Warning; Anti-Carb People May be Hazardous to Your Health

By J. G. Fabiano
Jul 11, 2004, 14:34

It seems like only yesterday that these people were first seen wandering through our neighborhoods in a kind of lost and helpless state. The advance guard of a new movement. We should have seen it coming. Our population was reported to be obese. Our government’s health agencies warned of future medical disasters when the obese people of today became the sickly fat people of tomorrow. The long established culture of super sizing our meals had produced a nation of super sized people.
More and more followers of the Atkins and South Beach diets were seen intermixed with our friends and relatives. Many believed these newest diet fads would soon fade away like all those that went before. But the anti-carb movement didn’t disappear. It quickly became evident that anti-carb people were taking over.

One can always differentiate between normal people and those who follow the weight loss promise of the anti-carb movement. Their faces are gaunt and the flesh around their eye sockets stretched thin due to a total lack of fat underneath. This makes their eyes look larger and wider because their eyelids have become almost translucent. Their bodies have shrunk several sizes to the point where their clothes no longer fit and their belts have been pierced with new holes to hold up pants that once fit a much larger person.

The gait of these people has also changed. Where once they walked purposefully, with heads held high, easily putting one foot in front of the other, they now seem to drift along weakly, not only falling behind everybody else but forgetting where they were going in the first place.

Another consequence of the anti-carb craze is that people are not only walking slower but also thinking slower. You can always tell a person who is on this newest of diets by the way they speak. First of all you can hardly hear them because a lack of carbohydrates in their diet robs them of the energy to push out words. They are perpetually whispering, hoping people will still believe they exist.

Before they started dieting followers of the anti-carb movement used to have personalities that consisted of conservative or liberal thoughts. Political and social arguments were the norm. Today, society seems to have fallen into some sort of hypnotic state with people more interested in what they eat versus what they are.

Such is the life of followers of the anti-carb movement.

But where did all this begin and how did so many people become so terrified of anything that had to do with carbohydrates. These foods include breads, potatoes, pasta, cereal, most fruits, and anything that has anything to do with sugar. These foods used to be the base of the food pyramid that we had been told since we were children we had to eat to eat to stay healthy.

What makes this diet even more incredible is that the foods we were once warned to avoid, like bacon, red meat, butter, cheese and anything to do with fat, we can now eat as much as we want. In fact, we are ordered to do so.

Whole industries have been destroyed by this newest of diet cults. Italian restaurants, where long lines of people used to form to enjoy the wonders of marinara covered pasta with mountains of hard crusted bread, waiting to be drowned in any sauce left after the linguine, ziti, or spaghetti has been eaten, are now vacant. The few people left to enjoy the feasts now order red meats with no pasta and a double order of vegetables that have to include broccoli or green salads. A carrot or any other sugar filled vegetable is simply not allowed.

The doughnut industry has been decimated by this newest diet fad. Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, which only recently had visions of global domination, has seen its profit margins cut and its stock price nosedive. Fast food outlets that used to rule the eating habits of the nation are now being forced to change their menus to include carb-free foods. Potato and potato chip companies have also been forced to come up with products that appear to have fewer carbohydrates in them. This is very difficult considering a potato is nothing but carb.

Last week this same industry came out with a report of a carb free potato. I believe they called it cauliflower. While there are many stories of failure due to this new cult there are also stories of success. The Atkins and South Beach diet industries went from smalltime businesses to world-class food suppliers of the millions who had jumped on the anti-carb bandwagon. These corporate behemoths now offer desserts, frozen meals, packaged foods and even candy that promise to be free of bad carbohydrates and full of good carbohydrates.

This is yet another wrinkle in the latest doctrine of health and well-being. Before Atkins most people knew of only one type of carbohydrate. Now, after the assault of the anti-carb movement we hear of bad carbs that put massive amounts of unwanted fat on us, while good carbs not only take the weight off but also will keep us regular. Apparently it’s okay to eat plenty of good carbs, which are basically all fiber and will pass through us before we have a chance to put on any weight.

The steak industry has been boosted by this newest of diet philosophies. Steak houses across the country are now filled with followers of the anti-carb movement. Whole menus have changed, promising to keep their diners in line with what they are told they should eat. Where there once were one or two steak houses in a town there are now multiple restaurants hawking the in formation that they are all meat all the time.

The question now is what will become of these anti-carb people? Where will they be a year from now?

Will they become part of a new type of disorder replacing anorexia?

Will hospitals across the nation have special wings built to handle the extreme cases of people literally wasting away? Will people start to become stupid because, after they lose all of the fat around their bodies, their brains will start to shrink? Remember the brain is 90% fat!

Will people be perpetually nervous and jittery because of reductions in the fatty insulation around their nerves? Will our government’s next health policy be to ask the American people to once again eat super-size so that we can be saved from becoming a nation of weaklings?

It seems like only yesterday that these anti-carb people were first seen wandering through our neighborhoods. The question now is how many of them will be left when the leaves change color and the first cold breath of winter makes itself felt. Remember, in the wonderful state of Maine, a good layer of fat is a necessity against an always long and brutally cold winter.

By the way, could you please pass the cauliflower?

Jim Fabiano is a teacher and writer living in York, Maine
Email Jim: yorkmarine~yahoo.com

http://magic-city-news.com/article_1772.shtml

all i can say about this is that i hope this guy is an english teacher. what would motivate a guy like this to write a scathing article on a topic he obviously knows little about?

I thought it was funny. It was obviously just a spoof. So hey,
lets all lighten up. He at least acknowledged that we all eat lots of veg. And don't I wish I were wasting away...

Val

and exactly why is it that anti-carb people may be hazardous to our health? and i have 'lightened up', that's why i'm questioning the author that's criticizing the diet that responsible for 'lightening' me.

I don't think he was criticising, really...what he said was too ridiculous to be a critique. I believe he was just having some fun, and said lots of over the top silly stuff that makes that evident. Others have written similar silly pieces to make people have a laugh. Sounds like one of those by-line articles that people write all the time, nothing serious, just meant to be amusing.

Anyway, that's how it struck me. It obviously didn't get near your funny bone. But hey, I laughed at this line: "Last week this same industry came out with a report of a carb free potato. I believe they called it cauliflower."

BTW, congrats on your own success..looks like you are doing well!

Val

I thought it was funny too. Thanks for posting some fun for me to read at the end of my day!!
Mae

yeah, i detected an attempt at humor. however, to me, it came off more mean-spirited than funny with lines like these:
the other problem i have wiht these kind of shooting-from-the-hip articles is that people who aren't otherwise bothered with nutrition and who won't read articles about the real science behind low-carb dieting, are left with a false impression of what these diets do. i just hope people are smart enough to see the rather scientific shallowness of this article.

Actually, I think he may have been trying to point out how ridiculous the anti-low-carb claims are. We have all seen the serious articles stating that we are all in bad moods and that we are hurting our bodies with low-carbing. His comments are so over the top that they make those statements laughable.

DebPenny, that is exactly what I thought too...that he was making fun of a lot of different things. I agree that they are so over the top silly- especially the ones quoted in Nolin Nae's post- to sound that way.

I think we here could come up with an extremely funny piece about the misunderstandings that many newbies make from needing to weigh daily through to saying thay are stalled in week 3.

Val

That's what I thought too, and if you take it that way it really is very funny.

It reminds me of some of the things I wrote in college. I was a columnist for the paper, and had to fill a certain number of column inches twice a week. And on some days, I tell you, trying to come up with something was a real chore. I'm really embarrassed about some of the things I wrote. I was very interested in writing well, and did, every time, but the subject matter was weak from time to time, depending on how much time I had to actually sit down and think that week. And whatever I wrote, no matter how little I knew about the subject I was writing about, I tried to be amusing.

He's a small-time columnist writing for a small-time paper and probably having the time of his life doing it. I'm guessing he doesn't get paid a dime to do it, either. Imagine yourself having to come up with 800 words every week on a completely new topic. Personally, my first column would be low-carbohydrate nutrition, but what about the second week? What about the 52nd week? Probably enjoys "fan" mail too, since some of his other columns are about cell phones and "The Key To Success Is To Stay Disorganized".

I didn't see it that way. When people want to make fun of ridiculous claims, they usually make over the top comments that are dripping with sarcasm. I know because I have a tendency to write like that.

Humor, that’s actually funny, uses a well recognized trait or characteristic and exaggerates it. We recognize it in ourselves or others, and that's why we laugh. Sometimes it makes us a little uncomfortable because it hits so close to the mark. Sometimes it crosses the line into mean-spiritedness and it's not longer funny at all. Other times it completely misses the mark.

I believe this is the latter case. He is describing a behavior that we simply haven't observed. Well actually if we have observed it, it's in the case of someone following a low-fat, low calorie diet that's either borderline or downright anorexic. In fact, it’s almost as if he was making fun of anorexia. If anything, people who loose weight through low-carbing are all the opposite of what he says.

So that's what makes it un-funny. It's as if he was joking about how African Americans talk in a high-pitched nasal voice. No one would get the joke because that's simply not a common characteristic.

Have you all noticed that the article can be interpreted either way and thus shows the power of the authors creative writing style....

or not.

I'm not sure it's a spoof either. I don't get the warm-n-fuzzy feeling something truly funny and satirical gives me.

Monty Python is satire. Mel Brooks' movies, Batman (the series), Naked Gun and the Airplane! movies are spoofs. This tirade seems like he's just sick and tired of people choosing low carb diets, and is ranting, just in a more creative way.

His email is there though... anybody wanna ASK him?

I'm too lethargic and stupid.

Vicky

My vote is for funny. I thought the article was laughable and brought smiles to me. It does make me rethink how the basic food pyramids developed. The potato industry must have a powerful lobby.

And I think the Krispy Kreme delimnae is funny as well. When I first saw Krispy becoming vogue again (like 7 years ago) i wondered when that sugar filled caloric treat would burst! It is certaintly too long for america to realize that you are what you eat and air filled sacs of sugar turn you back into air filled sacs of sugar. Glad the american public is coming to grips with this.

Didn't mean to have a commentary, just being funny...