I was driving home tonight and it occurred to me that I FEEL different. It is as though I have "crossed over" some invisible line, into the "normal" range of weight. I realized as I was driving that I felt thin. Well not thin as in slender, but thin as in normal, average weight.

It is odd, I think that we go through stages, in our body image more than even in our bodies. We have the "obese" stage where all we can think of ourselves is that we are in serious trouble, that we MUST do something or it is too late. The stage where it is uncomfortable to even live in our own bodies.

Then we get to the stage where we just feel fat. Not thin, not obese, just fat. Not uncomfortable, but not attractive either. I was there mentally for a long time. Got a little comfortable there actually. It seemed like the rest of the journey was too far to go, to impossible to ever hope for, and anyway it wasn't so bad to be fat was it?

But lately I think I've been crossing over toward average. I feel like I'm starting to get to a healthy size again, Starting to feel a little attractive and "normal" again. Not sexy and slender, not cute and "watch out world here I come" thin, but not "make room for the fat girl" either.

I was driving in the dark, not looking down at my body, just seeing out of my eyes at the parts of me that were visible. I think my face is thinner and I can FEEL it even looking out of my eyes, my cheeks seem thinner. My arms are starting to look normal again and my upper body is getting there too. I wore a size 14/16 blouse today which is still large, but ordinary large, not huge large. My lower body still is too large, but it is shrinking too.

But I guess the thing that was fascinating me was the change in my state of mind. It was like different RULES applied to me now. Like what I choose to eat is not so much a necessity but a choice. Like if I want something I can have it, but it isn't imperative that I have it today or right now, or at all. I'm not sure if I'm describing this feeling in a way that anyone else can really grasp, but as an obese person you eat what you want to people expect to see you eating things you shouldn't so although it is embarrasing to be caught eating junk, people figure you are doing it anyway so who are you fooling?

As a fat person you make these excuses about how you NORMALLY are trying your hardest, but just once in awhile you want something that isn't on your diet.

As an average person you think differently. To maintain this weight I have to watch how much of this or that I have. But it is like things are a choice NOT to as often as they are a choice to eat the thing you consider.

I suppose there is probably one or two further stages that I haven't passed into yet. I'm wondering how they will feel different mentally than this new one I'm approaching.

Am I making any sense here? Can anyone relate to this at all?