I have just returned from Dublin where to my complete surprise I found myself in the Guinness factory with a pint of Guinness in my hand. I think the only explanation is that I was abducted by aliens and transported there and some bizarre experiment was being conducted on me.

Guinness is a low carb beer...honest!.....believel me.....I have tested it severeal times to make sure.

5.2 carbs for a 12oz serving

For those who may wish to retrace my wobbly steps around the Temple Bar area of Dublin I have found a good guide to drinking Guinness.

1 Choose your pub carefully. A pint of Guinness does not appreciate loud music, loud people or bright flashing lights.

2 Ask politely for a pint of Guinness. Depending on the pub, it is possible to catch the barmans eye and just mouth the word "pint" silently, he will translate this accurately.

3 The barman will fill the glass between 70% and 80% capacity. It will then be put to the side for a few moments to allow it "to settle". Once the brownish liquid has almost turned to a solid black the barman will then fill the rest of the glass. NB: do not under any circumstances take the glass before it is filled. Some tourists seem to think that the settling stage is the final stage and walk away with an unfinished pint. At this point the locals will fall about and you will be the cause of endless mirth.

4 Once you have received your pint, find a comfortable stool or seat, gaze with awe into the deep blackness, raise the pint to your mouth and take a large mouthful. Be firm.

5 A good pint can distinguished by a number of methods. A smooth, slightly off- white head is one, another is the residue left on the inside of the glass. These, surpise surprise, are known as rings. As long as they are there you know your're okay.

A science of rings is developing - the instance that comes to mind is determining a persons nationality by the number of rings (a ring is dependent on a swig of Guinness each swig leaving it's own ring). An Irishman will have in the region of 5-6 rings (they pace themselves), we English will have 8-10 rings, an American will have 17-20 (they sip) and an Australian won't have any at all as they tend to knock it back in one go!

6 As you near the end of your pint, it is the custom to order another one. It is a well known fact that a bird does not fly on one wing.

7 Locate another pub carefully, by putting one foot in the gutter it will guide you along the road. You have now become one with the Guinness and also do not like loud noises, loud people, and bright flashing lights.

8 repeat from step 2

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