Sango-
You can get back in control. You can get back on plan.
When I read your posts and journal, what stands out to me is that you are not taking very good care of yourself. It sounds like you are feeling out of control in a lot of your life, not just your eating. Please please please give yourself some extra TLC: more sleep, eating RMs at home, comfortable clothes, bubble baths(whatever turns you on), lowered expectations. For now, just getting yourself back on plan and having clean CMs and balanced RMs is a goal. Reread CAD, pamper yourself with good food, reach out to friends and people who care (like us).Take one day - even one meal- at a time. You can do it and will be okay.
Eno