Posted on Thu, Aug. 14, 2003

Please pass the potatoes, Dr. Atkins

CELIA RIVENBARK - FROM THE BELLE TOWER

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It's official. Every human being I know is now on the Atkins diet.

Sure, they look kind of silly, sitting there eating puddles of spaghetti sauce without the noodles underneath like God and Rocco DiSpirito intended, but they're SERIOUS. No side of garlic bread for them. But yes, please, another 8-pound meatball!

Like most women my age who eat a lot of fudge and don't exercise, I've gained a bit of weight recently; and so I decided the Atkins diet was worth a try. Any diet that encourages mass consumption of T-bones and kielbasa sausages can't be all bad, right?

Wrong. I lasted exactly 32 hours on the Atkins diet and have no intentions of ever trying it again.

Without carbohydrates - and lots of them - I discovered that I really did have the capacity to take another's life.

Particularly if the "other" was eating a big, fat yeast roll in front of me. In which case we would, once again, trot out the "but, yer honor, he needed killin' " defense so popular in our South.

Carbohydrates - from the Latin "carbo," which means yummy, and "hydrates," which means cinnamon bun - are not something I can eliminate or even drastically cut back on.

There is no joy in a steak without a baked potato, a hot dog without a bun, a casserole without noodles, a movie starring Ben and J Lo.

The late Dr. Atkins believed that by restricting carbs, it would cause the body to burn up its stored fat faster.

Ha! That might work for most people, but I can assure you that my body, in 32 hours, was already plotting new and more embarrassing places to store fat.

I don't dispute that the Atkins diet works for most people. I've seen women shed 50 pounds in a matter of weeks using this diet.

The only bad part is that if you slip up and eat, say, a single french fry or a saltine, you will wake up 20 pounds heavier.

It's cruel that way.

Weight Watchers makes more sense to me. That would be my first choice of diets, except they assign "points" to food. This involves a lot of math, calculating the dietary fat grams divided by the calories and then converting it all into these "points."

According to Weight Watchers, I am entitled to a measley 23 points a day, but I'd use up 18 of them in one single serving of Nachos Bell Grande, or, as I like to call it, heaven on a cardboard plate.

The perfect diet is out there, my hons. And I'm going to find it. Just as soon as I finish these mashed potatoes.

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Contact CELIA RIVENBARK at celiariven~aol.com.