Wow, serious words written in here, I'm going to lighten it up a bit and say:

I grew up with bright carrot red hair and a face full of freckles...that and being overweight with Acne by the time I was 16...recipe for suicide don't you think !!

Come on ladies give the guys a break...we maybe obese/fat/whatever but most of us girls don't end up both fat and bald ... have a heart !!

Not just skinny people are critical. I have heard more than enough snike comments from overweight people towards the skinny. Look at all of the negative comments about how skinny Lara Flynn Boyle is. I am no skinny girl, I just hold my weight very well. Yesterday I was at the park with my girls, when an excessively overweight girl (probably 16 or 17yrs. old) had to make a comment towards me to her girlfriend. "Oh my G*d, they are like two huge watermelons.", refering to my chest. For her information, I am naturally large breasted and I am breastfeeding, but she just assumed that they were "done". I ignored her. Why she had to make a comment, I don't know. Maybe she is so uncomfortable with herself she had to make herself feel better by thinking she was "natural" and I was "unnatural". It really doesn't matter, both sides of the weight spectrum are wrong for judging the other end. When I was in junior high there was a super skinny girl (very shy too), that was picked on all the time. One day in the locker room after gym, she dropped a handful of change on the floor. Two bigger girls started taking her money (laughing) while she stood there and cried. I scooted the change I could reach into a pile and stood on it. The girls told me to move and when I didn't, proceeded to stomp on my foot twice with the heel of her boot, breaking my foot. I never moved that foot. Once the girls left, I helped her pick up her money and never said a word about my foot. It still hurts today. My point, they only picked on her because she couldn't/wouldn't stand up for herself. Yes, larger people get it more, but alot more than skinny people are mean and insensitive.

When I was an overweight child (which started by first grade, if not earlier; I was sent to weight loss camp at 8) people seemed to think they had the right to comment on my weight at all times. Other kids teased me (especially boys), well-meaning adults gave dieting advice, and I even heard the "such a pretty face" line a few times. I was singled out with a few other kids (including one boy) to see the school nurse on a weekly basis for weigh-ins and nutrition chat. Most of the time, it seemed the only thing people noticed about me was my weight. And I wasn't hugely obese, just heavy enough to stand out from the norm. Oh, and of course I had to buy my clothes at special stores (has that changed?).

At a certain age I found that people began to stop thinking they had the right to comment on my weight. Once I was an adult it became a surprise to get a direct comment (I once had a man checking my bag at a library tell me I shouldn't have "that candy bar" that was in my purse). The exception, I've noticed, is that other overweight people sometimes feel it is ok to point out our shared difference. Once my plump dentist made some remark about "people like us," meaning those with excess weight. Obviously he didn't meant to be rude, but it still hurt my feelings that he was focusing on my weight as my defining characteristic (and his as well, as I suppose).

Being a mother has been a shield for me in some ways. It's as if I am saying to the world, "look, I'm not trying to compete in the mating marketplace, so just ignore me when you are judging women's bodies." I hate being photographed, but it is more tolerable if I'm with my kids (who are now teenagers).

I FOUND YOUR POST RUDE AND OFFENSIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Women are just as big offenders. Yes, men are attracted visually to women. Yes they stare. But dont even go there that men staring is responsible for women picking the wrong foods and eating too much of those foods. This comes up from time to time and it always comes up how MEN are to blame. Go to any public place and it is hard to find thin women with fat men. It is not like women aren't vain and shallow too.

Ok. This thread has been very, very interesting. So tell - are you attracted to overweight people? Whether you're overweight or close to goal or whatever? Would you date, marry, sleep with, someone overweight? And what are the distinctions?

Onebigman, I understand where you're coming from, but I really do think that for the most part women are more judged by their looks than men are, and not just by men, but by one another.

But I would never deny that men suffer discrimation of all sorts if they are more than moderately overweight. I also think that very short men have an extremely rough time, much more difficult than short women (I'm 5'0).

I sadly admit the world has many cruel and ignorat people. Most are young and are not being taught empathy. Ignorance and cruelity are invisible swords, causing damage and destruction.

Empathy is not in the nature of all people, for most it is learned. As parents we can teach our children that any form of ridicule is unacceptable and when/if they participate in any form they face harsh consequences at home.

regards,

Absolutely true, I mean do we WANT these people to like us, frankly the less approval I have from people like this the better. After all what we know about ourselves is much more important than what others say about us.

Fascinating thread, and it got me wondering...

I've been fat all my life, from day one (10lb 14oz, 22 inches, three days late). The net result of this is that I have ZERO idea what it's like to be a normal sized person, or to get the attention that "normal" sized folks get. I've been put down in some form or another all my life, from kindergarten on up. Always with the "hey, fat boy!", "lard-ass!", "Yo, Shamu!" or my favorite, "Hey, pull up your shirt, we need to rub your belly for luck!" (when I played football). Middle school was the worst, but I finally found my niche, sort of, in theatre in high school, as well as being the guy with the smarts and the car and the willingness to do anything for anybody so long as people paid attention to me, even if I was willfully being used and it was blatantly obvious. Known one girl that saw past the outside and that ended about eleven years ago. I was too emotionally screwed up, on guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop, too used to the, "but you're just such a NICE GUY..." (Two words that run like rebar through my heart--yes, they *physically* hurt to hear) that I messed up the relationship as a defense mechanism. Nothing since. Presently no friends outside of the Internet, just work acquaintances. I want them, but I'm scared to death of opening up again, or at least trying to.

Has anyone here heard of AvPD? Short for Avoidant Personality Disorder. It sums me up quite nicely. Wanting attachment and emotional connection but unable to get there. Shying away from almost everyone/thing. Constantly depressed. Lethargic, unmotivated. Fearful of people and the possibility of any attachment, for fear of another rejection.

I'm just wondering if I'm atypical of the rest of you, or if we're near the same boat, some of us. Tried antidepressants (zoloft) and all they did was numb the depression and make the boy-parts not want to work. Got off of the zoloft and everything's (mood and anatomy) "back to normal". Not of the fun.

WHEN I lose the weight I want to lose, and start resembling something that might remotely be considered *normal* or heavens forbid *studly*, I'd love to know what all this attention I've heard of is all about. The one thing I fear, more than being overweight, more than dying, is that I'm irredeemably screwed up now (I'm 31), that should attention come, especially in the form of a (shock! gasp!) interested person of the female persuasion, I won't know what to do with it. I have zero frame of reference and very little experience outside of romantic daydreams and cheezy date movies and watching all my closest friends one by one fall in love, get married and abandon their one perpetually-single fat friend.

What is normal supposed to be like? Can anyone that has been there tell me? I would really like to know.

Sean

I think about this topic from time to time. I believe the male species, hands down, willl not give an obese woman too much attention. It's hard to get them to look you in the eye. End of story. No gray area here as far as I can see. When I was thin, I got too much attention so I didn't mind not being eyeballed, as I was married and my husband wasn't too upset (at least I didn't care if he was upset) with my (post pregnancy) very large weight gain.
Most woman (woman who I would be friends with) on the other hand, I've found, do not judge obese woman as harshly, in my experience at least. I found woman (other moms mostly) accepting me more when I was accepting of myself. Meaning I was confident, funny, relaxed and real. When I was thin (and young) I never felt a "sisterhood" like I do now. I only sensed a feeling of competition or I felt like I may have been a threat to some woman. Bottom line I was much happier being 70 lbs heavier than I was being thin. I think the weight wasn't as big an issue as I thought it was. I believe there are still people who can see past the physical and thru to your soul and still enjoy being around people who are happy in their own skin what ever size that may be. I really do believe that how you feel about yourself may be more important than what size you are.

I decided I was okay about 8 years ago and I said screw it, I'm not going to please everyone all the time and I'm not pleasing anyone right now so heck I'm just going to do what feels right and what I believe to be the right thing, without fear or without caring what anyone thinks of me!. The results were amazing the more chances I took, the more self esteem I gained. When I stopped gaging my success on the opinions of others I gained the most important repect of all.....self respect. Now I've lost the weight and people do comment and praise me but then move on and it's quickly forgotten. Most folks are thinking about what your thinking of them......


Just MHO
Marg

Welcome Sean! I will pay attention to you, as I was very moved by your last post. Others here will too, as you sound very intellegent and sensitive. A commodity for anyone! I do believe this low carb way of eating can put you on the road to permanent weight loss and give you a goal to set your sights on! Daily cardio is essential in my opinion and getting to the gym everyday may be a goal too.

Once the weight is off you can relax a bit and just say, to hell with it I'm going to be myself, if you like me great if not, then move on. Sometimes caring too much can be a problem. Woman love men who are confident, in control, happy with life and themselves and willing to share their feelings. You have an edge over most guys because you are sensitive. Once you are buff.....fogettaboutit.!

You've got to start somewhere and you've come here ....I think it's a good start! Keep posting!!


Marg

You are going to do GREAT (the mom in me is sneaking out). Have you thought about starting a journal? You can use it whenever you want, and trust me, you will have oh so many visitors.

We all have many barriers to overcome. I'm quickly discovering that the physical one is just the first step. It is easier to say "just be yourself" than to really do it. So many of us are born "people pleasers" and are just now trying to discover how to please ourselves, or for that matter, even KNOWING how to even begin to do that. Sometimes I don't even know who "myself" is.

I, too, am at a crossroads in my life. My daughter has just started college and I have discovered the profession that I have dreamed of and trained for my entire adult life is NOT causing me any happiness. I took a huge and frightening step a few weeks ago and took a year leave of absence. Now, I'm dealing with getting the rest of this weight off (I've been in a year long stall) and finding my true calling in life. I'm excited and scared all rolled into one.

Now, start that journal and take all of this one step at a time. You have lots of support here and we're all in this together. It is so nice not to feel all alone out there!

Kathy

Hi Sean!

A few thoughts: I'm sure the prejudice you've dealt with, I can't even imagine. But I truly believe it all boils down to choices. If you don't risk, you won't find true love (if that's what you're looking for). And there ARE women out there who will judge you for who you are and not your size. Part of the problem might be the way you judge and present yourself. I'm 5'10" and 226 lbs. No little girl. If I skulk around in jeans and a baggy t-shirt, I can look 50 lbs. heavier and noone will give me a 2nd look. It conveys an attitude. But if I walk down the street in a skirt and heels I get some attention. No, I don't stop traffic, but I do get attention. And my attitude is different, and people respond to me differently. My bf is almost exactly the same size as you. Although he's trying to get healthier (he's already lost like 100 lbs. before I met him) he kind of embraces the "bigman" thing. Will he dress differently when he's lighter? I'm sure he will choose things to accentuate that. But right now, the first time I met him, I was drawn to his presence, and that included his size. I'm not saying people aren't horrible, and that there aren't people who will treat you badly. But I do think you have at least a bit more control than you think! Hugs!

Hi Sean,
I just wanted to know that I responded immediately to your articulate statement and your honest search for self-understanding. You say you have internet friends, and I do think that's a perfectly valid place for friendships to begin. I think internet communication allows people to start with a base of mutual knowledge that it would be hard to get any other way.

I would never discount your struggles or feelings of inadequacy. I too have a lifetime experience of being overweight, but I was lucky in that during the time that I wanted it badly enough (e.g. the college years) I was able to reach out and connect and eventually end up in a happy marriage.

Good luck!