Finally I answered them
Why do I want to lose weight? I want to lose weight, because I am not happy with myself about the weight I have gained. I look at pictures of myself, when I was younger and much thinner, and want to look like that again. I don’t feel like “this” is who I am, or meant to be.I want to be healthier. I want to be able to reach over and tie my shoes or pick up something without being winded. I want to be able to do more with my kids, and my husband, not have my weight be a deterrent to it. I want to see the me that is under “all the protection, all the cushion of fat.”
What am I DOING to lose weight?
1.I am working on eating healthier for me. I have been on a low carb diet since Sept. 20th, almost 6.5 wks. now.
2.I am working hard on not eating in response to stress/emotions, whatever they may be. I have been writing in a journal if I feel the need to vent, sometimes I put that journal online, others—I don’t. I also use other alternatives besides writing to deal with emotional/stress eating/overeating.
3.I am drinking more water, a personal goal of a gallon a day.
4.I am thinking more positive about losing weight, not being negative and thinking I will never be small again. Using affirmations and mini-meditation to my benefit, not only in weight loss, but other areas of my life as well.’
5.I have made it a point to have LC foods, that I enjoy, so that when hubby & the kids have “treats”, I can have something that I like to eat as well.
6.I am gauging my success by measuring myself every 7-10 days.
7.I am being more aware of changes of my body. This involves knowing what I look like without clothes on… if I don’t know what I looked like before, then how would I gauge my body changing?
What am I NOT DOING to lose weight?
1.I am not yet involved in a regular exercise routine. I have such a busy day sometimes, with the kids and family, that I am always pushing off the exercising.
2.All my clothing are “expandable”. We do not simply have the $ to get me a whole new wardrobe for each size I am, so I have to make do with what I have. When I do get to the size, where my jeans and regular clothes fit me though, I am going to have a cause for celebration!
Pinpoint 10 patterns of living that you have accepted without question.
1.I have to be big to be strong, a fallacy, look at how strong the ant is, in contrast to its size!
2.I have to have a “cushion, an insulation against the world, and the hurts that I have been through in my life.
3.I am “who they say I am”. I have the right to be who I am, without any interference from anyone. I should not let anyone else’s opinions of me matter, or decide who I am. If those people have personal issues about their own self-identity and self-worth, then that should not be a license to put others down so that they can feel “better”. This is bullying in one of it’s worst forms!
4. I am not going to let the abuse that I went through determine who I am. I am not a piece of crap, or someone’s plaything for their personal amusement. I have self-worth, and what you done to me, does NOT make me a bad person, it says something about the abusers.
5. I will never be smaller again. It is ok to be smaller, it is ok to be at a healthy weight.
6.I will never be beautiful again. Gee… this means I must have thought of myself as beautiful at one time in my life or another J It is of course, in retrospect that I can see how beautiful I actually was then.
7.I cannot be small/thin again, because I cannot handle all the attention that comes with it, from either sex.
8.Being fat makes me invisible.
9.Being fat means I don’t matter, and I am lazy and disgusting.
10. Being fat is “in my genes”, and it is my “destiny”.
Whew… this was certainly not the easiest thing to do for me… I had these questions presented to me some time ago, and I never answered them… rehearsing answers in my head as to what I wasn’t doing, as I hadn’t made lifestyle changes like I have now, and am still doing. Kat and Sherry started this thread, and I told myself that I would answer them…. Yet I put it off… perhaps I did not want to know all of what the answers would be… but then again… looking at those answers… might be somewhat beneficial to my losing… especially the part where I am worth losing the weight… and I am beautiful now… even with all my weight. I tell ppl to look at the inside… not judge by outside appearances… yet for how long have I judged my outside? How long have I avoided truly taking inventory of what I looked like, besides just passing glances in a reflecting store window, or walking past a mirror. It is and was a harsh reality to realize just how big I had gotten, how out of control my body was from me… it is time to take back control. It is time to peel back the pounds,… slowly… as I am sure it is not always going to be easy. It was so much easier to stuff my feelings and emotions and stress down, than to admit them to myself. Food is legal… food is something you can get most anywhere… yet it can be every bit as much as a drug, as an escape as marijuana, cocaine,alcohol… it is something that can get out of hand… mostly going from hand to mouth (hehehhe pun intended there btw)… This is about connecting… this is about my authentic self… this is about not hiding anymore, and it is about letting go of the misbeliefs, and lies, and patterns that led me to be so heavy… morbidly obese… morbidly obese, my weight an actual death sentence so to speak… And I want to LIVE!!! I am to a place in my life where I want to live, I want to enjoy life, I want to go on… I have hurt for so long, I have suffered so long about what others have done to me… and some of it, even in the name of love, they thought they were helping me… they thought what they was doing was right… but they never listened to me… they didn’t hear my voice…. They ignored my cries… made fun of me… so I turned it all inward… and I was, as the song by Tori Amos says…”Sometimes, I said sometimes I hear my voice and its been HERE silent all these years…. Years go by will I still be waiting for someone else to understand..years go by will I choke on my tears til finally there is nothing left one more casuality…” I have to realize that perhaps no one is going to ever understand… hell it is hard enough for me to understand myself,… how could I possibly think that it is something that someone else could do… I guess what I am saying, is I have had a voice all this time… all those years I stuffed down life with food… the emotions, the pains,the angers, the joys… all pushed down so I wouldn’t feel them… and now it is time for an awakening… a time for an epiphany… and I welcome it… I am glad it’s time….
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