do with him. I'm starting to feel like I can't trust him with my feelings....especially anything to do with weight struggles. Like I said, he's still normally sweet to me...maybe he's just too arrogant and clueless and not necessarily trying to be mean spirited? Should I just let this slide unless it becomes a more frequent occurance? Does anyone have experience with this kinna stuff?

Sorry it's so long.
Thanks
Melaney

Hi Melaney,

This is a tough question. I know how you feel. I have always been super-sensitive about my weight. Once when I just started dating my husband, I was in the middle of a diet at the time and he was well aware of my working out, dieting, etc...., One night after dinner, I suggested that we get a frozen yougurt. He said, "Pizza and yougurt in one night, what happened to the diet?" He meant absolutely nothing by the comment but I was silent the rest of the walk home and when we got back to his apartment I burst into tears. He had no idea why I was upset and when I was finally able to stop crying enough to tell him, he felt terrible. I felt silly afterward but I am so emotional about my weight and hearing a weight related comment from him was devastating. I guess what I am saying is that even if your boyfriend was joking, if it bothers you then he should respect that and be supportive. I would try the upfront approach with your boyfriend and say that while he probably didn't mean anything by his comments, he hurt your feelings and embarrassed you. Ask him not to tease you about your dieting or weight loss as it is a sensitive subject. If he can't understand this then chances are he may not be supportive of you in other things in the future.

Good luck,
Christy

I'll second what Christy said. Eons ago, when out on a date with the then love of my life, I ordered a coke. He said, "You mean DIET coke." That was the last time we went out. Sorry to be so blunt, but if he's starting to make mean comments "just teasing", there's no guarantee when or where it will stop.

Jude

Hi Melaney, I wonder if he's feeling threatened by your weight loss. If you have been together that long, he was probably pretty comfortable with how you looked. Now that your weight loss is happening for real, it may be that he is worried you won't want him anymore. After all, when you are thin, you'll be able to pick any good lookin' man, right? <wink, wink> So why would you want to stay with him?

If this is what's happening, he may not even realize it. So I would tread a bit carefully when you discuss it with him...male egos are sometimes fragile.

Good luck and I really do hope it works out for you.

Hi Melaney, I have to agree with Dianne, I believe it may have something to do with your boyfriends insecurity. I have personal experience in this area. As a matter of fact, I am going through it right now with my husband.

Deep down inside, I think he wants me to fail because then I will still have to rely and depend on him for everything but as I lose more weight and become more independent, the comments and remarks have been fueled. He actually admitted to me that he thought I would leave him when I lost weight, which would not happen.

I think you should tell him how you feel. If he knows that it hurts you when he makes these remarks and he continues to make them, then there is definetely a problem that needs to be addressed before it gets way out of hand. Emotional and verbal abuse do not start out as abuse, they start as small taunts and comments and gradually increase to abuse. The abuser does this in very small amounts to see just how much they can get away with and whatever you let them get away with, they will. And believe me, it happens so gradually that at the end you look back in amazement at how you allowed yourself to be treated. I speak from experience and I have the emotional scars to prove it. I am not saying you will be abused by your bf, I am merely giving you a few words of advise. Make sure you let him know that it humiliates you when he makes those comments and see if he stops.

I hope all is well for you.

i agree with dianne and meltin. it could be he is becoming more insecure. my Dh asked me if i was going to leave him when i lose all of my weight. i quickly replied that this has nothing to do with him, that hasn't stopped him from asking me again, but he has always been insecure. (he walked out of a restaurant one time cuz the waiter smiled at me) the only food comment he has ever made was when i was making burgers, he couldn't believe i could eat a big juicy hamburger.

he may have found the commercial cute and really was joking with you. not realizing that it might be a sensitive issue. maybe you should wait for a hairclub for men commercial and get him back
good luck!

My advice, coming from the perspective of someone who has been married to the same person for over 20 years, is to tell him how his comment made you feel, but don't do it in an accusing way. Assume it was an innocent comment and that the problem was the way you interpreted it. Give him the benefit of the doubt and see what he says. You could say something along the lines of (delivered in a somewhat joking fashion with a smile), "Honey, I am feeling really sensitive about my weight and eating these days. When you made that joke about me sneaking potato chips, it really got to me and I may have over-reacted. I'll do my best to take your jokes as jokes, but right now I need you to be a little more careful about what you say to me in regards to weight and eating, because I really am going through a difficult period right now and I'm feeling very sensitive about this issue."

If he dismisses your feelings and continues with the same type of comments, I'd seriously re-evaluate the relationship.

This is all good advice and I just wanted to add that when I lost weight the first time - 80 lbs 26 years ago, I alienated several friends who couldn't handle the fact that I was attractive. Losing weight causes relationships to change, so hopefully you can talk to him and help him deal with your wonderful loss.

I wanted to add my two cents worth here too. Sometimes people say things because they don't understand that this is a sensitive issue with us. For example my brother in law noticed that I was losing weight and I think he was trying to be nice about it but worded it wrong. He said, " you are really starting to look good, you are not there yet but you are starting to. I just laughed and said "STARTING". I know he didn't mean anything by it. Sometimes people can be so stupid.

Thanks for all of ya'lls kindness and advice

Christy, Liz, and Laurie - I do tend to be overly sensitive about my weight, so it's nice to get feedback. In restaurant situations I've jumped to conclusions about things he's said and was wrong....like ya'll said...hehe. I'm trying to not be so defensive..and give him the benefit of the doubt.

Jude - Weight is a bit of a dodgey subject for me, but generally I prefer bluntness. Honesty is a good thing. If I had gone on a first date where a guy made a comment like that, it would have been our last too!

Diemede, Meltinaway, Rosey1, and Itsgottago - You know, it never crossed my mind that it could be a issue of insecurity, and I think alot of it is that. Relationships can be tricky sometimes...trying to be honest about your feelings while considering his feelings while allowing yourself to be vulnerable This is my first deep relationship and I get a bit clueless at times. I talked to him again, and things are better. I won't stick around in an abusive relationship, so if things get worse and he's not willing to be supportive I know what I need to do.

Thanks for the laughs guys, i needed them! **Mel keeps her eyes peeled for Rogaine commercials and the fragile male ego**

I'd call it probation. I think that stepped beyond insensitive and wasn't respectful for you. Confront him by saying "When you say X I feel Y". I think the arrogance you talk about is telling. Somone has a quote in their sig that I really like "Someone who is nice to you and not nice to the waiter is not nice."
You don't want to subject yourself to someone who can't respect you and be kind to you. Kindness is way underrated...

H

What Heath said.


Liz

I agree with everyone...you are doing so well, and you really need to put yourself first, and not put up with ANY critisicms, no matter how "innocent" they may seem!

Sometimes, men don't understand the things we women get emotional over. (I know, I just set the women's equality movement back 20 years, sorry)

My husband will say something, I will get all offended, and he will apolgize because he didn't know it was a sensitive issue for me.

I think you should seriously talk with your boyfriend. If the behaviors continue or get worse, then it probably does have to do with his ego. Then you may have to make a decision, you have a lot of time and energy invested in this relationship, so you need to decide if it is worth talking the effort to fix something that's wrong, or not.

I agree with a lot of this... but it may depend how you approached the diet within your relationship. If you talk about it alot... about the change of eating habits, weight you lose everyday. It may not feel like a taboo subject for him anymore. If my hubby said that to me with no one around (depending on how he said it), I'd probably laugh or smack him upside the head. But by your bf doing it in front of others (depending how he said it) it would show he was either simply thoughtless, he wanted to embarass you, or he might think it is ok to talk about (since you do).

I hope that made any sense ... I tend to babble.
Just talk to him... if he's a nice guy he won't do it again.