Here I am, feeling a little like a traitor.

I was a big kid, and my mom hated that. I was in WW at age 5, taking physician prescribed speed at age 10. There wasn't a time when I don't remember being on a diet. Yet, I wasn't an overeater, I was very physcially active, but I still graduated from HS at 275 lbs. (6')

The next few years, I yo-yo dieted myself like crazy, dropping my calories really low, and I'd lose 10 pounds just to gain back 30 after a few weeks. I kept waiting for the 'magic bullet' to come along and strip me of fat so I could begin my life, but that didn't happen. At 330, I decided I had to stop waiting and start living.

I learned about the size acceptance movement, and the more I learned, the more I understood about the cycle that brought me to this weight. I didn't deprive myself. I began to learn to love my big body, love other big bodies. I joined an exercise class just for fat people, and before long, the instructor encouraged me to gain Fitness Instructor Certification from the YMCA. It wasn't easy, but on one sunny day, I passed all their physical testing at 330 lbs. in a room full of Barbi's, who at most weighed ~120 lbs.

For over a decade, this worked great for me. I started teaching a water aerobic class, went to college, had a wonderful job, found love (a few times!), and generally lived a great life. Yes. Flying was a hassle, movie theatre seats were hit-or-miss, clothing options were dismal and expensive - but being fat was really okay for me. Certainly better than beating myself up with a scale and yo-yo dieting myself even heavier.

So... a few years ago I was diagnosed with a Lupus-like disease, and suddenly, I can't move very well. My body just froze up. Carrying myself around became an aerobic activity. Worst, I can't *reach* everywhere (like I can't keep myself clean without the use of hand held shower, etc.).

My weight has become my enemy again. And I feel like a traitor to myself because I can't accept this body. I can't love this body anymore. And I think those things are essential, so I'm conflicted. I know age and illness play major roles, but I have little or no control over them. At least my weight is something I could potentially manipulate.

So conflicted or not, I decided to try again. The one diet I never tried in all my years of yo-yo was low carb. After some research, it seemed like a WOE, not deprevation - you know?

This is now day 21. I'm not saying it's been easy thus far - mainly because all the energy needed to shop and cook and clean - BUT I can already move a little easier. (I've decided not to weigh myself for a few months.) And I'm eating better than I ever have before.

I was glad to find this forum, because I know many of you know what I'm talking about 'size wise' - you're my people. Is there anyone else out there who was an active part of the size acceptance movement? How do you feel about 'dieting' again?

Thanks for being here!
XOXO AntiM

Welcome to the foroum and to the Triple Digits Club, AntiM (great name BTW)!

Thank you for posting such a thoughtful and insightful introduction. I'm fascinated to follow your progress, since you mentioned that you have never tried LC before. I'm definately not a doctor, but I'd be surprised if this doesn't work well for you. Just be sure to follow whatever plan you choose to the letter and don't assume you can make changes to it until you have thoroughly educated yourself. Even small changes can un-do the good you have done.

Good luck to you and post often!

Donald

Welcome to the club. Get ready for the phrase "Isn't that the diet that is no good for you?"(like carrying around and extra couple hundred pounds is good for you) or "Oh I could never give up. . ." and then they proceed to list all the foods you are trying hard to forget exist.

Well I was not part of the size acceptance movement. . .but I had accepted my size. . .it was better than bulemia (which I had for 10 yrs) and it was better than always feeling like I was failing. I am damn cute. . .so I did not let the poundage stop me. I shopped at the 'fat chick shops' and used the 'fat chick catalogs'. .. to me these were/are discriptive not pejorative terms. Although in the back of my mind is the reality that the women you see out there and active well into their 80's are not the 'fat chicks'. . .but late last summer came the last straw. I wanted to buy a spring/fall jacket and out of the hundreds of coats in front of me in the fat chick section of Burlington Coats I could not find one I liked that fit me. 2X and 3X were just not doing it. That made an impression on me. I started Curves a month later. It took me several more months before I started Atkins. I have never been on a diet for this long with this much sucess. And I feel like a skinny person even though my weight loss is barely noticable. . .but I know this will work. I feel better, have a ton more energy (well I am lying about that right now. . .been rehearsing for a musical til 10:30 pm everynight this week and I am exhausted.. . .but I auditioned before I started Atkins so my life won't begin with my weight loss. . .it will just make my life easier, healthier and longer.) redawn

Welcome to the forum. I am glad you found us.

I was never part of the size acceptance movement, but I gave up on dieting ten years ago and decided to be fat but fit -- I am a lap swimmer and my weight did not interfere with that. However, I'm 45-years-old and my weight was starting to cause me problems -- back problems, knee problems, blood pressure problems, etc. Also, I had reached the same point as Redawn -- 3x clothes were too small and I was having trouble finding anything to wear. I didn't know what to do, because I knew that low fat, low calorie diets did not work for me, until I read an article about low carbing last summer. Low carbing has been great for me -- I'm never hungry and I am slowly, but steadily losing weight. My back and knees no longer hurt and my blood pressure is back in the middle of the normal range. I'm not trying to get skinny -- my goal weight is 175 and I am 5'9-1/2" tall -- but I know that I need to lose more weight to continue to improve my health.

So nice to have you here!! I wish I could have been more accepting of my weight. I have tried dozens of diets some I put myself on, some my parents or doctors had me on. Atkins was the only one that really made a positive (or rather a negative )difference in my weight. You need to read the book and follow it. Adjust only if you have allergies or intollerances. Be sure to drink all your water (being big makes us very suseptable to dehydration) and please don't give up. This is your first time and you'll drop in weight. This is my fourth time so I'm slower.. but not too bad. I'm 5'-8" my goal is 150 but to be honest 180 would be just as great!

Anti-M, welcome!

I want to start by saying that I love your avatar. There was a moment a couple of years ago when I caught sight of my body in a mirror before my shower (I'd been in the habit of not looking at it for a long time) and I realized that it looked just like one of those ancient goddess images. The notion that bodies like mine had once been celebrated in art and even revered made it easier for me to stop outright rejecting and hating my own body. It was a very transforming moment for me, and I believe it's what got me started toward the path I'm on now. But that's another story.

I can't add a lot to what everyone else has said, but I wanted to address this: I think you do love and accept your body. That's why you're trying to help it towards health and vitality. You aren't suddenly going on a starvation-or-die-et because you want to look like Barbie! You're not suddenly thinking "I've been a miserable creature all these years and I need to do something about it because I'm not acceptable as I am." Your body's needs have changed, and you are responding to those needs. I believe that is the essence of loving your body -- doing what it calls for for optimum health rather than forcing it to conform to an outside image -- any image.

When you reach a level at which you have the kind of vitality, energy, and mobility you've had in the past, you can stop -- move to maintenance and decide whether you want to stay where you are. Consult with your body and your heart, and find that place where you're healthy and happy. That will always be yours to decide, and if you're happy and comfortable and healthy, that's all that matters. A lot of us here are chasing health, rather than some outside standard of beauty. I know I am. I'm glad you're here with us.

--Ruth

PS - I hope I haven't gone over the line and been offensive with this post. I just wanted to emphasize that I don't see what you're doing as being inconsistent with self love or size acceptance. You're not rejecting something visual, you're reaching for the fullest possible health for yourself so you can participate in life the way you always have.

Welcome, and I know how you feel. I took my first doctor-prescribed diet pill at 13, after a battery of blood tests that left my arm bruised from wrist to elbow.

I have to be honest -- I do not love my body. I know I should, and I know it would help heal a lot of emotional wounds if I could learn to, but it's very difficult. I think as I keep "shrinking", it may come easier.

Hi there and welcome

I've been on just about every diet known to man and they have failed .... I've been on this for almost 7 weeks and thats the longest in 1 hit I've done anything and I've lost over 50 pounds - I'll do this forever!!!!

I had a weird thing happen when I did my last weighin - I was estatic when I realised I'd lost so much weight (as I only weigh once every 4 weeks) but then after a day or so I started getting a little down about the weightloss, questionning if it was healthy to lose that amount - all the bad negative thoughts started creeping back in - its only safe to lose 1/2kg a week on a low fat diet and look at me - kind of things ..... I started to think that maybe this wasn't the best thing for me .... then I stopped and thought about it, I looked at what I was eating and realised I had no control over the amount of weight I was losing, I was eating sooo much food yet losing so quickly .... my body was deciding how quickly to shed these pounds/kilo's ..... I kicked those old negative thoughts out of my head and I'm back to being in a good frame of mind....

I caught myself the other day wondering though where I will fit in once I lose weight, afterall I've always been the big one, the fat one, I've also been defensive about it, used it as a shield to keep some people away, as an excuse not to get involved in some things - what am I going to do when I lose this weight, who will I be then .... I don't know who I will be or what space I will occupy, I just know its going to be smaller space for a long time which is better than a big space for a short time .....

hmmmm rambling a bit today arn't I

Fee

WOW.....what absolutely insightful and honest posts here. I literally had tears in my eyes reading these. I too wish I could be accepting of my body, but that has not happened yet. I don't wear wonderful clothes. I wear what fits. I don't buy new outfits. I keep waiting to "lose" weight. Even things like new make-up, hairstyles etc. fall by the wayside, waiting for the day when I'm thinner. I was feeling really down when I realized all this, but then I thought....HEY I'm on the road to loving myself. I have already made the committment to a new WOE and regular exercise. The rest I'm sure will follow. Good luck to everyone here on your journey and with continued support of each other, I'm sure we'll all make it to where we'd like to be and to have unconditional love and acceptance of our bodies.

Wow. Thank you for all the support. I feel blessed to have found this community. For all the people who created this forum, and especially all the people who post and breathe life into it, thank you. I look forward to getting to know you all.



XOXO AntiM

I'm curious -- why do you call yourself AntiM? I think of the character on the Wizard of Oz when I say it to myself, but that's not how you spell it. Every time I see on of your posts I find myself wondering what you are against -- why the anti?

You should start a journal. That way we could ask you these types of questions outside of the main forum. Also, for me, my journal is a wonderful way to track my progress. Everytime I get discouraged I go back and look at where I was a few months before. I post my weight in my journal regularly and it really does help me to track how far I have come.

This has been on my mind a great deal lately. I have always been heavy, except for a brief period in high school when I literally starved myself thin. So much of who I am, and how I feel about things, has been filtered through the layers and layers of fat, and how people reacted to my fat. Fee has voiced the exact same fears I've been whispering to myself, in the quiet dark after going to bed ... how is this going to change me?

I'm terrified, and excited, to find out.

Fiona and Celtinore,

I have often found myself wondering the same thing -- will I be different when I lose this weight? I know I will be healthier and I will look different, but will I actually BE different? I was not fat as a young adult (I'm 5'9-1/2" and big-goned, and I weighed 180 to 185 pounds all through my early and mid 20s -- not really thin, but not fat either), but I've been fat for 18 years now, since I got pregnant with my first child. Being fat is certainly part of my identity as an adult woman.

I would like to think I won't change, because I would like to think that my weight was no big deal other than with regard to the health risks it posed. However, I'm not so sure. I've noticed already that with the loss of 75 pounds, people react differently to me. If they react differently to me, I react differently to them in response, and that interaction partially shapes who I am.

I have noticed that I have become somewhat more assertive lately at work -- more readily telling people if I am bothered by something. I am feeling less apologetic about who I am and therefore I am more able to assert my own needs.

Does this mean that I am changing and I am not the same person I was?

Hi Liz, Fiona, Celtinore and all...

I've spent the last few hours (!) on and off trying to answer the AntiM question. This is the quick answer:

I don't have children, so I was tremendously happy to become an aunt a few years ago. My first name is Monika and my brother has taken to sometimes calling me 'Auntie M' (ala Wizard of Oz).

Why I chose that spelling is part of my on-going battle with depression. Sometimes the part of me who wants to disappear seems in charge - I call her the Anti M. Just a little dark humor, but...

Your quesions brought up so many feelings / issues ... I think I'm going to start that suggested journal.

As far as the 'where will I belong' posts, I know what you mean. Since age 3, I've never been less than obese for my height. What if I were merely 'fat' instead of 'super-sized'? What if I made it to that just 'overweight' zone?

These are the questions I'm just beginning to ask myself as I am starting to believe this WOE might work.

XOXO AntiM

Here's my thought (at least, the one for today!): I expect, once I am slim & healthy, that I will make some absolutely horrible fashion <I>faux pas</I>. I won't be able to help it -- after so many years of limited choice, it's going to be hard to not go overboard a little.

That's pretty much how I feel about the changes in my head, too; after so many years of allowing myself to be limited by my body image, what will I become when I no longer have that as an excuse? I will probably make some social <I>faux pas</I>, too -- and hopefully will learn from them. My adult identity is a fat, unhappy, unhealthy woman. I don't see how I can help but change some, and that's what excites -- and terrifies -- me. The question I hear in my head is, <I>Who's under all that fat?</I> And now I'm going to find out ....