I have a friend whose stepdaughter is about 5' 6'' and weighs about 245 pounds, she is age 13. She knows she is overweight and she seems to deal with it well, but she knows she should loose some of her weight. The family is however divided on how she should accomplish that. One says "she needs more exercise", another said she needs to "Stay away from simple carbohydrates and eat more complex carbs", and yet another says she should "Eat less fat". Her mom see the success I have had, and has investigated this WOE. I've pointed her to this forum to gather more information. But whatever she decided, that the teen needed to accept and understand the new chosen WOE, and can accept it.

I want to write a letter to the teen (I have mom's permission) and tell her what I have gone through being fat. I want to let her know that someone else feels what she is feeling, that someone else has gone through what she is going through. I want to just share some of my hard earned experience with her! I am just not that eloquent. This is where I turn to you wonderful people. Instead of passing along just my letter, I thought I could get many peoples perspectives. That way she might find more to identify with.

Personally, I think it's an excellent idea. The most important thing would be to offer continued support, not just a flood of empathy and then no further contact.

I've been sitting here wondering how I would've reacted if someone had done it for me, and I'm honestly not sure. She might tell you to go to H*** or she might cry and placate you into believing that she wants to change. She may take a genuine interest and make changes....it's really hard to say. Maybe share your story in person, rather than writing a letter, unless you're too far away and give her some options and talk with her about them.

Find out what SHE wants (what a concept...took me a long time to learn it too!) It certainly couldn't hurt....the worst thing you can do to a problem...or a child with one, is to ignore them. Think it through and follow your heart. Good luck and keep us posted!

Nicole

There are a lot of good reasons to lose weight, but to be beautiful isn't one of them. A lot of people will tell you you aren't beautiful because you aren't skinny. But beauty comes from within, and no person and no battle with a scale and no food can give that or take that away.

Good luck!

I was hoping you could post your letter here because I have a teenager in the same boat. I say low carb, my mother says low fat, and her father says low meat She is very confused as you can imagine. She loves to eat meat.. so to me low carb would be the way to go...

I think that it is a great idea for you to write this letter. It can be difficult expressing the pain of growing up "large", but if it helps this teenager to find a way to future self content then it is worth the pain of recollection.

Maybe just outlining to her some of the difficulties you and others have encountered and then backing it all up with positive encouragement and tips on how to overcome these difficulties. I wish someone had sat me down when I was 12-13 years old and really talked to me about the path I was on, instead, I was given money to go to the store and get a "treat".

Good for you. I think we would all be happy to review the letter with you.

I was an overweight teenager and kid. The gift of low-carb is the greatest thing you could give her. My biggest regret in life is that I didn't learn about low-carb sooner than I did. Exercise is a scary thought when you're overweight. She doesn't have to do much for exercise early on so she shouldn't be intimidated. It wasn't until I was 22 that I really started educating myself about diet, exercise and making myself all-around healthier.
I'm not sure of this girl's personality, so she may take it either way: as an insult or a helping hand. What do you have to lose as long as you have her mother's permission? Being given so much conflicting advice is the worst thing she could receive. At least you've got the proof to back yourself up! RESULTS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Let's just hope she sees this. She is so young that she obviously isn't knowledgable about nutrition, insulin or long-term health risks she may face later in life.

Please, write her this letter. Or could you talk to her in person? Either way, get your story across to her. She has her whole life ahead of her, she could go so far!! My heart really goes out to her, and you, for being such a kind friend to offer her this much needed help. Good luck to you both!

Ljc - how nice to "see" you again. You are looking great. How are things going? How about starting a journal (in the L section) so you'll have a place for people to find you? The instructions are in the first message at the top of the forum.

I identify with what you said in your post.

Thanks for all your thoughts, I will be trying to write this letter this weekend. The girl wants to loose weight, she is just confused. She is a sweetheart. I've spoken to her in person, she is a very smart cookie, her mother has done a great job with helping her self esteem. But her mom is normal weight and admits that she can't fully understand. I am writing this letter for several reasons, one is that so her mom can understand a bit what it is like, and can get an idea of what her daughter is/will be going through. The other part is while I know in person may seem to be best - she is a teenager, and as most teenagers - thinks go in one ear and out another. She loves to read, so this is why I thought I'd do it this way.

You are doing a wonderful thing for this teen, especially considering the painful memories and feelings this seems to elicit in you.

First of all, your friend's daughter lives in the same culture we do -- she knows that being overweight is a problem on many levels, especially if she is as bright and well-read as you say. She has already experienced the stares, the embarrassment, and likely the cruelty of her peers as many of us did as teens. Warnings about life as an overweight teen or young adult will not be news to her.

Since she already has an interest in loosing weight, I'd offer LC to her as an option, and offer yourself as a role model. Teens are slaves to pop-culture, so she is bombarded with messages every day that loosing weight means deprivation, and exercise is for people who are already fit and look great in their work-out gear! In my opinion, your best role here is to dispel these myths , rather than tell her what she already knows.

While it's true that with teens, things go in one ear and out the other, that is mostly the case with things they're told by parents (and sometimes teachers.) Your best asset here is that you are NOT her parent. If you approach her as the "cool friend" rather than as "admonishing adult" you'll get further with her. This is not to say you're attempting to lecture her, but much of what you say will likely be taken as criticism at first (regardless of how self-aware she seems to be) so your tone is key.

Does she have access to the internet? Show her this site. Start a jouranl with her and let everyone who has posted here give her encouragement.

Personally, I'd forget the letter, and just put yourself out there as her mentor. Be human, discuss your shortcomings as well as your successes and she'll probably open up to you in a way she can't with her (normal weight) Mom.

Good luck!

Talon.....

I applaud your interest and caring for this young girl! I wish someone had taken just such an interest in me at that age.

I have a suggestion for you. What if you wrote the letter in a nice journal for her? It could be a gift to her and you could encourage her to keep track of what she is eating and talk about how she is feeling there too. It could be completely private for her or you could offer to look at it from time to time and write new encouragement and ideas and answer questions there for her.

Marlaine

Hi Talon! Lots of good advice here. I can understand your slight discomfort. I think you have to make your intent clear: you're not commenting on her, you're just sharing your story because her step mom hasn't had that experience.

I agree that it would be a good idea to "hang out" with her in person - maybe take her bowling or something? It would be nice, if you both have the time, if you could even hang out more often. I think it's good for teens to have some adult companionship outside the family. I wish I would have had some.

Hi Talon!

Wow...what a lucky girl she is to have someone who has "been there, done that" care about the situation she is in. Personally, I can only remember a brief time in my whole life (maybe 2 years) where I was not overweight or downright obese. I suffered teasing and exclusion all through my school years because of it. The advice I got from others (who had never had to struggle with a weight problem) was usually along the lines of "eat less, move more" which never helped, but left me always hungery and feeling like it was somehow my fault I was fat...I must not have been doing it right or being involved in 3 different sports wasn't enough "movement". Being an emotional eater, I turned to food for comfort which only made the whole problem worse; the more I ate (of all the wrong things) the fatter I got and the worse I felt which, of course, made me go back and eat more of all the wrong things to feel better.
There are social issues to being fat. Society tends to look down on the overweight and obese as morally inferior, lacking self-control, lazy, gluttonous and dim-witted. It's not right, but that is the perception. I've lost out on more than one job soley because of my weight even though I am a hard worker and very intelligent with nothing by high references from former employers.
More importantly, being overweight has a huge implication for current and future health. At 13, that may not seem important (teens tend to think of themselves as immortal), but what she does now will ulitmately have a huge impact on the state of her health later in life and the quality of the health she has (or doesn't have as the case may be). Being overweight and staying that way for any length of time puts us as a higher risk for a host of illnesses and diseases like diabetes, heart disease, cancer and gallbladder disease. It also makes pregnancy or any type of surgery much higher risk. Kids her age are now developing type 2 diabetes (something formerly only seen in adults and virtually unheard of in children which is why it's also called "adult onset" diabetes), so that danger may not be as far off as she'd like to think.
With all the conflicting information circulating around these days in regards to dieting and health, I can surely understand why this dear girl may be confused. I wish you good success with writing your letter and hope that she will take it the right way and not be hurt or offended, but rather encouraged that there IS a healthy way to lose weight (without starving yourself) and maintain it. With you as a role model, I'm sure that she will be able to succeed.

What a wonderful thing for you to do for her. When I was younger, I was overweight then as well and I know it can wreak havoc on one's self esteem.

Since she is a bright girl, I'm sure she'd appreciate having her options laid out (low fat, low carb, excercise, etc). Give her the facts about various weight-loss methods in a manner as unbiased as possible, and let her decide how she wants to do it. This way, you will be letting her make her own educated choice, and her parents/relatives should be satisfied with that, even if she chooses a plan that they don't like much. Hopefully, she will choose low-carb (and she'll have a great "mentor!); but if not, its her choice.

Just my 2 cents!

Talon,
What a kind and compassionate thing to do. She is one special girl having so many people that care about her...



Marlaine,
What a fantastic Idea. I have purchased several very nice journals to give as Christmas gifts, and I think personalizing it is such a great idea. And for this teenager to begin planning and writing down and seeing what she eats and how she feels will be a great first step.

Cindy

Looking for critiques! The last part I got from an unknown source, I hope he/she doesn't mind my using it.
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What it is like being overweight, from one persons perspective.

Being overweight can be caused from many different things: overeating, eating the wrong things, emotional eating, low metabolism, thyroid problems - from repeated dieting or even years of not eating enough! Sometimes it is one or more of them, but not necessarily the same one all the time. We think we have "solved" one problem, and then another pops up. Very frustrating, but unfortunately, very common.

If you are overweight, people have a tendency to think you are lazy and just have no self control. They don't think you could possibly be a hard worker - otherwise you wouldn't be overweight. All of these assumptions are just from looking at you, not actually knowing you. If the way you look is the sole reason someone makes an assumption, well it is there loss, not yours. Some people don't like looking at fat people, we become invisible members of society. If people do look at you, it is in disgust - just how could you let yourself go? Being overweight is one of the last "acceptable" forms of discrimination.

People may say "Just stop eating so much". Well, news flash, it's just not that easy. If you eat the wrong things, it can cause cravings, which cause you to be hungry, which causes cravings... you get the idea, catch 22. Then there is the emotional eating - you aren't really hungry, but because some believe that food will make everything better. NOT! Food tastes good for about the first 10 seconds, and then it is gone. The question I had to keep asking myself: "Is that 10 seconds really going to make things all better?" Answer: of course not! Often times I think I am hungry, and I am actual just thirsty. I drink water, wait 30 minutes, if I am still hungry I eat.

It's also harder to find fashionable clothes, it is getting better, but it is still hard. Why on earth to clothing designers think that just because you are overweight that you will automatically want to wear flower prints ALL THE TIME?! No we have fashion sense too, and finally manufactures are starting to realize this.

In school, I remember the snickers of laughter cast in my direction. I remember that no boys asked me out. I lost 30lbs over one summer - then I got asked out. But thinking back on it, I wonder if it wasn't me thinking that since I couldn't possibly be attractive, that I was scaring people off by my downtrodden and shy personality. I still find myself discounting myself, because of weight, my skin condition etc - and I still wonder if some people treat me differently because I treat myself differently. I still have problems with my preconceived ideas about myself, but I am working on it. Like I said before, if "they" don't like it, it is their problem, not mine.

In work, where people are supposed to be adults, I still get treated like the 5th wheel. I consider myself to be very competent in what I do, but there are still those few bullies (and they are bullies) that associate my looks with my smarts. I am afraid to look for another job in order to advance my career because of fat discrimination. Also, I don't think I've quite gotten my self confidence to the point where I believe in myself no matter what.

The bottom line is, be happy and healthy. Be comfortable in your body and in your mind, not matter what your size.

Did you know ...

...that you're a terrific person, no matter how much you weigh? That you are magnificent, interesting, and deserve love, no matter what your dress or slacks size?

Someone may have told you differently, that your getting love was conditional on your being a certain body type, a certain shape. That person may have acted out of helpfulness...or nastiness...or most likely, out of sheer ignorance.

Bigotries proliferate through ignorance. All bigotries--racism, sexism, homophobia, ageism, religious bigotries, whatever--are passed along like head colds at the school yard, from there to home, and back to school again. Children hear "fat" being used to insult...and they believe it is an insult, that there is something inferior about the condition. They are just children; they need guidance in this. And if they do not have a wise parent, teacher, or counselor to correct them, they go through life with their bigotries intact.

What a wise parent would have told them is this: we are all brothers and sisters, and if we are to judge at all, let us judge on the content of a person's character. What we can see from a distance is a tiny part of who a person is. Wait, listen, pay attention to that person, don't judge, use your ears and heart and mind as well as your eyes before you decide about the person.

The truth is, you are an incredible one-time miracle in a vast, vast universe. Billions of species have existed on this earth, with billions of members each...and every planet far out there that has life has trillions of beings...yet among all this, you are unique, the only you that ever was.

Your weight now, the rate at which you lose, the natural size you will balance out to eating healthily is a tiny, tiny part of who you are. You are valuable and wonderful and fascinating for so many other things; you are loveable simply because you are you.

Remember this. Remember