Journal the pain? I don't know if there are enough journals to hold it all, or if I could ever write it all down. But I can try. I will come here every day, I have been doing that for the past 6 months. It was just recently that I had the courage to make myself known. I wanted to lie about my weight, but I decided if this is going to work I have to be honest, and this just might be the one place where I can do that.

I want all the things you listed as making this worth it. I can't run up the stairs, I plod up them. I can't even run across the room, I hobble. I hurt from the top of my head to the soles of my feet, and I'm so ashamed of how I look I don't go anywhere that I don't absolutely have to. I'm a hermit by nature, content to be alone, but to be totally isolated was never something I set out to do, it just happened.

I will set short term goals. I look at the big picture and it does overwhelm me, so I will focus on getting to 250 lbs instead of getting to 150. I can't believe I'm admitting this stuff to anyone, much less on an online forum. I haven't been to the doctor in years because I'm too ashamed to go. I made an appointment in February for an annual physical. I'm not sure I will keep that appointment, but at least I made it. That's on baby step in the right direction.

Yesterday I took it one step at a time and I had a really good day. Today is a new day and I will take this day one step at a time as well. One step, one day at a time. That's all I can do.