Yeah... the way I see it being fat isnt easy. There is always somethere to make you feel bad.

When I walk down the street, I feel like someone is giving me a disgusted look. They are being grossed out by my chubb. Not only that, teenagers can be cruel, too. I am so conscious that I cant even eat in public. I hate going out with my friends, cuz I feel ugly. I don't go to clubs because I m fat and I feel like I dont fit in with my crew. I love swimming and I always have. I used to swim everday but then I started gaining weight and put on a T-shirt.. but now I am way too embarassed to even step into a pool. There are so many things I love that I am so conscious about. Only because I ahve heard so many rude comments that now I cant stand the pain anymore.

NOw I tend to pretend I didn't hear. But yeh, I hear everything. Every single word is like a stabbing knife. I feel like crap. Sometimes even people close to you say things that hurt so much and they don't even realize it.

Everyday might start out happy, but at the end of the day there is always someone to ruin a perfectly happy day.

Maybe its just me? Maybe I take things to the heart. But I just can't help it anymore. I am broken inside. It's hard having people come up you and say, "Natasha, you used to be so pretty, what happened?" What do you mean what happeneD? I just gained weight, doesnt meant I got ugly.

I can't weight to lose the weight.

I guess I am a bit down today.. so just blabbing on. Have to let it out somewhere. After so many damn years, I am letting anything out. Finally I can relate to people, who feel exactly the way I do...

Though this time i m very determined. I'm going to make it no matter what

Tash