I had been doing so great, had been sugar/starch free for a full 4 weeks, even when I recieved word of my Mom being sick, I did not cave in. However, after I went to see her I caved and caved to the deepest, darkest black hole there is for a low carber. trying to do good. It is true this is not a diet, but a WOE and I feel so great when I am doing it right. Then when I give in thinking this food does not judge me, this food does not care if I use the proper English in the proper form. This food is non judgemental and it feels so good and I feel so safe when I indulge.
After all this being said and done then comes the feeling of disgust with myself for being so weak. For the past three weeks I have been on this out of control overload, knowing how bad I feel when I am finished. The guilt of being weak that I cannot face things without candy, ice cream or a loaf of bread to fall back on. I am trying to do some soul searching and that is why I decided to come to the confession booth not because I will get replies of '' DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP" cause it is true there is no reason for me to beat myself up what good is it going to do. There is something deep down that makes me want to stay fat and unhealthy I just have to find out what it is.
I so wanted to be aat 200 lbs. before my 50th birthday, guess what this is not going to be the year. Okay, I have about six and a half weeks before my 50th, if I get going really good at least I can lose some. Thanks for allowing me to vent my anguish and my fears and well as my hopes. This is a great place to be when you don't know where you are going. Joan