One thing I really want to do is to go swimming. The thought of being seen in public in a swim suit, though, makes me nervous. I've been waiting until I got to a more acceptable size before getting a suit and going to the pool or beach.

Well, I've begun to realize it's not going to happen. I'm fat for life. So, I asked my mom to get me swimming lessons for my Christmas gift. The class starts on January 21, and the more I think about it the more nervous I get.

I hope to learn a basic stroke or two and swim daily. My goals are improved physical condition and a meditative "mindfulness" like activity. (Should I write Thich Nhat Hanh and suggest "mindful swimming"?)

I've been shopping online for a swim suit. I'm becoming increasingly nervous - to the point I'm about to chicken out.

Honestly I feel this way about all forms of exercise (with the added stress of being in public in a swim suit). I'm never more aware of how fat I am than when I'm doing something physical - particularly formal exercise and particularly when other people can see me. I imagine they think I'm trying to lose weight by exercising - which I'm not. I know that sounds silly, but I've found that exercise doesn't help me lose weight. I just want the other benefits of exercise, including just being comfortable in my body.

I know this all sounds silly. Please don't tell me I'm being ridiculous or to ignore the judgments of other people (or what I imagine is their judgment). I know there are bigger women than me at the pool, and I envy them their ease and comfort with themselves. Hopefully I'll be comfortable that way too some day - if I can just make myself get out there and try.

I guess I just want some empathy and a bit of cheerleading.