Here I am, feeling a little like a traitor.

I was a big kid, and my mom hated that. I was in WW at age 5, taking physician prescribed speed at age 10. There wasn't a time when I don't remember being on a diet. Yet, I wasn't an overeater, I was very physcially active, but I still graduated from HS at 275 lbs. (6')

The next few years, I yo-yo dieted myself like crazy, dropping my calories really low, and I'd lose 10 pounds just to gain back 30 after a few weeks. I kept waiting for the 'magic bullet' to come along and strip me of fat so I could begin my life, but that didn't happen. At 330, I decided I had to stop waiting and start living.

I learned about the size acceptance movement, and the more I learned, the more I understood about the cycle that brought me to this weight. I didn't deprive myself. I began to learn to love my big body, love other big bodies. I joined an exercise class just for fat people, and before long, the instructor encouraged me to gain Fitness Instructor Certification from the YMCA. It wasn't easy, but on one sunny day, I passed all their physical testing at 330 lbs. in a room full of Barbi's, who at most weighed ~120 lbs.

For over a decade, this worked great for me. I started teaching a water aerobic class, went to college, had a wonderful job, found love (a few times!), and generally lived a great life. Yes. Flying was a hassle, movie theatre seats were hit-or-miss, clothing options were dismal and expensive - but being fat was really okay for me. Certainly better than beating myself up with a scale and yo-yo dieting myself even heavier.

So... a few years ago I was diagnosed with a Lupus-like disease, and suddenly, I can't move very well. My body just froze up. Carrying myself around became an aerobic activity. Worst, I can't *reach* everywhere (like I can't keep myself clean without the use of hand held shower, etc.).

My weight has become my enemy again. And I feel like a traitor to myself because I can't accept this body. I can't love this body anymore. And I think those things are essential, so I'm conflicted. I know age and illness play major roles, but I have little or no control over them. At least my weight is something I could potentially manipulate.

So conflicted or not, I decided to try again. The one diet I never tried in all my years of yo-yo was low carb. After some research, it seemed like a WOE, not deprevation - you know?

This is now day 21. I'm not saying it's been easy thus far - mainly because all the energy needed to shop and cook and clean - BUT I can already move a little easier. (I've decided not to weigh myself for a few months.) And I'm eating better than I ever have before.

I was glad to find this forum, because I know many of you know what I'm talking about 'size wise' - you're my people. Is there anyone else out there who was an active part of the size acceptance movement? How do you feel about 'dieting' again?

Thanks for being here!
XOXO AntiM