Mon, Jul-28-03, 16:30
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Senior Member
Posts: 118
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Plan: Schwarzbein
Stats: 169/154/150
BF:
Progress: 79%
Location: Vancouver
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Oh, how I can relate. Especially about the bipolar mother, but my father was the proverbial "nice guy". I am 56 and it has taken me years and years to try and unravel the complexity of family relationships. I found an excellent book called "Toxic Parents" - if you don't want to purchase it you may want to loan it from a library.
I have to congratulate you for your intuitiveness and insight. What you need to do is set boundaries for yourself. For instance, if your father begins screaming and being verbally abusive, leave - simply walk out the door and remove yourself fromt he situation. Rage, anger is a controlling behaviour. Your family won't like this new behaviour. At first and they will call you names and accuse you of all sorts of things but this is a way of taking some control for you. And possibly cut your visits down to every two weeks instead of every weekend. This will give you some much needed time for yourself.
What you are doing, is eating to comfort yourself. Carbs make your brain "feel good" and with an anxiety laden situation as you have with your family, you feed yourself to help cope with them and the explosive situation.
You must learn that what is wrong in your family, was wrong long before you came along. You are not the cause and you cannot be the cure either. But you do have the choice whether to allow yourself to continue on as a "victim" in the family or remove yourself from the situation and take some control. Families like this create "rescuers" of their kids. It has taken me years and years, and counceling to realize that "it wasn't my fault my family is the way it is" and that there is no "Walton's type family".
Now I can visit and say to myself beforehand "I can last 3 hours, 3 days (a specific) period of time and due my "duty" then remove myself and not be affected. The family got used to me setting bounds but they didn't like it and I felt burdened by guilt for quite a while - it is difficult to turn off the enabling once it takes hold, but for your own sanity's sake you need to take control and do this for YOU!
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