Dining out: No-carb Atkins diet is highway to hell

By Michael Muckian, Special to The Capital Times, January 31, 2004

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Curse you, Robert Atkins!

Your diet has made my life a living carbohydrate-free hell. No fruit, no muffins, no bagels and certainly no devil's food cake. How does anyone survive the induction phase of this diet without wantonly attacking every passing pastry cart in his path?

I've been on it only a week, and I have yet to stay on the protein-and-green-vegetables wagon for more than a day or two at a time. Nevertheless, I soldier on in search of lighter weight.

Breakfasts are easy. Bacon and eggs, followed the next day by more bacon and eggs (maybe scrambled this time) and then, for variety, sausages and eggs. One morning I was so desperate for change I had coffee and broccoli for breakfast. That's no way to live.

Lunch on the run is tougher. Had I the time and inclination, I could sit down with a tasty filet, a small side salad with Bleu cheese dressing and maybe some baby asparagus spears dressed in a butter sauce with my glass of Evian. Most days, however it has to be "grab 'n' go," and therein lies the problem.

For my own survival, I've tried some of the fast food options. Here's my report.

Subway has Atkins in its pocket pita -- literally -- with its "Atkins-friendly wraps" ($3.99). The sandwich chain, famous for Jared and its low-cal subs, has struck a deal with the late diet doc's estate to use the familiar name for its Turkey & Bacon Melt and its Chicken Bacon Ranch wraps.

Every calorie has been counted, every carbohydrate charted, with a detailed menu board that brings to mind the Periodic Table of Elements from chemistry class.

I tried the Chicken Bacon Ranch wrap with 8 grams of net carbohydrates as opposed to the Turkey & Bacon Melt, which has 10. It came wrapped in butcher paper oozing creamy ranch dressing on my sleeve.

The wrap, made of whole wheat, soy and sesame flour, was filled with sliced chicken breast, red onion, green peppers, olive, melted shredded Swiss cheese and the ever-present bacon. To a hungry man it tasted very good, but it was gone in four bites. The wraps are not as large as a Subway sub, even a 6-incher. Plan on at least two and remember that it is not recommended for dieters in the Atkins induction phase.

McDonald's is where all good carb-aholics go when they die. The restaurant doesn't even try to pretend its sandwiches and french fries are even remotely suitable to people "on Atkins."

Instead, McDonald's has a series of three "classic salads" ($3.99 each), all of which are served with chicken either grilled or "crispy." There is the Classic Cobb, the Chicken Caesar and the Bacon Ranch. Each comes with fresh greens and about 4 ounces of sliced white meat with the skin removed.

Without knowing how the chicken was prepared, it's hard to know if the meal is truly carb-free. The packet of Newman's Own ranch dressing that comes with the Bacon Ranch lists 4 grams of net carbs, but the lettuce, tomatoes, red onions, bacon bits and sliced cheese is probably a safe bet.

And as such salads go, this one is very good, too, and just the right size for a reasonably good lunch. McDonald's classic salad does fall short in the grab 'n' go department and is a little messy to eat while driving to your next appointment, but that's apparently why buns were created in the first place.

Finally, we have the Whopper Platter ($2.20), Double Whopper Platter ($3.10) and Chicken Whopper Platter ($3.70) from Burger King. Check these out quickly, kids, because I don't imagine they will be around for long.

The little counter-sign advertising the low-carb dishes make the three selections of "flame-broiled" beef with fresh salad fixings look and sound appealing. In reality, what you have is burger-in-a-bowl, which works a lot better in theory than in practice.

I ordered the Double Whopper Platter and was presented with a black plastic bowl with two perfectly round, flat patties topped with chopped iceberg lettuce, onions and two anemic tomato slices. With this came two packets of catsup, not my first choice for what essentially acts as salad dressing.

It was, indeed a burger without a bun but, like turkey bacon, was a variation I'm sure God had not meant to be. One quickly sees how important a bun is, both to combining the elements and disguising the contents all at the same time.

I now have an entirely new respect for bakers.

Published: 11:40 AM 1/30/04