Anyone who reads my journal will see that I have stopped and started this woe more times than I care to admit since May (although most of my stops and starts are not recorded in the journal). My low self esteem seems to somehow always deliberately sabotage my efforts.

Whenever I start the woe, the first few days are obsessive and joyous and my weight even drops a few pounds. Then something will happen and I will use food as comfort. I tell myself, "just this once and then its back to the woe". And just when I decide to go back to lc'ing, this inner voice pops up in my head, insisting that I don't deserve to lose weight and that I'm nothing but a fat loser. I restart eating high carb foods and I gain more weight than I had lost in the first place.

I decided a few days to restart lc'ing and I was feeling really good about it. However, just last night I found out that my bf no longer finds me attractive at this weight. When I was 70 lbs lighter he couldnt' take his hands off me and always complimented my looks. Now he just ignores me (and our 'love' life is nonexistent). I guess I already knew he was repulsed by me, but it was still devastating to my self esteem to have it confirmed.

And now I worry that I am going to eat emotionally again. I know I should see the incentive in losing weight (that I will be attractive again) but I can't help feel ashamed about lc'ing now, because its a constant reminder of how fat I have become.

If anyone out there has low self esteem, how do you push yourself to keep losing weight, even when you don't feel like you deserve it?