Hey fellas, your burgers are nekkid

John Kelso

Friday, August 15, 2003

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It used to be that no buns had a whole different meaning.

As in, "Wow, she has no buns."

But now, because of the trendy Atkins diet, guys have taken to ordering cheeseburgers with no buns, thinking it will help them lose weight because it cuts down on carbohydrates.

The diet is popular with guys, and no wonder. Telling guys they'll lose weight by eating lots of meat is sort of like telling guys they'll get more sex if they watch football.

Ordering burgers with no buns has become such a phenomenon that at Dirty Martin's Place — the legendary burger joint at 2808 Guadalupe St. — has put a bunless cheeseburger salad on the menu. Only Dirty's could get away with putting the word "cheeseburger" in the name of a salad.

"It's a big huge plate of lettuce and tomato and onion, and it's got two hamburger patties with melted cheese on 'em," said Christene Fair, a waitress and cashier.

Swell, but can you get the special weight-loss cheeseburger salad with bacon? Who wants to choke down a salad if it doesn't come with a slab of fat?

"Oh yeah," Christene said. "People get it with bacon, people get it with jalapenos, with fried eggs on top. We do have fried eggs for people, so we have a couple of people who get the (cheeseburger) salad with the fried eggs."

I tried the cheeseburger salad ($6.25), and it was OK except it had way too much lettuce. It's what you'd get if Bugs Bunny designed a cheeseburger.

No-buns burgers have become commonplace at Mike's Pub at 108 E. Seventh St., too. A friend who was dining at Mike's Pub said he saw a guy "shaped like a pear" who had a double-meat, double-cheese arrangement with no bun. The guy made his own lettuce and tomato salad off the condiment table and drowned it in "about a gallon of ranch dressing."

Now that's what I call health food.

Five, six or seven people a day are eating bunless burger patties at Mike's Pub in one form or another, says Cindi Lavas, who owns the place with her husband, George.

Then there are the guys who are trying to lose weight by eating what amounts to a "a plate of meat," said Chris Lavas, Cindi and George's son, and Mike's Pub's manager and cook. "I have six or seven guys who come in and get double-meat and double-cheese, no bun, and a chili cheese dog, no bun," he said. Chris is on the Atkins diet. He says he's lost 18 pounds in three or four weeks. On Wednesday for lunch he had, among other things, fried cheese.

Chris says he knows of three or four customers who order "the chicken-fried steak without the breading." But when nobody's looking, do they drink a glass of cream gravy?

So how do you eat a cheeseburger with no bun? I thought the bun was there because it served as the handle.

"They eat it with a fork and knife," Cindi said.

So the Atkins diet calls for slightly more formal dining habits. Though you can cut back on the stuffiness aspect by holding the bun between your knees.

John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at (512) 445-3606 or jkelso~statesman.com.