I'm on my third round of Atkins - 4 pounds in this first week. I'd lost 30 pounds, very easily, the first time I low-carbed, then gained it all back like a dumba$$.

Finally last week some people at work decided they were having a contest to see who could lose the most weight in a month - with a $160 pot for the winner. At the last minute I decided to join them.

I finally realized that I just wasn't that upset about being fat. My size 16's got too tight, so I bought 18's instead of losing weight. I don't want to date while I'm this fat (me naked = blinded man), so I don't accept any dates or look for guys I might actually like.

I realized I have to motivate myself by being more disgusted by my body. I draw a pig face on my water cups. I slouch naked in the mirror in too-tight lingerie. (I don't hate myself, just my giant fat ass. I consider them separate beings.)

Some people can be happy with being overweight and still feel good/sexy/healthy and everything, but I don't want to feel good/sexy/healthy and be overweight, I would rather have my looks match how I feel about myself.

Does anyone else have a problem with wanting to be thin, but not hating their fat enough to do something about it?

Yes! I did for 28 years! I half-heartedly tried to diet when my mother told me to or I got annoyed at my clothes not fitting any more. Then one day after starting a new relationship, moving interstate, abandoning my old career goal that I no longer wanted and starting a new university degree, it suddenly dawned on me: I was fat and what I used to see (nice, sexy and bigish) was not what other people saw (unhealthily fat) and what I was now seeing as well. So, I decided to become normal weight. I don't understand why it happened so I don't really have any answers for you but I did want to post to let you know that I know exactly what you're talking about! My thinking brain knew I was fat and that I needed to lose weight but my feeling brain (my personality, the real me) didn't believe it at all for all those years.

It was like being fat was inconvenient but no more than that. I felt good about myself, guys still liked me, I was sexy, there was really no problem other than judgemental people who thought I should be skinny and having to buy new clothes.

Then, after all the changes I mentioned, over the period of 3 days or so I realised that I no longer accepted my weight as 'me' so I had to get rid of it. Just like that, it changed. So now I'm losing it and I have no doubt whatsoever that I will lose everything I want to. I've set a fairly high goal weight because I would hate to be skinny or even slim. I want to be at the curvey end of normal.

Do you think maybe your current weight feels safe? I think I probably used my weight to protect me from the hurt of failure. If I didn't succeed in my chosen career I could blame it on being fat, not on not being good enough at what I was doing. And/or I could blame other people for being prejudiced against fat people.

So, that's me! I know where you're at but I don't have any good advice unfortunately. Maybe one thing ... do you look at photos of yourself much? I realise now that I avoided them like the plague because they didn't actually look like ME, like ME how I knew I really was, sexy and attractive. They showed some fat girl that wasn't me. Now I can look at pictures and go "okay yeah, that fat girl is me but not for that much longer".

Now I'm just rambling ... I think I'm excited to see someone else who feels like I felt! The big difference between you and me is that I put on a lot more weight before I even started asking the questions you have the good sense to tackle now.

Best wishes,

Em

I won't even allow anyone to take a picture of me!

I don't get any benefit from being fat, other than eating what I want!

Part of the problem is it's okay to be very heavy now. I know a lot of people hate themselves and who they are because they're fat, but I think we've all gone too overboard with fat acceptance. My blood pressure, cholesterol, resting pulse rate, etc. is the same now as when I was 18 and a size 11 (171 pounds), and studies show that being moderately overweight in itself doesn't cause health problems, and I do feel that the medical community has greatly overstated the health dangers of being overweight.

But I think I'm fooling myself, along with millions of others, when I think I might be as attractive as I was when I was a size 11. It's just not true, and everyone keeps supporting us fat folks and I think some of us aren't trying to lose weight because of it.

It's like we're still silently condemning people as moral failures for being heavy (which is stupid), but emotionally telling them it's okay and making them feel better by making sizes bigger and bigger. (My 11's from 1989 are the same size as a 9 now!)

I'm thinking mostly of teenagers here - I see a lot of girls my size with baby tees and ass-crack jeans on with huge fat rolls hanging out that are caused solely by the too-tight low-riding jeans. They'd look fantastic and curvy if they'd wear normal clothes. Maybe it's just the girls in Florida.

I'm rambling here, but on these boards I see a lot of self-loathing without enough motivation to lose. (I'm guilty of this myself.)

I guess I don't understand how cultivating a deliberately negative view of oneself would make losing weight easier... to me it would drive me the OTHER way. But that's me.

My own weight gives me an excuse not to put myself out there to be rejected or hurt. It took a long time to make the leap between realizing I didn't want to have a man see me naked at my size, to realizing that attitude came from fear of rejection in general, and had suprisingly little to do with my weight.

I personally think putting pig faces on cups and deliberately trying to disgust myself like works for you would just set me to feeling negative about myself in general and actually derail my efforts to change more than help.

Chelle, in all honestly, I think you'll find the answers you're looking for inside, not outside in the rest of society or their views. Judge yourself only by your own internal standards and do what you feel is right for you.

Best wishes,

Em

Fortunately, I don't look to outside influences as to how I feel about my weight, or my looks at all. Otherwise I'd be puking up every meal and let my hair grow long.

I have an image in my head of how I used to look - much better than I do now - and I know I was treated better, received more responsibility and respect at work, could wear nicer clothes, etc.

Emma - I agree with you. I have all these external clues about losing weight - fewer promotions, being treated differently as a customer, etc., but I don't actually have any internal clues. That's what I'm trying to do with my pig faces.

I just don't want to get comfortable thinking I'm okay being fat, and I was very very close to getting there.

I think that its all about how you mentally project yourself. There are a lot of overweight people out there who have loving partners. They have confidence and don't hide themselves. They aren't obsessed about their weight.

I think the media and magazines have a lot to answer for in making people feel guilty about not fitting in to that perfect size ten. Is it really worth the mental anguish and the suffering of your ego and relationships to constantly bombard yourself with negative throughts just because you don't fit into someones preconcieved idea of what the perfect women should look like or aspire to.
If you want to fit into a size ten you should stop and look at yourself before. If you are doing it because you feel it will make you loved by others then your living in a dream world. People are attracted to the person you are, not just the package.

If your finding it difficult to function in a relationship you should be looking at handling this before you pile on a guilt trip about your weight as well. Why do you find it difficult, why do people treat you differently. its probably becuase your shrinking away from people believing there thinking negative things about you.

The thing writing and drawing pig faces on cups and so forth is that your putting yourself down. Have you ever seen a plant thrive on darkness and no nutrients. Humans have to have a possitive influence to move them. Motivation etc.

You should try and push your throughts into a possitive outlook. So what if you eat a cream cake. Is it the end of the world? Did someone die because of it? Why the guilt trip.

If you want the cream cake eat it, but realise that if you want to lose weight its not going to lose itself. Start a real simple exercise plan.

I started by just dancing to some music ten minutes a day. And building it up from there. People treated me differently not because I was fitter but because my mental outlook on life was more possitive.

I think I must have not been particularly articulate in explaining my point of view regarding my own self-image.

Because I don't care at all what other people think of me, I have allowed myself to become fat and unattractive. I am not one of those fortunate souls who have a face that looks attractive with a lot of extra fat on it.

And if someone tries to convince me that fat people are treated the same as regular-sized people (regardless of the overweight person's attitude), I have never, ever found this to be true. Same as if someone's wearing sloppy sweatclothes or has dirty, greasy hair. (NOT THAT IT'S THE SAME THING!)

I know I won't be at all happier if I'm thinner. I'll just get to wear nicer clothes, be considered for more jobs at interviews, get more doors held open for me, make more money, etc. I mean this in the most selfish, self-serving way. I'm already okay with myself, and if I can get judgemental dimwits who don't know me to look at me with in a more positive light, I'll do it.

I don't hate myself for being overweight. I would rather be thin for many reasons but hating myself would just suck. I have spent years trying to improve my self esteem and have to accept myself no matter what my size. I think it's ok to be a bit overweight as long as it's not out of control and your health is ok . It's just not that easy to be perfect so a few pounds are not the end of the world. Look at Bridget Jones, her guy loves her just the way she is. By the way I really liked part 2.(shameless plug). So anyway while I am working on on new self and self image I refuse to beat myself up for having some extra pounds.