Tue, Feb-18-03, 02:11
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Letter of Apology to My Body
Hello, Fellow Low Carbers...
I originally posted this Letter to My Body in my journal... but it's been suggested that I post it here for those other than within my circle of low-carb friends to read. I've very recently become acutely aware of the relationship between my mind, my emotions and my body. Several days ago I woke up very early in the morning... while it was still dark out. My head was full of dialog about how sorry I am that I did this horrible thing to my body. I jumped out of bed and grabbed a notepad... not wanting to miss out on one fleeting thought. Because I had a bad eating day on Saturday... and it felt a lot like self-sabotage... I thought NOW would be a good time to gather those thoughts and remind myself just how important low carbing is to me.
After reading my letter, you might want to write a letter to your body. I'm telling you... if you write to your body from your heart, it will get you in touch in a way that you might not have ever been in touch before. It was an epiphany for me.
Quote:
Dear Body, my dear friend:
I can’t thank you enough for your patience with me all these foggy years while I ignored your cries for help and love. There were outcries: the fat, the occasional aches and pains, the anxiety and panic attacks. I realize now that the panic attacks were your way of trying desperately to penetrate my psyche… to get my attention. They were dramatic screams for help. But I couldn’t respond to these pleas since I didn’t understand them. They only made me more afraid… and I fed that fear with still more food… making you even fatter yet. But you’ve remained my best friend in spite of the abuse and betrayal. I overfed you to the point of obscenity… making you obese and hating you for it. I was disgusted and embarrassed by you… my most faithful friend. It was all my doing… my mistake… but I blamed YOU. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to pay attention to your cries for help. I know now that carbs have been my drug while they’ve been your poison. I numbed my emotions with them, and tried to quiet my fears. It didn’t work, of course. I still cowered in fear… but kept trying to dull my senses with even more food. All I accomplished was making you fatter, more miserable and less healthy. The worse things got, the more I loathed you. I see now how wrong I was. I do love you, my friend… and I’m so grateful for your strength and loving patience with me. I’ve been so selfish and ignorant. Look at the heavy price I made you pay. I’m so sorry. Let me make this up to you.
You have been strong and brave while I was full of fear. I tried muffling my fear with food… only serving to create new fears... adding the fearful health issues. You’ve been good to me… remaining healthy in spite of these years and years of abuse. All you wanted was to be healthy… to be loved. I overfed you while starving you of the love you craved. You wanted to wear pretty feminine clothes… but I made you shop in the plus size department. You wanted to ride a bike, but I said, “No way! Your ass is too big! People with laugh and point.” I hid out inside you… and made you hide with me. You wanted to wear sleeveless tops, but I wouldn’t let you. “Your arms are too fat!”, just like I’d been told when I was young. You wanted to go swimming, but I wouldn’t let you wear a swimsuit. You poor thing. I kept you from so much living for way too long. You wanted to wear bright colors, short trashy dresses. I said I’d let you if you weren’t so damn fat. You wanted to play, but I limited your movement and choices by making you fat. You wanted to be attractive… and have a good man in my life. Ben and Jerry were NOT the men you had in mind, I know… but the immediate gratification they brought to the party was good enough for me. Not for you… I know… but since my gut was in the driver’s seat, that’s what you had to settle for. That’s the best I was willing to give you. You wanted nutrition… and I overfed you by overindulging in comfort food. Temporary comfort for my emotional center… but long-term misery for you. You poor thing. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I want to make this up to you.
I really didn’t know what I was doing to my best friend. I honestly didn’t make the connection. YOU knew what I was doing to you. You begged me to stop… but my emotional self was in control… OUT of control, actually. And THAT part of me was so miserable, numb and afraid that I didn’t know how badly you were being hurt by my mindless out-of-control eating. I love you. Do you know that? I’ve never had trouble loving my inner self… but I hated my outer self. I’m a loving person and good friend… but I haven’t been a good friend to you, my wonderful body… have I? I didn’t mean to treat you so badly. I was drugging myself with food to quiet my fears. Thank goodness you did what you could to take care of things while I was so out of it. Thank goodness you didn’t give up on me. I’ll make this up to you. I’ll take the weight off of you… literally and figuratively.
I’m seeing more clearly now. I see the distinction and relationship between mind, body and emotions. I’m in better control. You won’t have to work so hard from now on. I’ll finally allow you to be who you were born to be. Together we’ll find out just who that is. I’ll take you swimming, adventuring, dancing, visiting, shopping and dreaming. I’ll buy you those sleeveless tops… and I’ll even get you that bathing suit. But most of all, I’ll love you like you’re worthy of being loved. Be patient with me a little longer. This could take time… but I’ll do my very best to change and make this up to you. I’ll ask for God’s help daily since clearly I can’t do this on my own. With God’s help, I’ll help you be who it is you’re longing to be… who God intended you to be. I’ll help you shine and live again. I know it’s been a struggle for you. I WILL make this up to you. I promise.
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