I never knew why I had such an amazing desire to eat and I didn't think it odd that at 12 or 13 I could outeat grown men. I have only learned through a couple of years of therapy what the real issue was. I find it very hard to believe even now that something that happened to me at 11 years old had me totally screwed for this long, I am 31 now. I was a victim of rape by an older cousin, I always thought it was NO BIG DEAL.
I am ordinarily a reasonably intelligent woman however I have never been motivated to turn my mind to finding out what was making me so self destructive. I was of average(chubby) weight until 13 at which point I went through a very rough period of my adolesence and began a very unhealthy eating and exercise regimen and went from about an 18/20 to a size 6 in around a year. At 15 I found one and married him at my mother's request, neither parent was able/willing/whatever/ to have me with him/her. It was Mike or fostercare; by 17 or 18 I had crept back up to 180 or so, simply because my nearly thirty year old husband could not give me enough of what I needed(lots of coddling+sex). I was childish enough to believe telling him I would eat all the leftovers if he wouldn't make love would help...
It wasn't long before he did not believe that I had it in me to lose the weight,I am 5'3 +3/4 and was pushing 230 lbs. So the dare/challenge was issued, he bet me that I could never have the kind of body a man would want to see, several of our neighbors were exotic (adult) dancers.Yeah, you guessed it at 21 years of age I was again a size 6,and toned, tanned, and fit, and taking it all off 12 times a day at a very low class strip joint in SO. FL . I didn't even make anything since I didn't quit my night job as a security guard and stripped during the day. NOW that was good for my not quite existant self-esteem. I buried Mike in about 96. He was less than 40 years old. I weighed around 160 at that point, I freaked big time, it seems I also am/was a codependant. I could not hold a steady job, find my own place to live I lived with family at this time, or generally get my act together. Then I tried dating, and surprisingly, it did not go well. I had my heart broken by a 22 year old, illiterate simpleton that I loved with all my heart. I then met a controlling abusive man who wasmy boyfriend/not for 7 years, of pure hell. He is very emotionally abusive and I've had busted ribs,etc. a couple of times, it has only been in the last year I have been strong enough to tell we are not a couple. He had me on many occasions, pay for the things he gave me with illegal trade, if you know what I mean...Really good for one's self-esteem also.
Next enter the going to leave his wife married guy at work... Not a lot of fun and I even managed to let him get me knocked up. I of course ran back to my ever-embracing abusive ex. and got a termination. I had another year or so of this erratic and insane lifestyle before I realized that I really needed therapy. I did everntually hit bottom. Most likely. I used to tell friends, yeah I went crazy but now I am back...Now I lost/gained 80 lbs in the midst of some of this at around 28 years old on the Atkins diet and it was soon after this that I realized I was maybe not ready for the attention I recieve as a size 6, or even a size 12, I am very busty, unfortunately.At about 30 I was finally told by my psychologist what was happening, and it hit me like a ton a bricks, and at about the same time I lost my hard-won 4 year career at a factory due to carpal tunnel syndrome,industrial disease, they say. Yeah you guessed it I was then at the maximum me, 26? lbs, and as despondent as I had ever been. I am now 31 as mentioned and finally(hopefully) getting my act together, will start a night job as a security guard within a couple of weeks, and probably starting college in Sept/03, I am not sure until I see my social worker. I am now working a lot on liking myself and trying to and losing weight, I am now about 200 lbs. still. Because of my past diets and extreme eating/exercise regimens I now have a lot of gallbladder sludge that apparently will become stones if I do not drink a lot or eat too much fat, well they couldn't hurt too much more than my hands do. I am trying not to binge and trying to remember that food is not a friend or a comfort. I have only been on Atkins this time since Mar. and have fallen out of Induction like 3,4 times already.For nearly a week at a time I ate BIg Macs or Whoppers and frys with both hands, and in record timesmy latest binge was only 8-1-3. I am trying to forget it and not eat myself up with guilt, I am motivated to try behavior modification, if I ever find out how to, I tried yesterday and exercise seemed to help. I am very sorry if my tale offended anyone, I know I am A sinner, I am working on becoming a better woman...

I am not here to judge you . I wish you the best of luck.

Wow. This is heavy stuff. But just being able to share it is a step in the healing process and it sounds like you've taken several other steps. Just keep at it, take it one day at a time. The mcDonald's moments will come, don't beat yourself up, just keep going.

Healing takes time, but it sounds like youve come a long way and if you keep at it, it will happen.

My prayers are with you.

It is a strong person who can live as you have and come out the other end. This WOE is a peice of cake (pun intended) compared to what you have described. Remember, the horses that are pulling the cart (your health and weight journey) don't always walk in a straight line. If you "go back for more information" learn what you can and carry on. The only thing that will stop you is you. Your past is just your past, not your future. You can do this thing!

Acceptance and talking about it is the first step. Take one day at a time and don't beat yourself if you fall back alittle. There is a book out there Co dependency no more by M. Bette, its worth the $8. Try looking in to a support group for codepency.

And then remember you have the support here also.

f.slone,

wow. You are an incredibly strong and resiliant woman. My hat is off to you!

best,
RealityS

You have come through so much,and please know that these boards have some of the greatest folks here who will encourage you to take it one meal at a time. I respect you for being strong enough to share your life with us and know that you also have the strength to RE-Vision your life with school, healthy Atkins foods choices, exercise and sharing support and e-friendship here. Remember you can go to a size 6 - only if you wish, and with some additional therapy size 'whatever' will be the new you - for YOU!
Godspeed!