Hi everyone

I couldn't find a previous post on this topic recently, but my apologies if I am beating a dead horse. As the hubby and I embark on our new WOL, we are doing a lot of self-discovery. It is amazing for us, really! We have had the most awesome talks lately and for once are actually taking the time to focus on ourselves and what we need. One of the things we have been talking/thinking so much about is the fact that we are both extreme people pleasers, alays looking out for other's welfare and discarding our own needs. I think in a way, our eating was a small way (that became a BIG problem!!) to have control in our lives and I would be lying if I didn't say that we have identified the need the need to take care of ourselves first, but are dealing with some guilt pangs over it. For example, now we may schedule out time to actually cook ourselves a great LC meal or go for a walk instead of the usual catering to the needs of friends/family (and I am not talking major health needs or anything of that sort....just average run of the mill stuff). Anyhow, I was just curious how many of you all would consider yourselves people pleasers who have given up your own needs for those of others and how you right the ship so to speak. Thanks in advance!!!

~ Lori

Hello LoriLoCarb,

I'm ashamed to admit it .. but say it I must: I've been the exact opposite ... totally self involved.

My self inflicted obesity and negative psychological manifestations therein have been my excuse to avoid all sorts of social obligations over the last few years. Else, I've run roughshod over everyone I know and manipulated things to my liking when I've engaged in any group activity.

The root cause was carb-addiction > obesity > low self-esteem so perhaps that mitigates my behaviour to some degree. However I was conscious of my 'choices' throughout and did nothing for years to confront the problem ... never even letting my nearest and dearest 'in'.

Thanks to low-carbing I've now begun to see above the parapet once more and to engage with people more honestly and on equal terms. Even mustering the courage to ask my beautiful lady to marry me. Twas the greatest absolution when she said yes.

TBP~ Congratulations!!!!

Lori~
I wouldn't say I was a people pleaser, but, upon further investigation, perhaps I am. I am always the one to visit my friends, they rarely visit me, I always bring most of the snacks like to football games, when we have a family gathering I always plan the menu and bring most of it, I do not live with my boyfriend (of 6 years) but we spend most of our time at his house, because it is more convenient for him and I often allow chores and responsibilites of my own slip so that I can do something that someone else wants or needs me to do with them. I could go on for hours...

But I always thought that made me nice, easy to get along with, a good friend and accomodating. OR...Perhaps that was my way of dealing with being over weight, if I did all of those things, people would like me more. I was valuable if I provided all of those services. I was wanted and needed because I could be counted on.

I don't know, too deep for me this early in the morning. I do not think I have been harmed by my actions and I do not think I intend to change with weight loss. I'm not a doormat or anything, I just like to be nice to those who love me and whom I care about.

I read once somewhere that there are about six catagories of people and how they show others their love. Some folks say it all the time. Some folks buy people that they love stuff. Some provide services for the people they love (me). Some folks let their loved one make all the decisions, turn over control. Etc... I can't remember them all, but I know which one I am.

Sorry if I've gone on too long.

I've always been a people pleaser, but I've noticed that the more overweight I got, the more "pleasing" I tried to be.

I honestly think that part of it was my fear that if I gave the slightest bit of offense, people would ditch me because I was unworthy. I have a habit of assuming that there is no good in me strong enough to make people like me, because who could like Fat Bree. It makes me very paranoid, and I actually annoy people by trying so hard not to annoy them.

There are other factors other than my weight in this, but I think it was a big part of it.

It's also odd, because I don't apply this logic to other people. I assume that I am ugly because I'm overweight, but I don't think other people are. I assume that people will hate me for being overweight, but I don't hate people who are. I guess I've got a pretty unhealthy double standard.

Hmmm... now I have to go think about this.

CONGRATS on your engagement TBP!!!! That is wonderful!

Thanks for answering everyone - I appreciate the honest and thoughtful posts. Have just been thinking about this a lot lately and was curious.

Thanks again,
~ Lori

I was the same way.

I still like to make people happy but now I lean more toward making myself happy now all others come second, except for my family of course.

I want to be the one people please for a change and so far they are.

I've found that I am both very self-involved and a people-pleaser. I've always just assumed myself to be unloveable and unworthy so I built up walls to keep people from even trying - aggressive, domineering behaviors. However, the people that do end up close to me become my everything and I am suddenly a lioness protecting her cubs. Yet even with my people-pleasing I can be very manipulative and passive-aggressive. I am big on controlling people, places and things.

I say all of these openly because hey we're only as sick as our secrets and I don't want to be like this anymore. I am all about happy, healthy and honest relationships.

Hey Renkin...it's called your "love language". I had forgotten about that! Thanks for reminding me.

The Five Love Languages, in fact. By Gary Chapman. Find it at your local Barnes & Noble in the Christian Living section.

Sorry. Can you tell I've worked at the bookstore too long? We get a LOT of requests for that one.

Breecita, Thanks for the book suggestion!

To your question: yes, I am a people pleaser. One of the reasons I'm department head, in fact. Remember the song from Oklahoma: "I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say 'No'"? I'm also an "Auntie Judi"--the person people talk to when they need to whine, vent, boast, or blow. That works out to finding it hard to find time for myself 'way too often. So I'm learning to say no sometimes.

Does it tie in with my food fights? Not that I know of; even before I was obese, or even fat, I was a people pleaser and an "Auntie Judi". It ties more in with being an ACA,

Jude

Wow!! Great thread!

Hi, my name is Barb, and I'm a recovering doormat.

My whole LIFe, I've been the clown, the "fixer" the helper... the one people can always count on because I'll ALWAYS lend a hand, even at my own expense. Want a babysitter? (I did have a haircut appointment, but...) "Sure, bring him over!" I'd be happy to... <sigh>

I was, and still AM to a lesser extent, guilty of putting EVERYONE before me. I've gone to extremes like driving a friend 120 miles to get her husband, lending her grocery money, cigarette money, watching her kids...and getting crapped on and taken for granted in return.

There IS a payoff for any behavior. Mine was being a martyr. If I made myself indispensible and they turned on me (which they always did, since who can respect a doormat?) I got to be "poor Barb, after ALL she did for them, look how they treat her....."

Dr P is right. We DO teach people how to treat us, and I'm trying to "help" a few people learn to respect me now that I respect myself. It's scary sometimes, but oddly enough, THRILLING!

I tend to be a take charge, solve problems type of person. I wouldn't describe myself as a people pleaser -- I usually stick up for my own rights and don't let people walk all over me -- but I do find it extremely difficult to admit weakness or ask other people to help me when I need it. Even at work, where I have people who I supervise, I do everything I can not to ask them to work extra hours or take on extra responsibilities, even when I am working long hours myself to make a deadline. This is something I am trying to change. We all need help from others sometimes and I need to learn that there is nothing shameful about that.

Potatofree ~ you took the words right out of my mouth!

I used to be that doormat too....Ok, I guess I still am to an extent. I am trying very hard to let go of that....it is especially hard when someone is offended or hurt when I now say no.....and even now when I have said no....sometimes I overturn my own decsions because I feel so bad that people are angry or hurt. It's a hard thing to let go of when I've been like this my entire life.....but I am working on it and my hubby is very supportive of me. He knows how it all makes me feel.....he's so terrific!

Josie-- it is hard. I still struggle with it. I HATE the feeling that I've let someone down, or they may not like me... but you know what? I'm beginning to like the feeling of not letting MYSELF down!

I still like to help people, and I always will. I'm just learning to examine my motives for helping, and not try to "buy friends" by doing things for them they would NEVER do for me?

It became clear to me when my son was sick just how few of the people I've done things for are real friends that I can call on when *I* need help.

Yes & no. Sometimes I am a people pleaser, most of the time probably. But, I don't get large numbers of unreasonable requests either, so it's a little easier to accomodate people if they aren't being unreasonable.

I try to be nice. I like the fact that I'm considerate of others feelings and needs though I don't always feel it's reciprocated, I've decided that I'd rather still be that way than not be.

So I'd have to say in general I am a people pleaser, but I'm not so much of one that I can't say no if I really want to and I guess I can be proud of the fact that if we really do teach others how to treat us, that I seem to have taught others to not abuse my helpfulness with too many unreasonable requests.

Valerie