I am so tired of being fat. I hate the fact that I have to eat different than everybody else in my family and what feels lke the world becaus eI am so fat. I haven't let my husband touch me for two years because of the enormity of my butt and stomach. I refuse to let anyone take a picture of me because I can't stand to see what I look like.
I can't seem to break the cycle. I get sad and then I eat then I get really down on myself and eat then I want to punish myself and then I eat. I have been to therapy. Tried for four years and got no where. Could be that someone in my family has died since 1997 when my dad died on New Year's Day. Could be because I'm so miserable I just can't get out of it.
I hate being fat. I can't enjoy being out in the world because I see people thinner than I am and I am reminded how I used to look and how I look now. I feel like the Elephant Girl. It feels like people stare at me. My mom used to and still does point out really heavy people. Women with big butts, she calls 'shelf butts'. So I know there are people like that out there. She says "Oh honey, you're not that big. She's way bigger than you. At least you don't wear stretch pants." I do, but only when no one can see me and I don't go anywhere. The knit pants are easier to sit and move in.
I don't understand.....
I AM SO TIRED OF THIS! WHY DID I HAVE TO GET FAT!! WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND SOMETHING, ANYTHING THAT WORKS???!!!
WHY ME!!!!!

Mommatbird -- I have no professional training, but I have a lot of personal experience, and I think you are depressed. Loss of interest in sex, feeling uncomfortable going out in the world, and dysfunctional eating patterns are all signs of depression. Your negative feelings about your weight are way out of line with your statistics.

You wrote that you were in therapy for four years and got nowhere. You may need to see another therapist. There are good therapists and bad therapists. Did your therapist prescribe any medication? If you have any thoughts at all about hurting yourself, please go immediately to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.

Not going to hurt myself. Besides, do I want people to remember me as being this fat? I think not.
I've been to 3 therapists. One prescribed meds but they gave me 'tracers' when I looked to the side. I saw flashes of light that trailed across my field of vision. Another med bloated me up and another med made me really irritable/ angry. My dr said that any med he would put me on would decrease sexual desire and that that wouldn't be good.
Trust me, I've tried.
I just want to know why I have to eat different. It's not fair. I resent and utterly hate that I have to eat differently!

Mommatbird..

I agree it really bites to have to eat differently from a lot of other people to lose weight (who enjoys having to give up stuff you love, even if it means being healthier?) but if you really think about it, anyone who wants to lose weight has to change their eating habits and give up those foods that got them there in the first place. With more than 60% of the American population being overweight, you're certainly not alone in needing to lose weight and you're not different from everyone else that way. I could be very angry at the fact that I'm diabetic, but being angry won't make it go away and will only hurt me (and the people around me that I love) more. I could really beat myself up about the fact that I'm probably diabetic because of the bad choices I've consistently made in the past about what I eat, but that wouldn't change anything either. I have to do my best to live with the consequences of my actions and choices from here on and that's what's important now.
I'd really like to encourage you to keep looking for a therapist who can help you confront the issues that you are struggling with and work through them. I'm very concerned about how depressed and angry you seem. There are a lot of different medications that can help; some of them have less side effects than others. Maybe you can talk to your doctor again?

Hi Momma. I wish I had something particularly profound to say... I'll just offer this: I've been eating this way for a good 9 months now (plus or minus a few weeks of slips here and there), and I'm of the opinion that <b>everyone</b> should enjoy the food they eat, even if there are things that they can't have. And I say 'can't' very loosely. It should be a matter of choice, not "hafta."

There's something I read on some other forum a long time ago, and I wish I knew the source because I'd buy the book. Anyway, it helped me turn around my 'it's no fair' mentality. To paraphrase: get rid of the idea of unfair "deprivation." You are not deprived. A child being neglected by its parents is deprived. People in desperate poverty are deprived. People living under a dictator who's starving his people is deprived. People living in relative wealth and health in suburbia, with sufficient finances to choose good food are NOT deprived. It is a choice. You can choose stuff that makes you feel temporarily good but takes a toll on your health, or you can choose that which would heal you. No one is stopping you from either choice. It's entirely up to you.

Those who choose the unhealthy stuff NEVER get away with it. Just because they're not wearing it on their butt yet doesn't mean they won't in a few years, or that they won't get diabetes. Or that it isn't exacerbating PCOS, infertility, mood disorders, hypoglycemia, IBS, auto-immune diseases or a myriad of other health problems that are the result of poor diet. DON'T think FOR A MINUTE that there's this thin majority out there, scarfing back Cheetos and Pepsi and getting away with it.

Please don't give up on trying to get to that place where you can take care of yourself, and enjoy your day, and your body, and your meals, no matter what your current weight is. Lisa is right: it's perfectly normal to not like being overweight, but it is NOT normal to have so much hatred toward your body and to be so unhappy...

Hang in there and keep on posting...

Momma, Your post could have been written by me 2 years ago. The stats that I use here do not reflect my true starting weight, but do reflect what I weighed when I started lowcarbing. I used to go grocery shopping at about 3 AM just so I could avoid seeing anyone I knew. (Actually, I didn't want anyone I knew to see me.) I wouldn't even go out and get my mail if the neighbors were around b/c I was so ashamed of the way I looked. I was on amitriptyline for awhile which made me even fatter. When I refused to take it any longer, the doctor put me on Wellbutrin. After 6 to 8 weeks on Wellbutrin, I was finally emotionally able and ready to do something about my weight. Even now, I am more afraid of going back to that state of depression than I am of gaining back the weight. However, when the weight started coming off so did the depression. I also know that if I hadn't hit an all time low (all time weight high) that I wouldn't have found whatever it was that I needed to find to get me motivated enough to actually DO something about my weight. I think you're at the point now that I was at then and once you get started it does get easier and it is so worth it. The lowcarb WOE if the only WOE that I have ever tried (and I've tried them all) that I could actually stick to. I wish you every success with lowcarbing and getting rid of the depression. In the meantime, talk to you doctor and see if Wellbutrin would help you. BTW, I have been off the Wellbutrin now for about a year.
asugar

Momma-
I saw where you live in Oklahoma. I am just an hour away from you. What a small world. I understand how you feel. I hate being over weight. Listen the weight did not come on over night and it is not going to go away overnight. I hate when my husband tells me that. I have tried LCing before it is tuff. I am going to make it this time because I have so many people on here helping me. Stick to it. I have been doing this for 4 days. I feel yuk!!!!! My head hurts my stomach hurts. My mom is doing this I will call her and ask mom how do you feel. She says the same thing. I have also noticed being light headed. I guess this is normal. When I did this before my husband started it with me. Needless to say he has lost 35-40 pounds. He still doesn't eat carbs. He doesn't like the way they make him feel. Don't understand they sure are comforting. I guess that is why I am in the shape that I am. I decided to stick to it because I am tired of being tired ALL the time. I still haven't started drinking the water that I need to. I have to do one step at a time. I have taken a couple of different anti-dep. (still) I know that has a lot to do with my weight. I don't like the way I look. But.....I am going to change that. Come to my journal and we will chat.

Hi, Momma
I was where you are about Halloween time of 2001. By mid December of that year, I was ready for the change in lifestyle that brought me to lc. I wish I could tell you what changed, but I can't.
For many years, I refused to look in a mirror! I wore the same clothes all the time, until they were too worn out, then I'd reluctantly buy another two tops and another two pairs of pants and wear them till THEY wore out, and started the cycle again. I avoided social events at all costs, even making dh angry. I didn't want anyone to see me! The weird thing is, I've gone to the hairdresser every 4 weeks for years to get my hair dyed and cut, and in Sept. 2001, I had my nails done for my MIL's b-day party, and have returned every two weeks after that. Was this the start of taking care of myself??? Dunno.
Enough rambling- sorry! When YOU are ready you will make lifestyle changes. If you are not ready yet, that's okay. Keep coming back here. So many people here have been where you are now, and we understand! If you ARE ready, great! Whatever help you need, we're here for you!

Mommatbird,
Its great that you found this site, if you get into some of the journals you will find examples of people that are quite a bit heavier than you are that love themselves, are full of confidence, and are out enjoying life. Yes, this can be you with a little attitude adjustment.

Even at your perfect weight, life will not be perfect, you'll still be full of insecurity if the only thing of value you find in yourself is that you're thin. The people that are worthy of your friendship won't give a darn what the number on the bathroom scale is. Sitting at home fretting about this is driving you crazy. Take a chance and get out there, yes some people will reject you, for all kinds of reasons, not just weight. But some will support you.

Do some exercise. Seeing your muscles work and getting toned up will be good for your self -confidence and your outlook.

You just started the best diet in the world. If you persevere its probable that you will lose weight without going hungry. I would encourage you to enjoy the weightloss but really don't expect to suddenly feel wonderful about yourself based on that alone. You have some to work to do. I would suggest you stop watching tv, in tv land every woman has the perfect body and if you watch too much you'll start to believe this is reality. Its not. You need to find something meaningful to do with your life. This is where your happiness and satisfaction will be found. This is what will set a good example for your kids.

I hope this doesn't sound too much like a sermon. If you look at my journal you'll see that I struggle with these issues. I'm a perfectionist and make myself miserable at times because of it.