Take 5 eggs and 10oz cream and beat them to within an inch of their lives in a bowl with 2 oz cheese grated gracefully into the mixture. With a quick flourish of the hand add a pinch of salt to the mixture.

Wipe up the spilled salt and pour a Glass of water and rest your arm a bit

Take your quiche dish and spray it or butter it. Remember too late that you should have used the bigger dish.

Flake 3 peppered smoked mackerel fillets over the bottom. Then defrost 4oz of prawns/shrimps. (You should really defrost the prawns before you start but I never remember) and scatter over.

Cut in half enough raw mushroom to make a nice pattern around the dish. More grated cheese to be balanced precariously on the mushrooms. Three slices of tomato add colour.

Take all the spice jars out of the cupboard until you find the cayenne pepper or have to search for you car keys to go and get some.

Preheat the oven to 190/200 before you beat the eggs!

The cooking time follows the "it must be done by now system" as you did not check the time. If you want to be really boring, cook for 35 mins.

Your kitchen should now look like a bomb has hit it. There are broken eggshells and egg white trails that look as if giant snails have walked over your counter top. There are bits of grated cheese everywhere and on the floor and you have also trodden in some. The cream pot has dripped down the side and is beginning to mingle with the spilled salt which you did not clear up when I told you too. There is a strange brown crumb mess which you do not remember making. They are either mushroom remnants or someone else has had toast.

By the time you have cleared up this mess and the second mess as more cheese has fallen off the grater when you put it in the sink, you think "it must be done by now". Open oven door and your glasses steam up in an instant. "Its done" also miraculously 35 mins have elapsed. You are proud. But you have forgotton to cook any veggies or prepare a salad.

Enjoy your meal