Every since high school I've been fat. I met my boyfriend while in High school. I am now 23 and weigh 378lbs. My boyfriend kept telling me to try to lose weight. I did try, but always failed. He came by last night to tell me that its over. He loves me but the attraction is no longer there. I just feel like dying.

Hi Tonya -

First things first - I know it's hard, but maybe this is the kick in the pants you need (so to speak) to get motivated enough to lose some weight. I've always been heavy myself, and when my marriage ended and I realized I'd have to be out there meeting new men, I knew it was time to face reality and do something about it. I was afraid no men would be attracted to me and want to date me.

You are the only one who has any control over it and can do anything about it. Take some time to get over your relationship ending, but then try to look on the bright side of things and see what this experience has taught you. Hopefully it'll be just what you need to get yourself going on a weight loss plan.

I like Atkins so far - I never feel hungry or deprived. Give it a try - you have everything to lose

I've had this happen to me too. One thing I found out through counsilling is that part of the reason I couldn't lose weight was a quiet subconscious rebellion going on in my head. After talking about it and learning I was angry at my boyfriend's reaction and my reaction was hurting myself I realized I was punishing the wrong person. You are your own best friend. You have to love yourself first. You are so worth it.

Tonya,

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain. Please know that there are many people on this board that can identify with your story and are crying right along with you.

Please take a day or two, and focus on only yourself, allow yourself to feel the pain, and begin the grieving process. I'm sure that you feel a loss.

Having said that, please consider that your boyfriend is basing his actions and opinions on what is OUTSIDE, and not what's on the inside. Perhaps, he is not DESERVING of YOUR companionship. You deserve to be LOVED for who you are, and not what size you wear.

You sound like such a sweet and special lady. I know it's hard - but please remember that there are people out there who will love and cherish you for who you really are, not what size you wear.

Congratulations for reaching out to the good people on this board, and if you choose to start the LC WOL, I'm sure that you will find much comfort and su pport here.

Please do take care of yourself, and remember that YOU are worth loving . Please DON'T hang your entire self worth up on the opinion of any man.

True love - that is mutual - doesn't hurt.

-Beth

Hi Tonya: I looked at your profile. You're short like me and the weight is no joke. I can relate to you. When I was 16, I was went to the movies with a guy. He met a friend there and the friend said, right in front of me, "She's too fat." I coudda smacked him but I was only 16 with very little self esteem.

You say you've been heavy since high school. Did something happen in your adolescence that got you eating? Was it a medical or emotional happening? Talk to your doctor or your religious leader about this. Don't be embarrased, no matter what it was. I had a traumatic childhood and couldn't talk about it until I was 30. It took time to release the hurt and anger. Most of it has gone and I've gotten on with my life.

Tonia, you're in your early 20's. It's the best time to change the life you hate. Find something that you like to do ... then do it. I know it's not easy to just drop into anything. You're concious about your weight, that's natural. But there must be somebody, some group of people who will accept you as you are.

Try volunteering. The sick and the elderly would glad to have some tender loving care. The animals at the local shelter need walking, cleaning, and loving. Sometimes if you give away what you need the most, you'll get it back ten-fold.

I hope that you'll be feeling better soon.

Cheers from Chiqui

Hi Tonya,

I know its hard to believe that things will be better, but they can be. It takes determination but every person has the power to change their own life. This board is a great place to look for support, reading through the posts and stories of others might encourage you and help you to feel less alone. I hope that you're feeling better today, 23 is still young you CAN change your life and have many years of happiness.

Maybe reading some of success stories will help you to realize that many other people have won this battle.
http://www.lowcarb.ca/stories.html

Dear Low Carbers: Today I visited with a cousin whom I hardly know. He just retired and he moved into our area to be close to his daughter and grandchild.

We got talking about the family. His mother is "off the wall" and so is mine. As we talked about handling our unmanageable mothers thru childhood, adulthood, and now we're taking care of aging mothers, we found that we had common heartaches and disappointments.

When my cousin showed me pictures of his sister (whom I've only seen once) I was astonished. She looks just like me, but fatter. I know that, like me, she's "eating her frustrations" about her mother's behavior. Maybe other things too.

I emotionally reached out to my unknown cousin in the photograph. I wanted to hug her and let her cry on my shoulder and tell her that no matter what, she can get thru this.

I had to stand my ground to my mother and let her know that she has no right to say mean and cruel things to me. I felt better after that. It still hurts when she says smart remarks but she doesn't do it as often. Unfortunately, I have to protect myself and stay out of her line of fire. So I don't see her that much. It's a pity because she's widowed now and I sure would love to be closer to her. But she won't let me.

Her brother said that my female cousin is afraid of her mom, altho she's got grown kids of her own. It took me a long time to establish self-esteem. I kept getting kicked in the pants. But finally I came to the conclusion that I've done nothing wrong to deserve such bad treatment. My cousin doesn't know this yet, but she will.

I will talk to her about it in a kind and loving way, the same as I am talking to you. We are all God's children, deserving of dignity and respect. This has to come from ourselves first. I learned it the hard way.

Sincerely, Chiqui

Tonya,

It is very important for you to get some help immediatly from a trained mental health practitioner. Your comment of "Just wanting to die" and relatively young age is an indication of what sounds to be extreme distressing and potentialy dangerous set of circumstances. Take care of your whole self.
I am sorry for your pain, but life can/is/will get better.

Good Luck

Dear Help Tonya, I'm hurting with you and for you. It is such a difficult thing to deal with - a broken heart. As my friend used to say, "The best revenge is to live well". And living well means taking care of our physical as well as our mental health. I had to learn over and over again. I'm in my 60's and for the first time in my life since I was 18, I choose not to have a "boyfriend". I have been alone for 5 years and have been trying to learn self esteem so that I will attract the type of people who will love me for myself, not my looks or anything else.

I know it will be difficult for you at your young age to even think of doing without a boyfriend on purpose. We seem to need that for validation when we are young. But, working on the real bottom line at this time can give you a giant step ahead for your future. I have finally learned after all these years, I have to love me for me and not what anyone else thinks of me. It is a difficult thing to do sometimes. I hope it comes easily to you. Warmest, Madi

Dear Tonya

What can I say that will make you feel better and loved?

My answer is - all the replies you've received to your original posting. Take it from me these people really do care and are'nt just giving you advice 'because its something to do'.

I was in your situation 5 years ago, but like a fool I allowed this man back in my life and he did it 2 more times to me. By the time that I was eventually alone again - I felt like I'd gone through 20 rounds with mike tyson. I was mentally bruised in the biggest possible way.

I am now with someone else and although my relationship is not how I really want it - I keep trying. I think on reflection I should have taken some time out for me and healed first. Although my partner is not nasty - he also does not have time to give to me and we are lucky if we see each other for 24 hours in one week - I work days - he nights. Because of this the closeness that we had has all but gone and this saddens me greatly.

The trouble is - I seem to be the only one trying and it does'nt work this way. I know that sooner or later I am going to have to face up to this and make a decision.

What I am trying to say is - you have your home and independance - I just have the latter. Give yourself some time - get yourself a cat - they really are comforting creatures. They love to be stroked, dont take much looking after and you will never feel alone. Also get yourself on here when you can. I also joined a group recently called the flylady.net and I get around 10 emails a day. I know these emails get sent to others as well, but it just makes me feel like I'm not alone.

The fly lady helps you bring control into your life, via routines and boy did I need those. Due to this fabulous lady - I have sent heavens knows how many bin liners full of stuff I'll never use or wear, to the local charity shop. My home is now so much easier to clean and she has given me pride in myself - something that my partner had managed to take away from me. If nothing else just go have alook and you'll be surprised.

I hope all goes well for you and feel free to private message me, as I will always listen.

Take care and has the british say ' keep your chin up'

lots of hugs

At the very end of 1997, I weighed 300 pounds and went through the same thing; the boyfriend I'd been seeing for seven years decided to call it quits. It hurt so bad that I wanted to die; the only reason I didn't is because I couldn't bear to take a knife to my wrists and I didn't have any cyanide handy. It took a long time to get over it (about four years, actually; I don't heal inside very quickly). It taught me a few hard lessons about life and love, the biggest one being that if I don't love myself, no amount of loving from another person will make me feel better nor solve any of my problems.

Low-carbing has been my savior; if I hadn't discovered it a year ago, I would still be at 264 and steadily making my unhappy way back to 300 pounds where nothing in my life was right.

Stay with the low-carb plan; it is the light at the end of that very long, dark tunnel. I'm in my second year of doing Atkins; it's a long journey with some missteps, but SO worth the effort. The closer I get to my goal, the better I feel. Every step made is one more step closer...the steps do add up; you just gotta keep with it.

Regards,

-- Nicky

OH TONYA!! I have been there, except at least he said something to you, instead of having to find out from the girl that he was cheating on you with.....that's what happened to me. My boyfriend (ex boyfriend)of a year and a half actually cheated on me with a "friend" of mine. One day she decided to tape a conversation and asked why he didn't want to be with me anymore.....he told her it was because I was too fat and that he was upset that I couldn't lose the weight instantly for him. Did he think that it was all gonna disappear within a minute? Hour? Day? That really hurt me inside and it still hurts, but I figured out that it doesn't matter what he thought. I have low self-esteem, which I am working on. Emotional abuse doesn't helpa nd if that was what was going on, it's maybe better you're not with him. I hope this post helps you with your situation...

Hello all,

I've been reading your posts and am so glad I stopped by this website! I have been feeling so depressed because of my weight and how difficult it is to lose it. I've realized that I use food to forget the troubles in my life and how unhappy i have been so many years. Now that I am controlling what I eat (with a low carb diet plan), I have to confront all those issues that have been eating at me for so long.

Tonya, I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I understand how you feel--I've been there as well! My last boyfriend refused to sleep with me when I began to gain weight. I had gone back to school and was under tremendous pressure but that didn't matter to him. I felt so hurt and the continual rejection ruined my self-esteem. I'm trying to rebuild it now. Don't let this man poison your mind against yourself. Love yourself and treat yourself kindly. You are not alone in your struggle! Take care and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I always think of the line from that movie (I forget the name)--a little bit of pressure + time= success. Just push a little every day (with a low carb diet and exercise) and you will be on your way!

Best wishes,
Talinka

Tonya,

I can totally understand how you feel and where your coming from. In college I weighed 175 and my boyfriend at the time was pushing me into losing weight. He was so obsessed with my looks and how I looked on his arm. I felt good about myself and my weight at the time and after a real internal struggle I told him to get LOST! I didn't want to live with someone hounding me about my weight for the rest of my life!

I then met my husband and he loved me for me! He has always loved me thru thick 270-at height of pregnancy to thin 175. It matters not to him how I look...HOWEVER it matters to me~! I've lost 30 lbs on Atkins and I feel 150% better! I no longer have to worry about things in my closet not fitting, not being able to walk up stairs without falling over dead. I want to lose more weight but with the weight I'm gaining added SELF ESTEEM! That is the most important thing. I don't have to lose this weight for my husband, he loves me just the way I am. I have to lose this extra weight for me.


Hang tough little lady..with losing weight (for yourself) comes added self esteem and added self love. Give yourself time and you will find that special someone who will too love you for you. You can do it one pound at a time!

hi,

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. You will get through this. You have to remember that it's his loss, not yours. YOu've taken a huge step in coming here to change your WOL and that's great just in itself. I just hope that you do it for you and not for anyone else. Good luck,keep your head up

Danyele