Jane,
I've heard it said that all eating disorders stem from some type of sexual abuse. [although this is a controversial train of thought] I myself have been abused and am proud to hear how much you've worked through. Unless you've been through it you really have no understanding of the type of self esteem issues we face due to our pasts.

Theories abound, but the one that I believe most is that we use fat as a barrier, like a shield from any further abuse and we use food as a comfort and, at the same time, as a means to punish ourselves. The more we eat the larger our barrier, but the more lothsome we feel because of it. We already feel undeserving of love and the fat, and societies reaction to it, simply reinforces that untrue feeling. The human mind can do wonderful things, but is also capable of self tourture.

Addictions are all the same. Heroine, alchohol, cocain, food it doesn't matter, these are all just objects of addiction. The object of anyones addiction is NOT the issue. The true issue is what the object is covering. Once we get to the bottom of the true issue and begin to deal with it, the addiction becomes managable. This does not mean that we are cured however. Once you become addicted you will be, to some degree, for the rest of your life. The trick is to learn how to treat yourself better, without guilt, and keep it up. But first you have to KNOW that you deserve it.

It sounds like you have gotten to the point where you KNOW you deserve to be happy and have made quite a lot of headway in that area. Have you had counceling? If not you are one smart lady to have figured so much out by yourself. Most people can't see these things until they are pointed out to them, and some refuse to see it even when they are.

It's also pretty typical for us to hook up with an abusive and or addicted husband. We feel more comfortable with what we know and it's just too easy to allow someone else to treat us the way our messed up minds tell us we deserve to be treated. Thank God I avoided that. It's only by chance I must admit, or the grace of God.

I married a man I met while working as a waitress in a bar. He came in every night and stayed until closing. I was smitten before I realized that the only reason he was a regular was because I was working there. My warped mind had felt he was safe, thinking he was a heavy drinker. He will have a drink for social occasions but is basically not a drinker at all...lol.

I think you could really get a lot out of OA, AA or ALANON. You would be shocked by how many people could tell YOUR story verbatem, because it's also theirs. It is a wonderful feeling to know that you are not the only one.

Later,

Renee'