I cheated again last night - after my husband went to bed I pulled out a bag of cookies I had purchased (unbeknownst to him) and ate most (10) of them along with some 1% milk. Oh, how I enjoyed that, however briefly. Unfortunately, the perverse pleasure I got in eating secretly last night is the same pleasure I had when I was a teenager and hid the food I ate from my mother. Too bad some things don't change. My husband is rail thin and doesn't understand my obsession with food other than thinking I need to control my carb intake in order to lose weight and that's it. Unfortunately, knowing something and actually being able to do it day in and day out has not been sufficient impetus to keep me from straying off the plan.

So last night (after the binge) I got to thinking. One of my main problems is that I have low frustration tolerance. If something doesn't come easily then most times I don't have the motivation to slog away at it until it's done (at least where my physical health is concerned). More often than not I just feel too mentally exhausted to take anything but the path of least resistance. Also, when I want something I want it now and feel petulant if I can't have it (though I do try to hide it!). (In fact, didn't someone (A. Ellis, maybe?) once say that becoming addicted to a substance at a young age causes arrested development at the age at which a person becomes addicted?)

My other problem (and my husband's) is that we both say to me "You shouldn't eat that. Period." I have a problem with "shoulds" because when I do something I "shouldn't" it only makes me feel ashamed and guilty and even more likely to cheat. Perhaps instead I should say to myself, "Go ahead and eat that if you want to but that decision has consequences."

Another problem: excuses. My baby was born in February, in the middle of winter here in the Northeast. So I wasn't able to get out and get much exercise because of the snow. Now that summer is here (the spring seems to have passed us by) it's really hot and humid which makes me very grumpy. I hate to go outside unless it is cool. Even so, last night I was thinking about getting a gym membership at the YMCA, which is about four blocks from here, but the fact that it's four blocks downhill going there but four blocks uphill coming back made me think twice!! Yes, that's how far gone I am. Then I thought "And when the sidewalks are icy I'm terrified of slipping and falling (which happens a few times a year), so on icy days I won't be able to go on those days, so maybe it would be a waste of money to buy a membership." And also, it's too much money. And on and on and on with other valid reasons I "shouldn't" join. And then feeling guilty because I'm making excuses, even to myself. And then feeling like "what the hell, I'm just someone who makes excuses so she doesn't have to do the hard work, so why bother even trying?" My point is that it isn't useful for me even to say I'm making excuses because that has a negative connotation rather than a neutral one, which will only lead me to overeat. Better to say, "Yes, there are many inconveniences in getting a membership at the Y, but many positive ones, also. You decide."

Another problem: "awfulizing" the consequences of my actions. Like being "terrified" that I'll slip and fall instead of "wary", for instance. The reality is that if I fall on an icy sidewalk it might hurt a little but I'll survive. And there are things I can do to mitigate the danger - like walking in the middle of the street. And if I get overheated and curse my way down the street as I head for the gym, I won't enjoy it but at least I will make it to the gym. The bottom line is that circumstances don't have to be perfect (or perfectly pleasant) in order to get things done, and I just need to keep reminding myself (day by day, hour by hour) that there is a bigger reward when you overcome obstacles than there is in standing still and being afraid. Maybe not immediately, but the payoff will be there eventually. And that the easy way out or the path of least resistance isn't always the best path to take, no matter how tempting it is.

So this morning I got up, put the baby in the stroller and walked down to take a tour of the Y's facilities. Not sure if I'll join yet, but I'm leaning towards it. It has a nice pool, tennis courts and a good cardio area. Then we went to the grocery store where I bought meat, cheese, eggs and vegetables.

As far as the rest of the day goes, so far so good.

Jules