Balance, shmalance: A diet to die for
04/11/2003

By STEVE STEINBERG / The Dallas Morning News
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Most people will tell you they try to eat a balanced diet. Most people will also tell you they're good drivers, never cheat on their taxes and study all the issues before voting.

Here at The Dallas Morning News Balanced Diet Desk, we like this attitude. We're all for it. We want to invite it in for a drink and let it sit in our favorite chair. That's mainly because whenever we hear this guff, we fall down, roll around and laugh so hard that we get a thoroughly enjoyable cardio workout.

Actually, we don't doubt that people try to balance their diets a little, even if it means ordering a Diet Coke to go with their Wendy's Quintuple Bacon Ham Sausage Pepperoni Cheeseburger. (No, Wendy's doesn't make any such thing. Yet.)

The DMNBDD sympathizes. Balanced diets may come up big in the Essential Nutrition Department, but they're a little light in the Do Something Interesting With This Diet or We're Going to Pass Out Face Down in Our Plate of Whole Grains Department.

What we need, then, is a different sort of balanced diet. It should have at least a few essential nutrients, but still include foods that people really eat. (As in foods that are heavily advertised during prime time. And when was the last time you saw a commercial for steamed broccoli during Friends?)

At the same time, we're aiming for a daily target of about 2,600 to 3,000 calories. Yes, we could take the easy way out and go for 7,000 or 8,000. And you'd be getting plenty of solid nutrition. But a few weeks of such solid nutrition and you'd wake up one morning to find that you had sunk through the bed, the floor, the foundation and most of the Earth's crust.

After thorough and painstaking research that entailed a full 45 minutes in several aisles at the supermarket, we believe we have our dietary strategy.

We have fiber! We have vitamins! We have minerals! We have them around somewhere ... we're just not sure exactly where. But we can offer you a 100 percent guarantee that every single day of our seven-day plan includes at least one fruit or vegetable, or something that began life as a fruit or vegetable. (We believe pickles should count.)

More to the point, we've included plenty of your favorite foods, and we've made sure to represent all the important food groups. The Red Group, for example, features cherry Twizzlers, strawberry preserves and ketchup.

Furthermore, we have submitted this diet plan to a top nutritionist. And we are delighted to report that after prolonged and careful evaluation, her doctor believes she will recover from the shock and sit up in bed almost any day now. JUST SEVEN DAYS TO A WHOLE NEW YOU! (PROBABLY ONE THAT STRONGLY RESEMBLES JABBA THE HUTT)

Here is our meal plan, with calories in parentheses. Fat grams? You want fat grams, go ask Richard Simmons.

E-mail ssteinberg~dallasnews.com

EXTREMELY ESSENTIAL DISCLAIMER, SO MAKE DARNED SURE YOU READ THIS. WE REALLY MEAN IT. HEY! GET BACK HERE! WE'RE NOT FOOLING!


In the interest of responsible journalism, and also because our lawyers sat on our chest and refused to get off until we agreed to their demands, we must inform you:
You are not likely to lose weight on this diet. You are much more likely to lose your teeth and your health, although we can't say in which order. This diet should not be followed by children, adolescents, pregnant women, unpregnant women, men, dogs, cats or tropical fish. Wild boars in tip-top condition ... maybe.

Our lawyers ordered us to tell you this. Then they got off our chest and went to lunch. We believe they all ordered Wendy's Quintuple Bacon Ham Sausage Pepperoni Cheeseburgers, with extra Hershey's Syrup.

Day 1
Breakfast

Oatmeal, 1/2 cup (150 calories)

Lunch

Oatmeal Raisin Power Bar (a gazillion squadrillion vitamins and minerals) (230)

Dinner

12-ounce bag of Nestle Toll House Morsels (1,680)
1 carrot (30)
1 box Raisinets (190)
27 Altoids peppermints (90)
Diet Dr Pepper (0)


Day 2
Breakfast

8 ounces Cheerios (110)
8 ounces skim milk (100)
Banana (110)

Lunch

15-ounce can of corned beef hash (780)
Multivitamin (5)
Diet Sprite (0)

Dinner

24-ounce bottle of Hershey's Syrup (1,700)


Day 3
Breakfast

Multivitamin (5)
Diet Orange Slice (0)

Lunch

Bloody Mary (a liquid salad): 8 ounces tomato juice, 1 jigger vodka, 1 stalk celery (155)

Dinner

18-ounce jar of Jif Creamy Peanut Butter (3,040)
Diet A&W Root Beer (0)


Day 4
Breakfast

18-ounce jar of Smucker's Strawberry Preserves (1,300)
2 slices of whole-wheat toast (160)

Lunch

Multivitamin (5)
Gatorade, 8 ounces (50)
24-ounce jar of Vlasic Kosher Dill Spears (70)

Dinner

8-ounce aerosol can of Easy Cheese (560)
3-ounce bag of Funyuns (350)
Canfield's Diet Cherry Chocolate Fudge soda (0)


Day 5
Breakfast

Multivitamin (5)
1-pound can of Betty Crocker Rich 'n' Creamy Chocolate Frosting (1,690)

Lunch

1.38-ounce package of Cheese Nips peanut-butter sandwiches (190)

Dinner

5-ounce can Vienna sausage (375)
Small package of mint Skittles (180)
Diet Canada Dry Ginger Ale (0)


Day 6
Breakfast

8 ounces Rice Krispies (50)
8 ounces skim milk (100)

Lunch

Multivitamin (5)
10 maraschino cherries (100)

Dinner

18-ounce package of Double Stuf Oreos (2,520)
Diet Pepsi (0)


Day 7
Breakfast

Power Bar (230)

Lunch

24-ounce bottle of Heinz Ketchup (600)
3-ounce bag of Doritos Nacho Cheesier chips (420)

Dinner

6 Snickers bars (1,680)
Diet Coke (0)