A post that Irisda wrote got me to thinking about how I've been feeling which led me to post this. It's a feeling I'd been trying to ignore, so I wouldn't deal with it and keep the weight on. Thanks for the wake-up call Irisda

Since I've started losing weight, I've noticed patterns in my behavior where I'm seeking numbness. The drop in pounds does scare me a little because I'm getting closer to that thin Melaney, the one that will probably get more attention...and I feel like I won't have the weight to hide behind. I know it sounds strange, hiding behind weight, but it makes me feel secure for some reason. When I'm losing weight, sometimes I'll take naps just to get away from feeling things...to get myself numb. Eating prior to LC made me feel numb from that carb lull you get afterwards. I'm tired of using numbness as a crutch and having it in my way of losing weight. Has anyone been dealing with this/or dealt with this? What do you replace this desire for numbness with? How do you get used to letting yourself feel so much?

Wow, I was beginning to think I was the only one in Washington

As for hiding behind your weight, I truly know where you're coming from. I've been hiding behind my weight for close to 20 years, to avoid the comments & sexual harassment I'd been dealing with since I was 11.

Have you read Dr. Phil's book? Though I don't agree with the low-fat, low-calorie mentality he uses, he does have a TON of information and soul-searching, and helps a lot with the issues that leads people to be overweight to begin with. He addresses the very issue of hiding behind the weight, as he says, we all get something from being heavy.........

Email me anytime, I have a lot of experience in the area!

This WOL is great, it works and it's a lifetime commitment I've made to myself. Sometimes I just check out from the world, just want to be alone, and I know I will have to deal with feelings that have long been buried as I lose this weight, but I did a lot of "preparing" and dealing with myself before I started low-carbing & going to the gym, so I felt ready.

Also, as food is being replaced for a source of comfort as you lose weight, you'll need to find something to replace that comfort, perhaps the gym, a hobby, reading, walking, something to look forward to besides food, that way food doesn't seem so obsessive. I can't say I was ever obsessive about food myself, but now I'm definitely obsessed with the gym, I find I cannot wait to get out of work so I can just GO! I've started running, and I know I will always be a treadmill girl, I'll probably never run on the street, due to the comments I used to get all the time, most not very nice. I feel very safe at the gym actually, no one cares if I'm sweating in my baseball hat and big shirt. It's the YMCA, people just come to work out, it's not so much a meat market I've seen at other places...............

Don't forget, you're dealing with a lot of stuff, just deal with it one at a time, read Dr. Phil's book and check out his Weight Loss Challenge online at www.drphil.com, because all the people on the challenge have overcome MAJOR obstacles before they could even begin to lose weight.

Have a great day!

C

I'm from WA too! I have a lot of those issues with fat. I haven't tried Dr. Phil because I thought his answers were a little flip, but I will get the book from the library and try it. Maybe we could get a support group together. I live in SW WA, but we could do an email support about these issues. PM me if you are interested. Beth

Hi Beth, I'm up north of Seattle, glad to meet ya!

I love Dr. Phil, I know a lot of people are put off by him, but have always admired direct people, I'm too impatient for otherwise. He makes sense, he's upfront and he has a lot of good information in his book about the issues that lead us to become obese to begin with. Anyone can go on a diet, but when you're dealing with emotional issues with food (as most of us are), you need to, in addition to eating better and exercising, also deal with the emotional part of it.

It took me almost a year to "get ready" to lose weight. I read, had counseling, started weaning myself off carbs, started working out more, so when I made the change to this WOE, I was not likely to cheat and had the determination to do what is necessary to lose the weight. I haven't cheated yet and I can't say I never will, but I have a great attitude that I know it won't be an overnight process, and that exercise has to become a daily part of my schedule, period.

When I read all the posts of all the people falling constantly off the wagon, I think they'd benefit from Dr. Phil's book, because if you're not ready emotionally and physically, losing weight will be a constant battle. I also see the constant posts of people frustrated they're not losing 50lbs in a month, and this too is sad, because it means that many have been brainwashed into every gimmic and scam stating that you can lose weight by sleeping, taking a pill, etc. In Dr. Phils' book, he is right, you need to constantly monitor what you eat, reduce portion sizes whether you low-carb or low-cal or low-fat, you need to exercise and simply expend more energy than you put in to lose weight.

Weight doesn't appear overnight, it isn't coming off overnight, and patience is the key, when we hit a plateau, we need to switch gears, try a new exercise, change eating habits, etc., it's different for each person and it's trial & error to determine what works for each individual.

C

That sounds good! I will read his book because I know for a fact that the emotional baggage is helping me hold onto the weight. I'll let you know how it goes.

Beth - and other fellow Washingtonians,

I am originally from Seattle - I grew up in Normandy Park halfway between Burien and Des Moines. I relocated to the south about 7 1/2 years ago. I still make it back up there every couple of years to see my family.

Beth - I have a huge amount of Family in SW Washington - my Dad and his 2 brothers and 1 sister all grew up in the Kelso/Longview area, and most of my extended family still lives either in Kelso/Longview or within two hours driving from Kelso - we were just there last October.

Just wanted to say hi to y'all

Zymi,

I have noticed that eating gave me that feeling of numbness too. It was an important thing for me, tuning out as I called it, just not having to be too present. I know I needed to tune out to avoid the pain that being morbidly obese created in my life, the loneliness, the self-hate, the feelings of unattractiveness. Zoning out has been away to avoid thinking about my obesity, to avoid the negative self talk that comes with being obese. But then if I need that comfort of tuning out, how do I get it if I'm not eating? Because that pain hasn't gone away completely yet.

So, I have a couple of tools that I have gravitated to this time around. TV & the internet. I watch a fair bit of TV and I spend alot of time on the internet, mostly low-carb support boards, keeping myself focused on how important it is to succeed this time. I do kind of zone out still when I do these activities, and for me, that's okay. I know these aren't the ideal ways to deal with the situation, but it's a temporary measure to get me from point A to point B.

I've done years of therapy, dealt with the majority of my low self-esteem issues and with the exception of the feelings around the weight, consider myself to be a pretty emotionally healthy person. So I think as I lose the weight and have less reason to put myself down when I look in the mirror, the need to avoid those feelings (and the actual feelings themselves) will gradually disappear.

Don't know if this helps at all, it's just what has happened for me.

Valerie

Ken - isn't it beautiful here! I live in Washougal, at the mouth of the gorge. I drive through Longview on my way to the coast. Great country out here!

Hmmm, I've been eyeing this thread for some time now and been sort of afraid/reluctant to post. 6 or 7 years ago, I thought that the whole insulating yourself with fat idea was hogwash - even as I was slowly gaining my way to somewhere over 240 lbs. There were many months of utter denial in there where I simply wouldn't get on the scale, so I don't actually know what my top weight was. The turnaround for me came a little over a year ago when I'd been having some great success with CKD. Heads started turning when I'd walk by, and a guy chatted me up in one of my classes. All I can say is, "Holy freak-out, Batman." A few weeks later, hanging on by the skin of my teeth, I made it into onederland for the first time in maybe 8 or 9 years, a huge psychological boundary. As I looked in the mirror, a cheery little voice inside my head said "Wow, I haven't been this thin since I was r-.." Frankly, that completed my flip-out. I'd never really admitted that to myself before. In utter terror, I regained almost 20 lbs very fast.

The upside - I got to deal with a very old demon and I'm back, stronger than ever and ready to truly reclaim my life, body, health and career. (I previously fled graduate school in part because of the incident in question.)

Part of me Sooooo does not want to put this out on the forum. I'm scared, it feels vulnerable and I don't want to be the poster child for sex abuse issues. But... secrets kill, and if I'd had more contact with others in similar situations, I might have fared better myself.

At any rate, yes, sometimes it's really not about the food, and a person can be entirely unconscious of how and why they are using fat as a shield. And yes, sometimes things just won't smell any better until you muck out the stall. Shovel, anyone?

Cheers,

Friday

Friday - thank you for that post! You do have to muck out the stall. Many women who have experienced domestic violence are obese also, so its not a quackery that emotional issues cause obesity. Now I have to deal with obesity, but then I had to deal with attempted rape, sexual harassment (have sex with me or have your salary cut, I chose the salary cut), and I am ready to deal with issues as issues. I don't want to hide from issues behind fat. Its interesting how no one really looks at you when you're fat.

Friday, I admire your courage in talking about this. It is hard.

I think our sub-conscious minds play a bigger role in our weight than we might want to admit sometimes. It's not easy to admit that there are thought processes or beliefs that we hold deep down somewhere, buried so far that we might not even see them, let alone be able to change them easily.

I know I have issues around relationships/the opposite sex and even if I didn't put on the weight to avoid dealing with those issues, at least being overweight has given me an excuse not to deal with them.

I do think that primarily, my obesity is a result of physical things, like an intolerance for carbs, but I do acknowledge that I have also used food for emotional comfort and used my weight as an emotional shield and barrier too.

Valerie

Hi Zymi, you have described how I have been feeling also. I have always used food as my drug of choice because I don't like feeling. It is always so intense, i can't seem to relax and feel at the same time, or I can't seem to let go of the feelings and let them pass. I also like some of the other ladies, have sexual abuse and harrassment issues, I still have not dealt with mine. I think I have found an outlet though....through my pottery. I am a recovering artist with mental health issues on top of everything else. I have found a way to afford studio space, it's communal but very supportive, and I think it will be my little island of sanity, where I can feel and not automatically get scared and paralysed. I hope to at some point get enough recognition to do my art full time instead of part time. If I cannot create I feel dead or dying, which is the worse feeling of all. So I guess you could say that clay is now my drug of choice. I can get excited about my work and not feel like I'm out of control, and the feelings do not scare me to death.
Others have some good advice about DR Phil, although I have not read him myself, he does seem to shoot from the hip.
I struggle everyday to stay LC and I know it is because I'm so afraid to lose my protection. (see my journal)

Good luck to you
Laree

Congratulations to everyone who realizes that the weight is not just because we like french fries. No one likes french fries enough to find yourself at 304 pounds as I did. I have been self medicating for a long time. The fat insulated me from the world. No one could touch me. The funny thing about being so overweight is that you actually begin to be invisible to the outside world. I could be standing right in front of a person and their eyes would glass over and they would act as if they couldnt see me and that was fine with me.

A few years ago at 250 pounds I lost 50 pounds and started getting a lot of attention. I freaked out. I couldnt handle it and subsequently put on that 50 and more. The funny thing is that I recognized what I was doing but I was unable to stop. This time around I have a better handle on things I think. I actually enjoy attention now (within reason). I am getting used to the idea that others may find me attractive and that its okay. When I feel sad I can process it. Its okay for me to acknowledge my feelings and my right to have them.

I say YAY for feelings. No more numbness for me.

Thanks so much for everybody's support!

Dr. Phil seems interesting, so I'll have to check out his book. I love Oprah..hehehe, so I watched him in the beginning. On issues like this, I think his directness would really help. CarynLucy, that's great that exercise excites you now! It's funny because sometimes I really dread doing exercise, but once I'm done I feel Wonderful and think "why don't I do this more often?" lol..gotta love endorphins.

Valerie, Friday, and Laree - Thank you for having the courage and openness to share your stories with me I don't feel as weird now..lol. I've always had problems with negative self talk...and I can relate to issues of sexual abuse and harrassment. I've been through therapy too and I feel I am much healthier now, but this issue is being stubborn..hehe I grew up a chubby child then became anorexic...got thin, then freaked out at attention and started bingeing which led to bulimia. (reason i went to therapy) So I understand exactly what you all are talking about. It feels good to talk about all this, so thanks for listening and letting me talk away.

Laree, that's cool that you have pottery as an outlet. My mom throws (right word? hehe) pottery sometimes and has taken several classes in it. She says working with clay is one of the most therapeutic things to do. I'd like to take a class myself. Do you have any pictures of your pieces any where? I'd love to see them....gonna head to your gallery to see..hehe

Our stories are very much the same, I've been hiding behind my weight for 20 years after being assaulted. The assault coming out of the gym when I was my thinnest weight ever basically told me that when you're thin, you get attacked and deserve it. I know better now.

I too lost about 35lbs awhile back, but when guys started paying attention to me I too freaked out and gained it all back and more. I took almost a year to get ready to lose this weight for good, counseling, reading (Dr. Phil's book is awesome), weaning myself off carbs so I wouldn't get all sickly.

No one pays any attention to me when I go anywhere, it is like you are invisible, sitting at Starbucks in the comfy chairs, people will actually sit farther away, as if no one wants anyone to know they're associated with that fat girl. Ironically, I gained weight so people would leave me alone, now of course I find I don't actually want to be alone........hmmmmmmm.

As for attention from men once I lose more weight, I'll just deal with that as it comes, but it won't send me back in the other direction ever again..........

As for safe places, ironically the YMCA feels very safe to me, I can work out without anyone bothering me, it's not a meat market, no one cares what you are wearing or how much you're huffing & puffing at some machine in your baseball hat

C