Over the past 5 years, I have been to a slew (6) of psychiatrists and psychologists all of whom have not helped. The first I saw convinced me to end any relationship with my birth mother (something I have since mended) and told me that if I didn't force myself to have sex with my husband, I would lose him. The next one was my favorite but after a point, he told me that I needed a woman to talk to and sent me to a cold fish. One put me on mild schizophrenia drugs that made me hallucinate things in the shadows and another put me on anger meds that gave me tracers. The last one made me repeat everything I said and I finally got really sick of that. I am sick of repeating my life story to these nuts. After working in the psych field, I don't trust them too much.
So, here it is.
My husband and I have not had sex for over three years now. I am to blame. I am 30 and have zero sex drive. My ob/gyn says there is nothing to do about it. What do you think? I am not too thrilled about the thought of forcing myself to have sex.

Every year, someone in my family has died for the past 6 years beginning with my father.

I have a 5 yr old and a 4 yr old, both boys.

Also, I am fat and miserable in my body. I am trying to take care of that, but I just feel like everyone stares at the fat girl. I am hyper conscious about it when my limp is worse. It is from degenerative disk disease and ruptured disks get inflamed and put pressure on nerves that go to my legs and cause a limp. At times it is worse than others but some a** always points it out for me.
My marriage is failing. I think I should leave my husband and kids and I think they would be better of without me. My kids need someone who is more stable than I am and my husband needs someone other than me.
Tomorrow, I will contact drs to see if any of them can just give me a medication to numb who I am. I don't want to work anything out. I hate who I am and want to just numb myself.

Mommatbird,
First let me say that we have all at some point in life felt this way.
I can totally understand what is going on with your back,my husband was hurt on the job back in November of 2001, and has ddd also, it has caused him to be very depressed, so that is probably a big cause for your depression. He also feels like everyone is staring because of his limp and that I deserve better it makes me so sad when he says that I love him more that life itself. Also you feel down on yourself because you say you are fat let me tell you, you are taking the right step in starting this new way of eating and I think its great that you have already went from 237 to 218. And the reason that you have no sex drive probably is caused from all the medicine you have been on (Ive been there) also alot of the weight gain comes form those kind of medicines. Just from what I have read in your post, you sound like a very nice and loving person, and Im sure that your kids and husband would be lost without you. I too have been on all kinds of medication for depression and anxiety the one that I have found that works for me is welbutren, please dont give up on trying to work things out, you deserve a chance at happiness. If you ever need to talk to someone you could email me if you would like at Mattandjenny6802~aol.com.

Im sorry I just remembered I wasnt supossed to write my email address in a post.

I was on a few different prescriptions to try and lift my mood, but Im so bad with remembering to take them, that Id be up and down, up and down, because I was very inconsistent in my doses.. for about 2 years I was on a few different things, namely zoloft and wellbutrin.. I quit both cold turkey, against my psychiatrists advice, and asked him to release me as a patient..but now i control my moods all by myself, its much nicer being in control of my own mind and body than being dependent on something that made me just not really care about anything, including sex..(this was from the 50mg of Zoloft I was on..)

One of the things Ive found is that if you go to a psychiatrist, they are very quick to just write you a prescription and send you on your way, whereas a psychologist is there for theraputic purposes... they are there to hear you out, to help you understand whats going on in your life.. Id recommend you do some research online about a good psychologist in your area... as for sex drive, it could be from the meds (as it was for me..which is one of the reasons I quit) and it could be something much deeper that you may not even realize.. If in fact it is something deeper than medication side effects, a psychologist will also be able to help you work through this..

On a lighter note, I saw an ad the other day on TV for a new treatment/drug that is supposed to be like the female viagra.. sounded pretty good.. maybe you could talk to your general practitioner or ob/gyn about this..

How does your husband feel about everything? What does he say about the lack of sex? You shouldnt force yourself, but you also shouldnt naturally have zero sex drive.... at least not for 3 years... talk to us, let us know how youre doing... hugs..

youve got a lot more going for you than you realize, but we all know how easy it is to recognize the bad and miserable and ignore the good.. and... also remember, Everything happens for a reason.. someday you'll look back on this time in your life and you'll be able to know that you LEARNED from your experiences.. live and learn...

Hi Iknow how depressing back pain can be. I am just recovery from back surgery 2 weeks ago and at this pont the pain is not much better but it is early days so we just have to have a positive attitude. As for lack of sex drive I have been there too. Luckily I went to a good female Dr who specialises in hormone imbalances she did some tests and found I was post menopaisal and my testosterone levels were virtually gone. I went on an oestrogen patch and testosterone cream and boy did it work well. I am a new women in fact dh sometimes tells me to go away lol but it has helped. Now I am working on getting my weight down and back fixed. So hang in there and keep positive and this is the best support group you can ever find. I am sure there are so many people here willing to help.Hope everything goes well. Bye for now Jules

How are things, MommaTBird??

I've just read your post and I am empathizing with you and sending good thoughts your way.

I've had 0 sex drive for quite awhile myself--working, kids, housework, low self esteem from weight issues...Usually, when my hubby 'makes advances' I just go along with it, and get into it once he starts the foreplay (blushing profusely as I type this!!). Have you tried that?? Also, I don't care if it's recommended or not, after a few drinks I get in the mood, too (only drink 2-3 times a year). Just some ideas...

I'd like to know how all things are going, in general, for you. Keep in touch,
Nicole

Hi MommaTBird,
You know, three years is still within the spectrum of "normal", especially in your case. It's hard to take care of two young children who are very close in age! Believe me, I know...

Could it be that your body is saying, "No more kids! It's time to take care of ME! I need your attention too!" Are you getting enough time to take care of yourself?

I went through similar feelings, although for a shorter time period. My children are constantly touching me and clinging to me. By the time they went to bed, I wanted to be ALONE with no one touching me or asking for things. Sex was the last thing I wanted.

Although I really did not want to be touched, I found that I didn't mind touching my husband. So we compromised--we didn't have sex, he didn't touch me, but I touched him. (I'll leave it at that, lest my mother is reading this or I get kicked off the forum for being a pervert.) It wasn't a great substitute for sex, but it got us through a difficult time.

In addition, I explained to him why I thought I was having this problem, and that it was nothing to do with him. These are the reasons I (think) had a low sex drive:

1)My kids were constantly touching me.
2)I was very stressed and couldn't relax. I need to relax in order to feel aroused. The lack of sex drive was an even bigger stress on me!
3)I didn't feel sexy or attractive. I was fat, I had stretch marks, a saggy stomach, saggy boobs, hairy eyebrows, nasty toenails, and my face was broken out because I didn't have time to take care of myself.
4)It took a long time to get used to my body after having kids. It had changed so much. I felt like my brain had been transplanted into someone else's body.

I'm not sure why or how my sex drive came back. I still have all the problems I listed above, but I don't focus on them anymore. I focus on my nutrition and health, my kids, and my personal goals. Focusing on how fat and monstrous I looked wasn't getting me anywhere.

A couple more things I wanted to mention (you don't have to answer these questions, just think about them):

Whose idea was it to go to 6 psychiatrists, yours or your husband's? Who believes that your marriage is failing? You, your husband, or both of you?

Are you on birth control? Some forms of birth control will take away your sex drive--many people (including myself) have had this experience with Depo-Provera.

Finally, please don't leave your children. They don't see you the way you see yourself. To them you are perfect, and honestly, their opinions are the only ones that matter.

If you feel like you aren't being a good mother, don't try harder--take it down a notch. When I have a bad day, I lay on the sofa with the kids and we watch Elmo videos all day. I don't clean house, I don't make dinner (except maybe some pbjs for the kids), and I don't feel guilty. Maybe I'm not mentally "there" for them on those days, but I'm still "there," which is important to them and still counts for something. On these days, watching Mr. Rogers really helps me--he's so persuasive and sincere when he tells us we're special.

Sorry this is so long! I can't seem to reply to a post without writing a novel. I really empathize with your situation and I hope you can find a way to feel better.

Saramun

PS: I tried "forcing myself" once. I didn't enjoy it, although I did feel like having sex about four hours later. The only thing that I've found that really gets me in the mood (or sometimes just makes me feel better) is to lie naked under an electric blanket.