TOM came yesterday. So I HOPE that that goes at least SOME way towards explaining, why my loss has been so minimal over the last 11 days of exercising so much and being so well on plan.
I didn't make it to the gym class this morning. I wasn't being lazy - I could really
feel that I needed to stay in bed. I will still go in later, and I guess just do something on my own today maybe. Maybe only half an hour even. Because I want to have energy during the week to do it it 100%. And if I go today, it will still be my 11th consecutive day of going.
There IS a class that I could still make in an hour... but it is SO killer...I don't know if I can do it today. Or is that just my old bad habits rearing their ugly heads already??
250.0 lbs
ETA: I went. Just for 1hr.
60 min Legs, Bums, and Tums class - HARD!
I know I won't be losing any weight from doing a 1hr exercise class a day... but at least I am doing it. And at least it makes me see how DISGUSTING I am, in the wall to wall, floor to ceiling, all the way around the room, mirrors.
No, I am not just being down on myself. I look DISGUSTING. Like, I think the instructor is too grossed out to even look at me. And my legs are the size of AN ENTIRE PERSON'S BODY.
Each. And no, I am not exaggerating. My own waist and torso used to be less than even ONE of my legs now.
I guess this is the first time I've really SEEN myself, huffing and puffing, and disgusting, and unable to even lift my own body weight off the ground.
Yes, can you tell? Going to the gym is doing WONDERS for my morale.
I guess the problem is that, being so tall... I was always under the (very mistaken) idea that I could "get away with it" a little bit better.
I mean... srsly????
What was I even thinking??? Just that if I wear black, and clothes in the right size that fit, that no one would
know?? Or have
eyeballs?
Sorry if people think I am just being too hard on myself, too late.
But I am just really, really
ashamed.
Of me.
To see myself.
Of what I have become.
And the absolute terror, that it will never change back again.
I have been at this weight or higher, for every day of the last TWO YEARS. And only at this weight bouncing around ONCE, last January,... and now for the last 6 weeks.
I don't think I'm overeating. And yes, I have had pork rinds twice this week.... but in general... I have NOT been getting it wrong, or eating like the MONSTER pig, that I look like I must be.
Sorry if anyone reads this. I just need to post how I feel sometimes. I can't really just keep it ALL in.
Tomorrow I am also only going to one single class. Apart from Bellydance. That doesn't count.... it is NOT an exercise class. Then from Tues - Sat, it will be back to 2 classes a day, not one.
I can't face the gym anymore. Classes from now on out, it is.