Anti-M, welcome!
I want to start by saying that I love your avatar. There was a moment a couple of years ago when I caught sight of my body in a mirror before my shower (I'd been in the habit of not looking at it for a
long time) and I realized that it looked just like one of those ancient goddess images. The notion that bodies like mine had once been celebrated in art and even revered made it easier for me to stop outright rejecting and hating my own body. It was a very transforming moment for me, and I believe it's what got me started toward the path I'm on now. But that's another story.
I can't add a lot to what everyone else has said, but I wanted to address this:
Quote:
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My weight has become my enemy again. And I feel like a traitor to myself because I can't accept this body. I can't love this body anymore. And I think those things are essential, so I'm conflicted.
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I think you do love and accept your body. That's why you're trying to help it towards health and vitality. You aren't suddenly going on a starvation-or-die-et because you want to look like Barbie! You're not suddenly thinking "I've been a miserable creature all these years and I need to do something about it because I'm not acceptable as I am." Your body's needs have changed, and you are responding to those needs. I believe that is the essence of loving your body -- doing what it calls for for optimum health rather than forcing it to conform to an outside image --
any image.
When you reach a level at which you have the kind of vitality, energy, and mobility you've had in the past, you can stop -- move to maintenance and decide whether you want to stay where you are. Consult with your body and your heart, and find that place where you're healthy and happy. That will always be yours to decide, and if you're happy and comfortable and healthy, that's all that matters. A lot of us here are chasing health, rather than some outside standard of beauty. I know I am. I'm glad you're here with us.
--Ruth
PS - I hope I haven't gone over the line and been offensive with this post. I just wanted to emphasize that I don't see what you're doing as being inconsistent with self love
or size acceptance. You're not rejecting something visual, you're reaching for the fullest possible health for yourself so you can participate in life the way you always have.