I know what you are saying, I had a 20 year detour into the belief that a loving God could never ever let me do some of the killing, murders and other genuine awful stuff I have done in the name of God and Country. I couldn’t forgive myself, I was a successful jewelry designer and manufacturer and made more money than I would have held as impossible. I fell into drugs and drink trying to cover up the demons and one day I got it! I got it that I was killing myself and I quit everything at that moment and no drugs or drink in 18 years. I had by that time had several families or at least wives, I was a tough person to live with and I suffered fools badly, and I was the worst fool of them all. When I got that everything else fell back into place. I went back to church and found the kind of forgiveness by pure Grace and not by works of any kind, certainly not by me. I found even the wealth in my heart to forgive others and most of all, to forgive myself, that was much harder than I would have ever thought. I hope you continue on your journey, that He makes your way easy, that you are kept safe from the things of the world that you really don’t need and that the words; "He Loves You, connects directly to your heart and your head.