Hi - I do not know if anyone remembers me........ it has been a while since I posted or visited.

During my absence, everything has hit the fan.
Sure, I could blame vacation, summer, school starting, stress, horrible assignment for 5 weeks, or anything else I wanted to, but the truth is, I did it to myself.

I have this unique ability to look in the mirror and not see my fat, blobby, horrible looking self. But, one day, I looked and saw. and what I saw....... that couldn't be me. No way.
Sure enough it was. What the he** .........I said. I got on the scale and the number was almost to where I was one year ago.
Not quite, but damn near enough. I sat down on the edge of my tub and cried. I cried and cried and shook my head.

I did this. I am the one who ate the candy and crap. I am the one who went to the store and got it and sat down and ate it.
But why...................... Depression, because I was fat, so therefore I ate somemore, and gained some weight, and ate somemore and gained some weight, and so of and so on.

I looked at myself again this morning, I am HUGE !! Disgustingly huge. I can not bear to see myself in the reflection.

I want to come back to this wol, --- I want to gain contol again, I want to have something positive.

Last week, I went to my Moms, and she in her "wonderful" way, said, "You are getting fat. What happened?" She is right.

I was near this weight one year ago. ALl the struggles, work, despair and emotions that I went through to lose that weight.
Now what.......... It actually is very humilating to sit down and write this and admit my inability and failure.

I want to begin again. I want to be a success, yet, everyday I keep putting it off. I say, tomorrow, or Sunday or after Halloween.

It is going to be painful to change my stats back to where I was. It is really admit defeat and being the worst type of loser. A loser-loser!!

Arrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.

Any thoughts?