What I think?

Every human being has periods of “unlovable freak” – some may never admit it or show it, but they do.

Being fat is an alibi – and a most obvious one. I’m willing to bet that a lot of you in this thread also have issues with intelligence.

All my adult life I’ve vexed between: I’ll never find a partner because “I’m too fat and physically unappealing” and “I’ll never find a partner because I’m too smart and get bored real quick with people not as intelligent as I”.

I’ve had A LOT more guilt about the latter than the first.

Fat is such an obvious issue – even fat people find it disgusting – at least in themselves so they expect other to do too. Intelligence is a taboo – at least where I come from.

I met someone – by chance on one of the very first boards on the Danish part of the net in 1995 (a great way to meet people by the way) – and she looked beyond the fat (it was hidden to her) and matched my intelligence. Actually matched – I’m the mathematical logical kind – she’s the humanistic intuitive kind.

We were together for 8 years.

Our relationship is just ending – but the crash has brought the “unlovable freak” out in me again.

In two different ways: She started an affair with another woman, behind my back, and turned so completely from me mentally and physically that I started to thing: I’m ugly, fat, stupid and unlovable.

But over time the real damage was to my intellect: Did she really think I didn’t realize what was going on – the constant e-mailing (I’m a journalist and I know the difference in the typing cadence between work and fun), the constant text messaging and subtle little things like that

Today I’m alone. (I know: No comfort to those of you who are still waiting for the love of your life)

But I think that I’ll get out of this ok ONLY because I’m doing something about my fatness.
I’ve found the intelligent solution to my troubles: Too many comforting carbs (Beer, candy and Orange Juice was my vice – I could drink 2 l of freshly squeezed orange juice - still could)

Right now today I don’t feel on the spot for my fat. She loved me when I was fatter than today.

I do however feel the insult to my intellect keenly. Not least because it turns out I was a lot more intuitive than she realized.

But to quote a sappy country and western song (Sorry visited Nashville recently):

Love might be a mistake,
but it’s worth making.

I have to add my sneaky eating to the list. When going to pick up our take-out order at the local pizza shop, I would leave early to make a stop at Burger King for a Whopper to eat right away. Then pick up the take-out, and stop at McDonalds for a fish sandwich and fries, that I would eat on the way home. When I got home, I would eat my take-out with the rest of the family.

Thanks everyone for chiming in with your experiences with finding love late in life and feeling the same way I do. I really was beginning to feel like a freak (okay, I still do, but a little less tonight!). I just don't know anyone IRL who hasn't had at least one real relationship.

It's not that I've given up on finding someone but just getting really scared it won't ever happen, and I'm getting to the point where I'm even scared to hope for it anymore because the pain of wanting it is too hard. Though I don't think it's necessary to a productive happy life to be coupled, I do think (for me at least) it's far preferable.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit bad about the threadjack here, but I am very grateful to everyone for supporting me with their kind words, shared experiences and encouragement. You guys really are the best.

Valerie

I didn't gain a ton of weight till after my daughter was born. I was overweight before she was born, but nothing like I am now.
Being overweight has always been a major concern of my mothers. So when I was in jr high and 145 pounds she had me going to weight watchers. Mind you I'm not small boned and 145 pounds I looked just right, and felt good- played every sport I could, and didn't really eat much. So when she started getting on me about my weight I didn't eat ANYTHING in front of her, but I would sneak stuff after everyone went to bed. I never gained weight then, but the sneaking carried on to highschool. I gained about 20 pounds after I graduated and never lost it- even after getting into mt biking and being very active, just couldn't lose it.
Now I know why lol- living on pasta and ramen for years on end because of living on my own and having to pay for a car and school and rent, well I couldn't afford to eat anything else.
Back then I quit worrying about my weight as a number. I was 195 lbs but looked to be about 160 and I felt awsome.
Then I had dd and gained a TON of weight within months- partly due to thyroid problems, but mostly due to never actually eating a meal and just grazing on whatever was available all day.
I think a lot of my grazing stemmed from not wanting my parents to know what I was eating. Even now when I go home I eat very little in front of them which is pretty pathetic considering I am 28 years old and moved out 9 years ago lol.
Oh well, I am on the road to recovery now and that's all that matters.

I had the opposite experience nearly...my mom would pile my plate high with food and say I wasn't eating right if I didn't eat the 4 pieces of chicken, the half a ton of potatoes, salad, green beens...thank goodness this was only when she visited from out of state.

I too was overweight before giving birth but nothing like I am now but after having dd my appetite got worse. But, I still ate relatively normal. I gained 60 lbs with dd and never, ever lost it. I was vegetarian the entire pregnancy, the smell of meat made me sick, I ate very healthily, eating eggs, cheese, and tomatoes mainly, eating blocks of cheese, nuts, etc. I followed the dietary guidelines for pregnant women to the tee, I even took calcium pills cause I wasn't able to drink milk because of being pregnant as well. I didn't take any non-pregnancy pills, not even a non-aspirin or allergy pill...and yet I gained 60 lbs.

Outdoormom, you just reminded me of a time when dd was 1 1/2 when we were struggling for money, really struggling as I went to school and worked...I too had nothing to eat but rice, I wished I had pasta...but rice was cheap and that's what we ate for nearly 6 months with a little meat and seasoning. Who could afford veggies when you're poor? I gained weight and couldn't understand why. Even friends would joke that I couldn't possibly be starving cause I was heavyset. They even named me www.rice.com-(this was my nickname and this isn't my website), because I was addicted to two things, rice and the internet. In reality that's all we had to eat.

I ate one bowl of rice for dinner, not 3 or 4 bowls,...just one and that would be my complete dinner but my metabolism was shot to heck and I didn't know anything about carbs and how many carbs was in just 1/4 cup of rice, let alone a bowl but when your taught to eat low-fat according to the food chart, rice and potatoes are on top and for some of us who are very sensitive to those types of foods, eating them causes weight gain.