I can say without a doubt that my weight is a direct result of depression.

*g* And the following is my brutally honest story.

Though I'm still very young, I spent the years between 18 and 20 on a rollar coaster of diagnosis... I was a little more depressed than some, due to difficult home situations and some abuse, but all in all... I wasn't that much different than any teenager trying to grow up.

My doctors decided they needed to "fix" me., "Let's put her on drugs for depression!" and then "Let's put her on drugs for Bi-Polar Disorder" followed by "Let's put her on more drugs for depression since the Bi-Polar Medicine is making her depressed..."

When I graduated from High School at 18, I ate horrible food (carbs carbs carbs--because, of course, that was what the nutritionist told me to), but was very active, very muscular, and wore a size 14 even though I was easily 175.

By the time they were through mixing up my chemical cocktails... the ONLY thing that made me feel better was sugar. My body was in total rebellion, I was constantly depressed and upset... and self-medicating with carbs and things that gave me that insulin boost was the only thing that seemed to help.

The lowest point came in the middle of the Bi-Polar medication, when I actually was so tired of the way I felt that I took half a bottle of sleeping pills. To this day I'm not completly sure if I knew what I was doing... living through Depakote was rather like living in a daze for me. Things never seemed real, and I'm not sure if I was trying to conquer insomnia, or kill myself. If I'm going to be honest... it was probably the latter.

Feeling ashamed and even more depressed after that episode, things only got worse. I didn't want to see my friends, because I was embarased. I stayed at home, hid in my room, and did the only thing that made me feel better temporarily: sugar.

I gained 100 pounds in UNDER A YEAR due to horrible depression. Even when I came off the drugs, my body was still so out of whack that I kept gaining weight. By then I felt far too out of shape to resume exercising... and my self-image was torn to shreds by what I looked in the mirror and saw.

Doctors tried to put me on low fat high carb diets. I followed them to the letter, and gained weight. I was more depressed. When I fell off my low-fat diets, I fell hard and gained even more weight. It was a vicious, vicious cycle. Eating made the depression seem less devestating... but then the results of eating made the depression that much worse.

The saddest thing to discover is how much my depression was tied into the eating. I understand now that my blood sugar spikes and crashes had much to do with what I felt like were great moods and horrible moods.

I still have my good days and my bad days... and my bad days can be pretty bad. But as long as I follow my WOE diligently, I'm almost assured to maintain a level mood. The hard part are those bad days--and not giving up when they come.

*g* Now that was probably a lot more information than needed... but sometimes things just want to be said. I don't think I talk about this enough... I've noticed since I joined the board that it's been easier. I can talk with my fiancee about things that used to be sensitive. My weight was always tender--because I never spoke about it and let it fester inside me. Now I can be honest with him and myself.

I like that.