I had written a very long response to a poll similar to this and it got wiped off for some reason. So I figure re-writing it will carve it into my thick head!

WHY DO I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT?

Lugging around all this weight worries me, not to mention embarrasses me. I want my little girl to be proud of me, not ever ashamed not that she ever would be, but getting a handle on this perimenapausal weight now will prevent me from getting bigger. We may start to socialize more with my husband's new job and Iwant to enjoy that as apposed to dreading it. I know I must lose weight me MYSELF not others.....so for me and me alone, losing weight would help me to feel freer and not have to worry about how I look all the time. Carbs bloat me and them are the facts. I am probably not digesting them properly at this age (44) and should just stay away.....and finally I am not at a huge size yet that I would really be ashamed to work out....I am still strong and somewhat in shape that I can keep up with (some of) the woman in the step classes I take. I love working out and enjoy exercise and look forward to feeling really really fit and maybe some day I can be an inspiration.

WHAT AM I DOING /NOT DOING TO LOSE WEIGHT

(1) I am currently exercising every day .....I am taking yoga ....I think this is KEY for me. The lack of appetite I experience after exercise is amazing and I must keep this up. I must MAKE IT A PRIORITY IN MY LIFE.

(2) i AM on a roll.......gosh I am so all or nothing.....either I put 120 percent in to it or nothing at all. I wish I could find balance in that way. Hopefully I can stay on this roll until I see real results and stay with it for over 6 weeks and then it will become a habit. That means by October 1st this should be a habit. This will be my goal to stay in this frame of mind till 10/1/03!!!

(3) I'm not controling portion size but then I am so hungry after a big workout...........I can try to think about portion size when I eat...this may be my biggest prob.

(4)

GET REAL.....Why I want to lose weight

1. So I can feel free and not have the constant need to "cover up" or hide my body! Too replace Shame with Pride

2. So I can be free of worry that I am not doing everything I can to be healthy and live a long, happy, fit life for me and my kids and dh.

3. So I can set a good example for my dear dear daughter.

4. So I can have more energy.

5. So I can look at myself in the mirror and know I am the best I can be right now.

6. So I can perform Yoga and my exercise classes with more ease and ability.

7. So I won't have to ever turn down a social invitation for fear of looking too fat this month.

8. To keep up with my husband's fitness level.

9. So I can dress cool in the summer months without a thinking about what I look like.

10. So I can be a mom that my kids would be proud of.

11. So I can grow old gracefully.

12. So when I get muscles they will show and I will be an inspiration to all. Being over the hill and still havin it.

13. So I can part with these extra 50 lbs. I've been carrying for 6+ years now since my pregnancy. It's okay ...it's time to let them go...being thin is good and I don't have to worry about being taken advantage of or anyone bullying me .....now I am in charge ...and it is safe to be thin......be thin...

Interesting thread.

I noticed the question originally asked was, "why do you want to lose weight?" In my case, most of the excess weight is gone, but the question would be, "what DO you want?" What I want is to feel good and be back to as normal as possible, before poor glucose tolerance crept up on me. I want to avoid, or at least postpone as long as possible, issues like weight gain, diabetes, etc. I want my bizarre hormonal fluctuations to stop.

>"Pinpoint ten patterns of living..."

1. Contrary to previous belief, I do NOT hate vegetables. They're good - they were just missing *real* butter and salad dressing.
2. Cooking is enjoyable and a nice way to wind down; it's not a chore.
3. To quote Dr Atkins, <b>Exercise is non-negotiable.</b> What is actually sinking in with me is that it's not something that's done to make up for a binge - it has to be as habitual as all the other things you do daily to keep yourself healthy.
4. My body and its metabolic system has been irreversably damaged - or at least that's how I have to treat the situation. This is a matter of being well along the road to diabetes, not just a diet to drop a few pounds.
5. A corollary of 4 - Yes, that (cookie, cake, etc) *will* make a difference. Impulsivity can't be an excuse.
6. When it comes to cooking for others, I'm accepting that contrary to my upbringing, food is not love. Keeping carbage out of the house does not 'deprive' anyone of anything. If my b/f wants that stuff, he's more than free to have it on his lunch hour at work or bring it home and keep it in his office.
7. Food is not entertainment. There are better ways of entertaining one's self than scarfing cheezey-poofs while staring blankly at the television screen.
8. I now plan ahead and cook ahead wherever possible - it's easier than it sounds.
9. I'm slowly learning to assert myself when it comes to my dietary needs. I don't have to apologize or explain my health history to everyone who thinks my food choices are odd. I've also learned that they generally don't *care* and have heard stranger things before.

I'll probably think of more later.

Why do I want to lose weight? I want to lose weight, because I am not happy with myself about the weight I have gained. I look at pictures of myself, when I was younger and much thinner, and want to look like that again. I don’t feel like “this” is who I am, or meant to be.I want to be healthier. I want to be able to reach over and tie my shoes or pick up something without being winded. I want to be able to do more with my kids, and my husband, not have my weight be a deterrent to it. I want to see the me that is under “all the protection, all the cushion of fat.”
What am I DOING to lose weight?
1.I am working on eating healthier for me. I have been on a low carb diet since Sept. 20th, almost 6.5 wks. now.
2.I am working hard on not eating in response to stress/emotions, whatever they may be. I have been writing in a journal if I feel the need to vent, sometimes I put that journal online, others—I don’t. I also use other alternatives besides writing to deal with emotional/stress eating/overeating.
3.I am drinking more water, a personal goal of a gallon a day.
4.I am thinking more positive about losing weight, not being negative and thinking I will never be small again. Using affirmations and mini-meditation to my benefit, not only in weight loss, but other areas of my life as well.’
5.I have made it a point to have LC foods, that I enjoy, so that when hubby & the kids have “treats”, I can have something that I like to eat as well.
6.I am gauging my success by measuring myself every 7-10 days.
7.I am being more aware of changes of my body. This involves knowing what I look like without clothes on… if I don’t know what I looked like before, then how would I gauge my body changing?
What am I NOT DOING to lose weight?
1.I am not yet involved in a regular exercise routine. I have such a busy day sometimes, with the kids and family, that I am always pushing off the exercising.
2.All my clothing are “expandable”. We do not simply have the $ to get me a whole new wardrobe for each size I am, so I have to make do with what I have. When I do get to the size, where my jeans and regular clothes fit me though, I am going to have a cause for celebration!
Pinpoint 10 patterns of living that you have accepted without question.
1.I have to be big to be strong, a fallacy, look at how strong the ant is, in contrast to its size!
2.I have to have a “cushion, an insulation against the world, and the hurts that I have been through in my life.
3.I am “who they say I am”. I have the right to be who I am, without any interference from anyone. I should not let anyone else’s opinions of me matter, or decide who I am. If those people have personal issues about their own self-identity and self-worth, then that should not be a license to put others down so that they can feel “better”. This is bullying in one of it’s worst forms!
4. I am not going to let the abuse that I went through determine who I am. I am not a piece of crap, or someone’s plaything for their personal amusement. I have self-worth, and what you done to me, does NOT make me a bad person, it says something about the abusers.
5. I will never be smaller again. It is ok to be smaller, it is ok to be at a healthy weight.
6.I will never be beautiful again. Gee… this means I must have thought of myself as beautiful at one time in my life or another J It is of course, in retrospect that I can see how beautiful I actually was then.
7.I cannot be small/thin again, because I cannot handle all the attention that comes with it, from either sex.
8.Being fat makes me invisible.
9.Being fat means I don’t matter, and I am lazy and disgusting.
10. Being fat is “in my genes”, and it is my “destiny”.
Whew… this was certainly not the easiest thing to do for me… I had these questions presented to me some time ago, and I never answered them… rehearsing answers in my head as to what I wasn’t doing, as I hadn’t made lifestyle changes like I have now, and am still doing. Kat and Sherry started this thread, and I told myself that I would answer them…. Yet I put it off… perhaps I did not want to know all of what the answers would be… but then again… looking at those answers… might be somewhat beneficial to my losing… especially the part where I am worth losing the weight… and I am beautiful now… even with all my weight. I tell ppl to look at the inside… not judge by outside appearances… yet for how long have I judged my outside? How long have I avoided truly taking inventory of what I looked like, besides just passing glances in a reflecting store window, or walking past a mirror. It is and was a harsh reality to realize just how big I had gotten, how out of control my body was from me… it is time to take back control. It is time to peel back the pounds,… slowly… as I am sure it is not always going to be easy. It was so much easier to stuff my feelings and emotions and stress down, than to admit them to myself. Food is legal… food is something you can get most anywhere… yet it can be every bit as much as a drug, as an escape as marijuana, cocaine,alcohol… it is something that can get out of hand… mostly going from hand to mouth (hehehhe pun intended there btw)… This is about connecting… this is about my authentic self… this is about not hiding anymore, and it is about letting go of the misbeliefs, and lies, and patterns that led me to be so heavy… morbidly obese… morbidly obese, my weight an actual death sentence so to speak… And I want to LIVE!!! I am to a place in my life where I want to live, I want to enjoy life, I want to go on… I have hurt for so long, I have suffered so long about what others have done to me… and some of it, even in the name of love, they thought they were helping me… they thought what they was doing was right… but they never listened to me… they didn’t hear my voice…. They ignored my cries… made fun of me… so I turned it all inward… and I was, as the song by Tori Amos says…”Sometimes, I said sometimes I hear my voice and its been HERE silent all these years…. Years go by will I still be waiting for someone else to understand..years go by will I choke on my tears til finally there is nothing left one more casuality…” I have to realize that perhaps no one is going to ever understand… hell it is hard enough for me to understand myself,… how could I possibly think that it is something that someone else could do… I guess what I am saying, is I have had a voice all this time… all those years I stuffed down life with food… the emotions, the pains,the angers, the joys… all pushed down so I wouldn’t feel them… and now it is time for an awakening… a time for an epiphany… and I welcome it… I am glad it’s time….

Hey girls that was great! Anyone interested in replying to week one still feel free, but for the rest of us here is the question for week 2


WEEK 2: YOU CREATE YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE

Remember the ten patterns of living that you listed last week? It's time to be accountable for your own actions. What new behaviors do you need to start in order to lose weight? Which old behaviors will you stop? No more excuses -- what will you change today? (from Dr. Phil's website)

New behaviors I want to start (and have been starting already).

1) Making sure that I eat breakfast. Something in my tummy before I go to work. I still need to work on making sure that I eat often enough that I don't get ravenously hungry and out of control. That was my downfall on Friday. Because of lack of proper planning I had no time for lunch and when I finally got the opportunity to eat, the place I was at had NO low carb food that I could eat. So being ravenous I ate what I could get. So I need to start planning things better, and I need to stop allowing too much time to go by between meals. Doing so makes it too easy to justify getting out of control.

2) I have certain foods that I love. One thing in particular lately has me addicted. These are chocolate caramel "Treasures". There is something wonderful about them, and although I know I should give them up and never eat one again, I just don't want to do that to myself. Instead I need to get control of how MANY I allow myself. If I cannot control the quantity then I need to stop buying them altogether. I'm sure that one per day would NOT mess up my diet too much. Problem is "betcha can't eat just one". And I can't seem to.

Therefore I have to come to grips with my addiction and decide if it is worth it to continue enjoying them at all, and if and when I do decide that it is, I need to know in advance what and how many I will allow. Here again planning comes in. But more than that. I need to get rid of the "all or nothing" attitude.

It IS ok for something to be in the house that will tempt me. It develops my character to be able to SEE the thing there and still resist it. I need to get rid of the attitude that if it is there I won't have the strength to resist once I get back on track. Maybe I won't, but more than likely if I really WANT to stay on track I will be able to. And even if I don't, it is far better to have one or two tomorrow than to scarf the whole bag today.

So NO more of the "eat them all up so they won't be here tempting me when I get back on track" attitude. Resisting goodies BUILDS character and strength.

3) One habit I have gotten into lately is spending too much time on the computer talking to my good friends here. This pastime is great for "support" but I must remember my primary GOAL, and that means that I MUST stop typing by 8:30 or 8:45 in order to have the time in the mornings to do my workouts. PARTICULARLY I have been skipping aerobics sessions. I LOVE lifting weights, and I don't miss those opportunities, but you burn fat by doing the cardio and I have been skipping too many cardio sessions. AGAIN it comes down to planning.

Another habit along the line of this is that I want to get into the habit of having more time to keep my house clean and organized. Too much computer time interferes with that. If I feel organized, well planned and have my mental state in a solidly thought out organized thought patterns, I will have a much more reasonable and easier time sticking to and working my plan.

4) I need to develop some interests that keep me more active. Boredom and inactivity are reasons to cheat, or to not lose due to too little metabolic activity.

I need to take some time, think it out and then decide what I want to do with some of my time off (other than sit and type). As I am becoming slimmer there are more avenues open to me for fun active things I can do. I bought rollar blades, and planned to start, but now the time change means it is dark when I get off work, so maybe that isn't the best thing. On the other hand I used to love to ice skate. Maybe I should start taking one evening a week to do that again?

5) Perhaps I need to seek a different job? Something I have considered, but not yet done. I do need to do something, perhaps get a different hobby, something to keep my mind occupied. Something I can do when I have very little time. Something fun that will keep me more interested in what I am doing than in eating.

6) I need to make a schedule. Plan certain things out for the week in advance of the week's beginning. Organization is NOT my strong suit, but planning is key to doing the things I want to accomplish.

I already know my excercise schedule. It is part of BFL, cardio three days a week, lifting three days. Very easy because I know in advance what I'm going to do. Eating isn't so well planned, having groceries in the house or the bills paid on time isn't so well planned. I need to start taking charge of my time, planning things more effectively, keeping my house clean and organized, my mind, my finances etc more organized.

One thing I am thinking about doing is to refinance my house and build an addition on the back. In the process of this I am going to try and create some storage spaces that my house currently does not have. Places to put things away.

But the question is what am I going to do today? I'm going to finish this and get off the computer and spend some time planning out the rest of the week. Plan time to go to the grocery store (because we currently don't have any low carb food in the house). I was out of town over the weekend and I had a great time, but of course my regularly planned activities went on hold.

7) I'm going to begin to make EVERY day count. EVERY day, every meal contributes to my success or failure on this diet. I cannot allow weeks to go by wherein I tell myself "I will start tomorrow". THIS meal is when I should start. If I get off track, then the very next meal is when I should be aiming to get back ON track.

8) I weigh every day. I allow the scale to discorage me sometimes. I am NOT going to stop weighing. I know I have been advised to do that many times by well meaning people, but I cannot avoid the scale What I can avoid is allowing it to matter too much. I am growing muscle, I am losing fat, I am going to begin to celebrate that progress and not worry too much about my weight.

9)I will celebrate my progress. I took Before pictures at the beginning of September. I am going to take "After" pictures in two weeks. I'm going to actively search for BEFORE BEFORE pictures of me when I looked so bad, and I am going to post photos of myself and my running progress on my bedroom wall. By doing so I can SEE how far I've some and begin to realize that I AM making my goals into a reality. I intend to continue doing 12 week challenges (even after BFL is over). I like the start and end aspect of it. It is great to look back and see how far you have come.

During a large part of the BFL thing, I have wondered if I indeed WAS making any progress at all, but doing 12 weeks at a time, you have to see SOME progress and when you do, you can't help but realize that you ARE getting there. Just looking in the mirror this moring I was shocked and delightfully surprised to realize that was ME I was looking at. YES there are some changes and they are HAPPENING to ME. I need that positive reinforcement, but I also need a point to compare with. the Before and AFter idea is really a great way to make that happen for me.

10) this is really important to me. I have seen so many people who have been like blazing comets streaking across the sky in their weight loss. They are WONDERFUL to behold. But I am not like that. I'm like the sun that comes up every morning. My progress may be slow and some days unnoticable, but like rock being worn away by water, I am making progress. I must stop comparing myself to other people. Yes I can learn from them, but I cannot be them. I can try and follow good examples, but I am ME, not them. So if I fail, I must be happy with myself anyway, not beat myself up if I cannot be someone else or do things their way. I must be happy for the progress I am making on my own, not be sad because I don't lose as quickly as Kim or Kat.

Funny thing about Kim. I have watched her go from 260 to 184, in a mere 4 months. I've envied her. while my losses have been next to nothing weight wise during that time. But guess what? She and I are wearing the same size even if I am 40 pounds heavier. Perhaps I have more muscle than her. The point is I MUST celebrate MY progress, not feel discouraged because I don't have hers.

11) I need to realize that I am a carb addict. I love certain foods, and I am not at the point in my life where I can totally eliminate all carb foods. I simply don't want to live that way all the time. Therefore I need to find balance. If I choose to eat something with carbs in it today, I need to limit the amount. I need to give up on the totally out of control binges, and learn to deal with my life in a more moderate way. Carbs are not "evil" allowing them to get out of control will undo any progress I have made, so I need to learn balance and control.

More than that I need to keep excercising. keep my muscles strong and supple. I need to keep my metabolism reved up, and accept that my cycles will cause good and bad days. I'm NOT a failure because I fail. I'm only a failure if I give up. The most successful people in the world have failed more times than they have succeeded, but the difference between them and "failures" is that when they fail they start again. THAT is who I am. I will perservere. I WILL make my goal. I may fail again and again, but I WILL ultimately succeed, because I refuse to give up.

What new behaviours? Excercise. Diet consistancy. Keeping a positive attitude even when I don't see the progress, keeping confidence that I am MAKING progress.

Old behaviours? losing the "all or nothing' attitude. losing the old disorganized unplanned life. losing the sit on my butt too much get bored and don't stay active or interested in life laziness.

No more excuses, I will take charge of my life and make what I want to happen for ME! Today I'm going to start planning, I'm going to start refusing to allow boredom. I'm going to start making sure that I have something that keeps me interested and that the "delights" of my life are enough that I don't have to rely on food to feel "delighted".

Remember the ten patterns of living that you listed last week? It's time to be accountable for your own actions. What new behaviors do you need to start in order to lose weight? Which old behaviors will you stop? No more excuses -- what will you change today"

No more EXCUSES??Really??? Gee, that's half my fun in life! Whew, that's gonna be tough.

Last week, in question #1, I addressed all the changes I have already made, but I am not totally off the hook on this one.

The big one right now is: procrastination and excuses for not doing my daily exercise. I even re-worked my weekly work out schedule to best fit my lifestyle, and added in a "Scheduled Day Off" to kick back....but....here I sit, and it is 5:50 PM here, and I still have not done my cardio, that I vowed to do before breakfast! Now I really will have to do it, since I "published".

So THAT is what I will change for today. Otherwise, I am doing well.

Oh yeah, also, hard to admit, but I need to clean up my act in the forums and stop giving so much well-meaning "advice"..doing this has caused TROUBLE, and is crazy-making to me, and will stop NOW (I hope) I already made this vow in my journal, likewise about the exercise, and have buddies that care enough about me to keep me to it if I slack off.

Other future trouble spots include the Holidays, and all the excuses I could potentially come up with for cheating on "just that one day" Ha ha ha ha ha- Yeah sure, and wake up around Valentine's Day with all those 86 lbs back on, and a few more besides! Maybe others can do that- not Lil Ol' Carb Addict Me!

Some of the better excuses include "Why ruin everyone else's day?" Oh that's a good one! That makes me self-sacrificing and noble if I pig-out! That's wonderful! Only problem with that is that no one else will really notice that I am dieting, unless I make a big deal about it- they will be too busy stuffing their OWN faces!

Here's another good one I have used a lot: "I have EARNED this day- it's my reward!" No no no, little girl- I have "earned" the 124 pounds I have left to lose by acting on THAT principle!

Another old goodie is "After all, it is only ONE day; how much can it hurt?" Yeah, right again, but Pearl Harbor and September 11 were each just "one day"! The one day could be a personal disaster for me, if I can't get right back on track.......and judging from past history, I can't, and won't. Plus I will undo almost a week's worth of effort by blowing it.

I like my mind a lot- how it works, how I use logic, how I process information. I wouldn't trade brains with anyone else if I could. But I don't trust my rationality where it comes to the siren call of food.....foood........foooooood!

So I will work on a plan for the Holidays- Thanksgiving is in the bag already! There's turkey, and I am planning a "faux-tatoes" casserole with lots of cream and butter to substitute for mashed potatoes, a lemon Jello cream cheese celery and almond salad, baby green beans with mushrooms, and a low carb dessert- maybe a coffee cheese cake. That doesn't sound like suffering. If we eat with others, as I expect, I will take these items in enough quantity and looking special enough that no one will know they are "Atkin's Fodder" And to any well-meaning family who start bugging me about "what can you eat? Can you have this? Can you have that?" I will just ask them to please not embarrass me by focusing on my diet- if said sweetly, and a little sadly, with a touch of pathos to the acting performance, that works well, and it gets quiet for a while. I reserve the right, however, to deck anyone who starts that "Oh just a LITTLE bite- one won't hurt you"

Christmas, with all the traditional foods, is more of a problem, but I will plan a special treat meal for hubby and self. Plus, it wouldn't hurt to concentrate on what Christmas is all about, would it?

Well, that's quite a lot to work on!

Kat

I think I'm supposed to be doing part 2 here, but I already messed up b/c I already did part 2 on my other post when I was supposed to be doing the first part.

Regardless, I do have a couple more things to change.

For one thing, I have simply got to stop looking for substitutions that fuel my sugar addiction. For me, switching from hardcore chocolates to a low carb version is equivalent to an alcoholic switching from whiskey to beer. I need to limit my lowcarb treats to holidays and special occasions.

The other thing I need to change......................and this is a biggy, is that I really need to get into the mindset that I will allow NOTHING to interfere with my WOE. I know a lowfatter (eaten that way for about 15 years) who has been known to pick the meat out of spanish rice and only eats the rice part. I need to pick the rice out of spanish rice and only eat the meat part. I need to really get consistent with this. I know at first it's going to be taken as a big fat joke. (How is she eating THIS time?) That being said, if I am consistent with this, then people will come to accept that this is just the way I eat. And even if they don't, they aren't the ones who have to carry my extra poundage around.

asugar

So.. what things do I need to do to get what I want?
( or continuing doing if I have started)
1. I need to be better at journaling numbers, activties and amounts of food. I know I am eating less than when I began this, and to a point that is great. But if I start in the mode of thinking lower calorie I am not going to do myself any favours. I also have to know if perhaps I might just be eating to much of some things and not enough of others that are good for me.
2. I have to continue and further planning my meals. I know it helps a great deal if I have planned my meals and what I am doing at least a couple of days in advance. It means that even with an unplanned events such as a family get together I have taken care of eating well and am not as bothered by goodies on the higher carb end. It helps with the idea that I really don't "need" those foods to survive.
3. I have to continue journaling with the idea that my first priority is getting better. IF I know that I am doing everything that I can and that the fat is still not moving, that may not be me..but my body still may need the time to get healed from the extreme low fat high exercise dieting I did just a few years ago. I might also have done more harm with the high stress pain I have gone through in the last few years..so I need emotinal time to rest.
4. I KNOW there is a spiritual component to this that I am not taking care of. I know that I need more quiet study and prayer time with my maker. He knows what I want and He knows what I am doing to work for it. I also know that He wants me to succeed at this and is ready willing and able to assist in this journey.
5. I need to continue the excellent habit of getting up to exercise in the morning. It gives me great peaceful time to do this thing that I really need to do.
I can feel my muscles below the fat and they are coming alive
I thought of the first three months as "warm up months'. I am thinking of this next three months as laying the muscle foundation.
The next three to that will be adding to that foundation.
Then I will go from there. :-)
6: I am going to trust myself and my body. I know I am doing a great job....so it isn't that I am not doing anything wrong that the pounds are not dropping.
Its just going to take time. And I have time.
Poofie!

I have been working on a journal at home and I found these questions to be terrific, a real eye opener! So please? Are there any more questions??

We have been working on them one per week, and I was just getting ready to post question number 3 for week number 3.

I too have been finding them to be a BIG help. I think that by doing them one a week we have a chance to mull them over before answering the next set. My answers this week I'm sure are going to be the result of a different new mindset I've been working on. (I may even have to back up and answer week ONE's questions again).

Anyway here is question number 3

WEEK 3: PEOPLE DO WHAT WORKS

You're at your current weight for a reason. Being overweight must be working for you at some level. You need to identify this payoff and understand it in order to let go of it -- then you'll be able to move forward. List your payoffs and reflect on what they mean.

My answer:

Wow how well does this fit in with what I have just been posting in my journal?

Yes people do what works. What did NOT work for me was being at 282 pounds. I hated my body, I hated how I felt, I hated looking that way, I hated not being able to tie my own shoes (and still BREATHE at the same time).

282 pounds did NOT work for me. But I am learning that 220 works for me ok. I'm more comfortable, more strong, more healthy, able to be more active. I have REACHED a fitness goal. I have reached a healthy feel good point in my life. I have reached a size 16. Would I like to be a 14 or a 12 or smaller? Sure. But it isn't a burning desire like feeling good within my own skin was.

Does staying at this point seem like an option to me? Yes. Could I be happy right here? I think so.

However, I still have that desire to go on. To lose more, to become smaller to reach a fat percentage goal rather than a weight goal. I would like to be no more than 23% body fat.

If I never reach that point it won't be the end of the world.

What "payoffs" do I find for staying at the weight I am at right now?

1) Food. I can eat what I like and enjoy it.
2) I can avoid the sort of attention that becomes "annoying".
3) I can be myself, not what someone else projects onto me as to who I am.
4) When I was thinner and prettier I really liked how I looked. I was flirtateous, got a lot of attention and enjoyed it. A lot of that was a double edged sword though. People think of you (and you begin to think of yourself) as conceited and "not a very nice person". You find that you have to overcompensate and be "nice" in situations that don't call for nice, in order to not have people think badly of you or worse you start thinking badly of yourself. In some sort of crazy ways I find that I have better self esteem, more self acceptance being LESS pretty than I was.

Sheesh, am I crazy?

5) I like being by myself. I like doing the things that interest me. I don't always like other people that well, I'm more of an introvert than an extrovert, Somehow in my head being thinner means that I will have to DEAL more with other people's issues and that just doesn't interest me. They say fat people tend to become "invisible". I don't exactly want to be invisible, but I don't want to be troubled by any one else's expectations either. I don't know why I relate being thin and attractive with being more hassled, but I do.

When I was young, had a good figure and was reasonably attractive I often felt like I was being treated as the "prize" in some sort of contest that I wanted no part of.

I remember situations where certain men would say offensive things to me, thinking they were being "cute" and seemingly egged on by their friends.

One man I remember followed me out of a room to ask "are you married?" I was separated at the time, planning on a divorce, but not interested in that particular man, so I answered "Yes" (If I had been interested, I might have told the whole story).

His next response was "Do you fool around?"

What a CREEP. "NO" I said, " Not EVER?" he replied.

My interpretation to that whole exchange was "I'm interested in you for sex, nothing else." What an absolute CREEP.

One nice thing about being fat is that I don't have to DEAL with people like that. What made the exchange worse is that I think his friends were busy watching what he was doing.

6) The biggest payoff that I have just recently identified to not losing any more weight or not "trying" to lose any more is that if I give up, I don't have to keep facing that up and down rollar coaster and the accompanying feelings of failure and success.

I don't WANT to give up. I still want to be thinner, but the rollar coaster of emotion has GOT to go. It isn't working for me.

Hating myself one day and loving myself another isn't healthy. Particularly the self hatred. I must let go of that. I'm a moody person, I'm a perfectionist. I have been WAY less than perfect with my diet lately. And until recently I haven't been able to figure out why. It is like I self sabotage on a regular enough basis that any efforts I make toward losing weight continues to fail. And then I reconvince myself that I "can't" do it, and so it makes it easier to not try.

I'm sure some of the reasons I've listed here are part of the problem. The other part is not acknowledging my successes.

Like I noted in my journal this morning I have already made one BIG goal, and I am HAPPY that I finally realized it. No one can take that one big success away from me. I own it, it is MINE.

The next part of my weight loss journey however is a totally new goal. A new path that I am just starting out on. This new path is one that I have been avoiding stepping onto. Why have I avoided it? Partly for the reasons listed here. I don't want to "feel bad" about myself. How I FEEL about who I am is much more important to me than how I look.

Why do I equate being thin with being a less than "nice" person?

Maybe I have always suspected that I am a less than nice person to begin with? I grew up with a sister who was always very overweight. I felt my being thin at that time caused her pain. I think I had more boyfriends, more fun in general, and being her younger sister, I think that hurt her.

To be prefectly honest, she wasn't always that nice either. We had the normal sibling rivalrys, but somehow I always felt that at my core, I was stronger, less sensitive than she was. And I felt like the times that I tried to "hurt" her, I managed deeper hurt than she did to me.

Perhaps it is time to forgive myself? I didn't make her fat, and I didn't make myself thin. I didn't MAKE boys be attracted to me or make then unattracted to her. Maybe I've just been carrying the weight of responsiblity for things that I had no control over for way too long?

The reality of the thing is that being thin opens more doors for people. Especially when you are young. Maybe I don't want those doors open?

Maybe with the idea in my head that thin equals "mean" and fat equals "nice" just shows that I need to spend some time disproving it. I know that it isn't true on a mental level. My sister isn't necessarily a "nicer" person than I am, even if I have always felt that she is. And for most of my life I haven't been thin anyway so why does that influence me? I mean was I "less nice" when I was thin than I am fat? No not really. It was more other people's projections. Other people's tendancy toward jealousy, other people's way of using their jealousy to make accusations. "If she looks that good she can't be a very nice person, she is probably a conceited bitch".

Does that make it true? No. So why does it matter?

Self esteem is very important. Our own self concept is more important than what we or anyone sees on the outside. Am I afraid that my personality is SO very weak that I won't know who I am if I lose the weight and get down to a "hot and sexy" size?

Do I even have that to fear at this point? I'm NOT the child I was when I was dealing with all those silly issues. I'm never going to be that age again. So what is it that I fear?

Maybe it is my own sexuality I fear? Maybe I'm afraid of "exhibitionist tendancies" or that I will start to act like a less than "decent" woman?

Maybe it isn't anything that complicated. Maybe I'm just afraid to try and fail to reach that weight again. Maybe I'm afraid that what I imagine, what I remember WOULDN'T happen now that I'm older? That I would look "hot and sexy" and still not be the young pretty thing I was?

Maybe fear of failure. or of succeeding and then having people expect you to MAINTAIN that success is the problem?

The point is there is FEAR here. That word comes up again and again in my post. I remember when I started BFL. I was AFRAID to try it. I was afraid that I wouldn't continue, that I wouldn't commit to the full 12 weeks, that I would fail to follow through. Here I am in 10 weeks and I'm pretty sure I can get through the next 2, but there is still a little fear. Fear of finishing it, and finding at the end, that with all that effort it didn't accomplish for me what I wanted it to.

So what? I did it. It was a success. I FEEL great for having done it. Sometimes we just have to PUSH BEYOND FEAR.

So that is what I'm planning for my next move. I will "bite off" little chunks of time at a time. Set my goals for smaller tinier sections of time. Nothing is forever, and I don't have to think in terms of forever I can project 2 weeks into the future, and then 2 weeks after I have accomplished the first two.

I don't have to plan to weigh 130 either. I can push for 210, or 200 or whatever makes me HAPPY. I can STOP any time. Nothing is set in stone. Nothing is a "failure" I don't have to "go all the way" or feel bad about myself if I don't. Each pound lost, each 10 pounds lost is a success. Each pound regained is merely putting you back to where you were, it isn't a failure.

Anyway why be afraid of failure anyway? The most successful people in the world have failed more often than they have succeeded, but they DIDN"T GIVE UP.

Ok Dr. Phil I hope this answers the question adequately.

One payoff of being my weight is that I don't have to compete b/c I have successfully disqualified myself from any competition. I must have a defeatist attitude because frequently I'm finished with whatever long before I even get started and my weight allows me to quit.

I can always blame my shortcomings on my weight. Perhaps if I were at an ideal weight I would be forced to confront myself and I'm not sure I'd like me.

Being older, it would hurt to see myself at what I weighed in my 20s only to see that I'm not still in my 20s. I'm afraid to compete with who I used to be b/c I know I can't measure up. When I was 19 I had dieted myself down to 123 and maintained that weight except for 2 pregnancies until I was 28. I've noticed that frequently it is the really beautiful women who struggle the most with their weight, especially as they age. Elizabeth Taylor is a pretty good example. Many of the women who have posted in the forum refer to how hot they were when they were younger and thinner and I believe all of them. For some women, the looks thing just comes naturally and others have to work really hard to look beautiful. The Barbie Doll women are rarely natural beauties, but they are the ones who have very strict beauty regimes that they never slack off on. Some of us are just too lazy or not vain enough to spend every waking minute making sure our nail polish isn't chipped and that every hair is in place. The Barbie Dolls work relentlessly at being beautiful and have their beauty regimes solidly developed at a young age so that it's part of who they are and what they do. I'm afraid that if I lost weight, I would have to face the fact that I would never look as good as I once did and having never been the Barbie Doll type I never developed the self-discipline needed to spend a whole lot of effort on my appearance. I am one of the few women I know who hates going to the beauty shop b/c I don't have the patience to sit there while somebody works on me. Sometimes I can deceive myself into thinking that I've still got it, but the reality is that I'm a has been. As long as I'm fat, I feel I don't have to compete with Barbie Dolls and my younger self. There are still Barbie Dolls around in there 40s, 50s, 60s, and even 70s. Joan Collins is a example of a Barbie Doll.
Reading back over this, my reasons for being fat sound really shallow, even to me. That being said, I believe the main reason most of us want to lose weight is vanity and I just don't have the energy it takes to be vain.

I also think that more would be expected of me if I were thinner. Like Sherry posted above, I also like to keep to myself. I only like to socialize on my own terms and my weight has very effectively kept me from having to be sociable when I didn't feel like it. Now I'm starting to wonder if I really even want to lose weight. I think I would expect more from me if I were thin. I suppose that if I were at my ideal weight, I could still hop in the car in the middle of the night and throw a coat over my sweats and go grocery shopping with no make up on. I'm just going to have to convince myself that if I reach my ideal weight, that doesn't mean that I'll have to spend every waking moment working on my appearance and that I'll also still be able to socialize only on my own terms.
asugar

What do you think? These questions really PULL it out of you don't they? You start off thinking it is a simple enough question and then you have to dig really deep to answer.

You're right, Sherry, and the pulling out of ya just doesn't stop either.
asugar

In fact I have been going over yesterday's over and over and over.
I know the answers to this one... Why I have allowed myself to get to where I am.. and why it works for me.
As someone else said I was slim and pretty for a long time.
However I was an invisible sort of pretty. I think invisible has worked well for me for a long time.
I discovered that fat makes you even MORE invisible.
I think that I believed the fairy tales that if you were good for long enough.. all wonderful things would come to you.
I lived that way in my marriage.. and in so many other facets of my life.
And of course then good things didn't happen because I am a normal woman that gets tired and grumpy and emotional at times....so I couldn't be "good" all the time. What does this have to do with my weight?
Well in the last few years, I have slowly started coming out of my cocoon. I left my marriage. That might not sound like alot, but within my faith and certainly in my family it isn't something you do. You don't bail out. But I finally realized that I could be good forever and it still didn't mean my ex was ever going to care about having a marriage. Not enough to stop doing what is working for him! :-)
But.. I was left with the habit of being overweight.
Someone else mentioned on this board about the Barbie doll girls taking care of themselves. That is SOOO true! this Sister that just got married has always taken care of herself. Put herself first. And My parents came to accept that as okay.. in fact assisted her with that!
They do worry about what Cindy likes. I seriously doubt to this day that they walk anywhere and think "Nedra would like that!" but they do that with Cindy. So.. I got in the habit of NOT even thinking of myself in a good sort of way first!
Lately I have been getting make up ect..but you know what...I still struggle with just DOING it!
Putting it on..doing the hair.. worrying about every detail!
so... doing this WOE and doing the exercise is putting me first. I am so bad about keeping myself first in that way. I am even TOO afraid to start letting men into my life!! Because when that happens.. I tend to forget me!
So.. what hasn't worked?? Not giving myself LOVE! Nobody else is going to if I don't get this lesson down. What is slowly but surely working..but tough to learn?? Putting me first. Saying I have to do this. for ME!! Me and only me..the rest of the world can wait.
I think someone else mentioned that they don't have to compete if they get slim. AMEN.. I knew exactly what you meant. If you aren't your best self.. you just don't.. put yourself out there doing the best! Taking that critical moment for you!

So... even though I want sometimes to fall into the old habits of doing nothing..and waiting for the Fairy God mother...that doesn't work :-)
I have to be up.. exercise. I can't eat just anything to soothe the pain. That really hasn't worked!
I can't be afraid of heavier weights.. as the light stuff doesn't really work.. no for me!
None of what I was doing is working for the woman that I am.
it was the path of least resistance and the path of no change.
It seemed to be the path of acceptance of others, like the crowd at work that is a little threatened by my doing the Low Carb WOL. But the person that was screaming for acceptance was me. It worked for no resistance but it was betrayal of myself.

Now I realize that I want to be out of the cocoon..so I have to make the changes.
I get scared at times.. but I can't go back. I want to be a healthy old lady!
Poofie!

When I was really young I believed in the power of makeup to make you beautiful. I had a young friend who wasn't terribly pretty by nature, but I showed her how to use makeup and she got very good at making herself look beautiful. She was very rigid about it, believed that she had to do it all every day. (Probably still does, although I don't know her anymore).

My ex husband (before we were married) told me that I was a "natural beauty" and that she was not.

A former teacher once asked me how much time it took to put on my makeup in the morning. When I told her "about a half an hour" she told me that there would come a point where I wouldn't wear any at all. I didn't believe her, but I'm there. It just doesn't seem terribly important any more.

Yes it takes a lot of time and energy to be "vain". It also takes a lot of fear that you aren't good enough as you are. I suppose women who know they look ok without makeup aren't so fearful of people seeing them without it.

I don't think that we have to feel that being thinner means we suddenly have to start doing ourselves up all the time. If we don't care about that fat, why should we care about it thin?

I do know what you mean Poofie though about the "good girl" syndrome. Good girls (in our society) seem to put everyone else first. We don't walk away from marriages (even if they aren't working), unless the right rules have been broken. (In my case that meant that he had to cheat on me first).

We can begin to love ourselves though. We can allow ourselves the things we need. BUT it takes courage. It still goes back to what I was saying about fear. We have to overcome the fear, whatever that fear is.