BACK PORCH: Being a sucker for starch makes a wonderful life

By: Melissa Morgan , Social Editor 04/24/2003

BACK PORCH by Melissa Morgan: Pump me full on bread! My carbs are back and better than ever.
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Imagine dining on a breakfast that includes a five-egg omelet with gobs of cheese and a side of extra-fatty bacon. For lunch, all the bunless burgers you can eat, and to top it all off, a nice juicy rib eye for dinner. And being able to gorge yourself on the greasiest eats out there isn't even the best part. You can chow down on all this food and the pounds still melt away — up to 20 in two weeks! Sounds like a dream, right? Absolutely wrong.

For exactly five days this week, I was living in a carbohydrate-free hell. I probably wouldn't complain if I never saw another piece of meat in a very, very long time — and this fierce hatred of beef, chicken and especially pork comes after only five days of being tortured by a meat-lovers diet.

I don't really need to lose any weight, but, like most women, I'm constantly conscious of what I put into my body, and I figured shedding an extra 10 pounds can never hurt — especially with bathing suit season lurking. I'd heard about the famed Atkins diet before but never really paid much attention. I figured it was yet another fad and preferred to stick with the motto I'd always thought was best — fatty food is enemy number one.

Last Thursday, however, my nutritional prowess did a complete 180. Like Dr. Jekyll turning into Mr. Hyde or Dr. David Banner morphing into the Incredible Hulk, I went from fat-free fanatic to a raging grease guru in a matter of seconds.

After Dr. Robert Atkins died last week as a result of head injuries sustained from a fall, the controversial diet was once again brought into the limelight. Like a lot of people, I assumed his protein and fat intense daily food intake contributed to his death.

After pondering the nutritional value of cutting out carbs for a while, I decided to surf onto atkinscenter.com and see what I could find, and I was shocked by what I uncovered — his concept made sense! All of a sudden, it was like I saw a bright light drawing me way from my beloved carbohydrates and into the protein rich "other side." Fireworks starting going off in my head. Woo-hoo! Finally, all of my problems were answered. I had discovered the single secret to maintaining a lean body for life — meat!

It seemed so simple. Your body burns two things for energy, carbohydrates and fat. If you cut out the carbs, it's forced to burn the fat. Plus, more fat burned equals lower cholesterol. Makes sense right? It sounded like an epiphany to me, too. I thought this must be the reason Americans are so overweight. I figured the carbohydrates, not the fats, are killing us. I immediately decided to devote myself to a carbohydrate-free lifestyle for as long as I could. My friends and family made fun of me for my sudden passion for pepperoni, but I could care less.

On Atkins diet day one, I was soaring on a protein-packed high. I felt great. I had some eggs for breakfast, a little ham and salami for lunch, chicken and veggies for dinner, and the low-carb candy bars I bought at the supermarket actually tasted pretty good.

But, of course, nothing lasts forever. Things started to get a little worse by days two and three, but by day five (Monday), I was completely ready to hold up a bakery and demand they keep the cash but give me their entire supply of bread products. Eating absolutely no fat at all made this diet look easy. I realized absolutely everything — from broccoli to bananas — has carbohydrates. I couldn't eat anything! I felt like a cocaine addict that lost her quick fix. Sure, my appetite did decrease, but simply because I felt like I might puke if I ate another peanut or pork product.

So after five very long days, I quit. Yes, I'm a quitter and proud of it. For those of you who continuously live the Atkins lifestyle, I admire you.

The Atkins diet is supposed to teach us we are addicted to carbohydrates. For me, I learned this is definitely the case, and I also learned I like it that way. Carbohydrates make me happy. Who says you shouldn't use food as a comfort? There's nothing better than pigging out on a pint of Ben and Jerry's after a hard day at work. So, I'm an addict. Who cares? Feed me!

Being starch and sugar deprived also helped me fully appreciate a true love for my top five favorite carbohydrates. I will forever hold the following five foods in the highest esteem: ice cream, mashed potatoes, pasta, bagels and, of course, chocolate.
Dr. Atkins would probably be happy knowing I at least gave his well thought out diet plan a try, but when I die, I plan to do it happily — with a stomach full of pasta, popcorn and tons of buns!

Melissa Morgan is social editor for the South Brunswick Post. She can be reached via e-mail at mmorgan~pacpub.com.


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