One thing I really want to do is to go swimming. The thought of being seen in public in a swim suit, though, makes me nervous. I've been waiting until I got to a more acceptable size before getting a suit and going to the pool or beach.

Well, I've begun to realize it's not going to happen. I'm fat for life. So, I asked my mom to get me swimming lessons for my Christmas gift. The class starts on January 21, and the more I think about it the more nervous I get.

I hope to learn a basic stroke or two and swim daily. My goals are improved physical condition and a meditative "mindfulness" like activity. (Should I write Thich Nhat Hanh and suggest "mindful swimming"?)

I've been shopping online for a swim suit. I'm becoming increasingly nervous - to the point I'm about to chicken out.

Honestly I feel this way about all forms of exercise (with the added stress of being in public in a swim suit). I'm never more aware of how fat I am than when I'm doing something physical - particularly formal exercise and particularly when other people can see me. I imagine they think I'm trying to lose weight by exercising - which I'm not. I know that sounds silly, but I've found that exercise doesn't help me lose weight. I just want the other benefits of exercise, including just being comfortable in my body.

I know this all sounds silly. Please don't tell me I'm being ridiculous or to ignore the judgments of other people (or what I imagine is their judgment). I know there are bigger women than me at the pool, and I envy them their ease and comfort with themselves. Hopefully I'll be comfortable that way too some day - if I can just make myself get out there and try.

I guess I just want some empathy and a bit of cheerleading.

Have you looked at Junonia for swim suits? They have a couple that I covet, and wish I could afford, because I want to go swimming sooooooo much.

You don't have to be ashamed of feeling nervous or scared about going into public. But, imo, you should think of a couple things when you do feel that fear: (1) If you're like me and many others here, you've been eyeballed/stared at and maybe even commented/jeered at before, and it hurts (or rolls off you, depending) and you felt the pain/anger and then moved on and continued with your life. You are able to do that again. You are able to handle it. And (2) so what if you're afraid/nervous? The presence of that feeling doesn't have to mean anything besides that you're afraid/nervous. Period. It doesn't mean you'll always be uncomfortable, it doesn't mean you'll never have fun, it doesn't mean a darn thing besides it's an unknown situation that makes you nervous for various reasons and that's scary.

My SO got me a couple books last summer, which I'm finally getting around to working through. One is called "Feel the Fear...And Do It Anyway." It's a cheap paperback, probably tons available used on Amazon, and I highly recommend it for helping deal with this kind of nervousness. It has helped me a great deal, with my own shizaam.

And as to those ladies bigger than you, whose "ease and comfort with themselves" you envy----have you talked to them? If not, you don't know what they felt going to the pool for the first time, wearing a swim suit and exercising, and you don't know what they feel right now when they go or when they're there. Do you know from their words that they are easy and comfortable with themselves? If so, she's a rare obese woman who is, then! lol Or do they appear easy and comfortable? Maybe they've been going for a while, and are, but weren't to begin with.

I think it's wonderful that you want to swim, and have the opportunity to learn and go for it. I think it's even more admirable that you're facing wanting to do it while feeling this discomfort, because that discomfort has prevented me from doing so many things (including swimming now, although the cost of the suits I'm willing to wear is prohibitive for me right now, also). If you're taking beginning swimming lessons, trust me, most people there will be way more concerned about themselves than you (not to be rude or anything, it's just that's the way it usually is)---how they look in *their* swimsuits, whether anyone will think it's "weird" for an X-year-old to be taking swimming lessons, moving in a new way in public, etc., etc. It's kind of like the first day of school---everyone's nervous! And you go and you learn and you deal with anything that happens, fun and not-so-fun alike.

Trust yourself. You can handle it, whatever "it" is.

Wow LaZigeuner, you said exactly what I was thinking.
Junonia for the swimsuit.

I have gone swimming at a motel pool and at a junior college pool while still very fat. It is only awkward for a moment or two really. I like a coverup right until I get into the water, and then I'm in the water and don't feel so much a visible target and by then, it feels so great!! Especially and don't laugh, I float easily and it makes me feel safe from drowning.

I should say that the junior college pool I went to, is on a campus devoted to health care and fitness studies. So there are lots of both fat nurses and thin young people who want to be PTs and things, and there was nothing but positives for movement for whatever reason. My fears that it would be full of that pickup truck full of jeering kids, were unfounded.

On the other hand, the absolute worst I ever experienced was at a local pool that was home to the fitness-beautiful-wannabe crowd. And a woman told me she had never seen anyone so fat! I experienced it as a slap and putdown of me at the time - I was younger and not so jaded - but now I would just know, there is a woman in a very bad place who is so afraid of fat she has to do personal attacks on others. Not about me. But there is a risk of that when you're in public and around who knows what kind of people. But if you are prepared for it and can think, oh well, there are 10 positive people for every one of those, it helps i think.

I did laugh, because I have been there! I didn't worry about drowning, but the last time I went swimming (about 10 years ago), a couple of my friends and I were playing diving for the penny. I could NOT, no matter how hard I tried, reach the bottom of the pool! My fat would buoy me back up after each stroke moved me down a bit. Man, it was funny. I felt like I had a life jacket on, I was floating so high in the water when I treaded water. That is a really happy memory, because of laughing and having fun! Never did get that penny, though (we blamed my friend who was part fish for always getting it, instead of my low-density body composition that hindered me!). (the other friend didn't like getting her hair underwater, in spite of the swim cap, so really had no chance at the penny unless it landed near her on the edge of the pool)

I wear this shirt to swim in.....http://www.landsend.com/pp/ShortSle...t&origin=search

Since it's a men's, it has no bra, but I just wear a bra under it. I use a pair of swim shorts from the same place.

I've gone to the pool at my highest weight. I certainly didn't feel good or comfortable, but I went anyway, and going is 90% of the battle. Once you're there, all you can do is swim!

Good luck.

Thanks all. I appreciate the advice and the morale boosts.

I had a look at the junonia website. Too expensive for me. I did order two suits from another website. I hope they're reasonably attractive. There's still time to return them and try again if they're not.

I checked the parks and rec catalog again and realized I'd signed up for an intermediate level class. It met for 4 Saturdays which was good for me. Had to switch to a beginners class which meets on 8 weekday evenings over 4 weeks - which isn't as good. More classes and the hassle of getting to an evening class after work. Ah, well.

There's a pool at the university where I work which is available for use by employees over the noon hour. I'm hoping eventually to make use of that nearly daily. I don't know how many people swim there, but I imagine not too many. I hope. And given that they'll be my coworkers, they're unlikely to openly jeer at me.

You're right about the fat ladies I've seen at the pool. They may not be as comfortable and at ease as I imagine. I suppose the fact that they're willing to get out there in a swimsuit at all makes me believe they're comfortable.

I've been to the community center to use the treadmill twice recently. Not nearly the threat that the pool is but still hard. I just want to condition my cardiovascular system, but I imagine everyone thinks I'm there "burning calories." I used to go quite regularly, and I actually had people talk to me about that several times - exercise for weight loss. I saw one man there regularly who seemed to be some kind of coach or something to a younger man who was killing himself on the treadmill. I mean that kid looked miserable, he was driving himself so hard. One day the older man approached me and explained that he was helping the kid lose weight. He told how much the kid used to weigh and how much he'd lost. I had the feeling he wanted me to hire him as a personal trainer. It irritated the hell out of me. It I want to try and starve myself while simultaneously forcing myself to exercise too hard, I don't need some old fool to tell me how. I've tried that approach - several times. Doesn't work and it makes me hate exercise because my body isn't properly fueled for the effort. This time I want to enjoy it.

morning!
may i make a suggestion?
go to the thrift stores or Target.. whichever and get yourself some board shorts...
wear them with a tank top and you'll be fine!
most board shorts these days hit just above the knees...
i have some that hit the thigh.
i wear them in and out of the water.
and i love it because my crotch is clothed!

Thanks, Casey. I wish I already knew how to swim. Not that I'm afraid of water or can't get around easily enough with my little doggie paddle. But I don't know how to do it the "right" way, you know. And I have a wonky shoulder from years of computer/keyboard use. I'm not even sure I have full range of motion there. So I'm afraid I'll be awkward and graceless in addition to fat. If you're awkward and graceless when you're thin that's one thing. But if you're fat, it seems like everything gets blamed on the weight.

That's a good idea. I'll see what I can find. I'm not sure what board shorts are, though.

Ok, I looked up board shorts on wikipedia. They're the kind of swimsuit my sons wearing. I'm worried I'd feel even more self-conscious in them. My sons are slim; they look good in things like that. I'm big; there'd be a lot more cloth on board shorts that would fit me. It's worth trying some on, though, to see how they look.

And I don't think a tank top would be a good idea. I have large, heavy breasts that need support. A bra under a shirt as Casey suggested is a possibility, but not a tank top, I don't think.

Yeah. I thought about the floating thing.

I was thinking the coverup to the last minute was a good idea too. And they close the pool to the public during the class sessions, so there will be fewer people there. I took one of their classes about 10 years ago. There were only about 3 people in the adult class. And all the other classes were very young children. I was much thinner then, so I didn't have the same level of vigilance I have now.

I think after the first class I'll be more comfortable, because I'll know what to expect and the lay of the land.

And thanks for the 'it feels so great!' comment. That's what I'm hoping for - once I get past the self-consciousness of being fat in a swimsuit and not knowing how to swim properly.

I'll make that my motto.



I pictured myself walking up to random fat ladies in swimsuits and asking them if they're comfortable walking around in a state of undress in public.

About "state of undress": Even back when I was very thin I was a very modest person. This fat thing as simply added incredible self-consciousness to my natural modesty.

I think its such a good idea to learn how to swim!

As for the swimsuits, did you see the unitard swim suits at Junonia yet? They are a bit pricey but I think that you may like the way they look and fit your body.

If we knew how seldom people thought of us we wouldn't worry so much about what they thought of us. Get over it and go go enjoy yourself. I am a fat stroke survivor and can only doggy paddle but I love every minute in the water. I remember very clearly being slimmer and looking pretty good and being able to swim much better but I don't remember being any happier. If you are a big person the people around you know that no matter what you wear. Don't let your pride ruin your life.
be well
Art

at my heaviest, i wore a sport bra, under a tank top (wife beater) and board shorts.

i have seen board shorts of all shapes and sizes at the thrift store.
i used to buy up all the ones in my son's size because he always left them at friends house....

it wouldn't hurt to look.
and i understand price/expense.
i pay a lot of homage to thrift stores.