Warning; Anti-Carb People May be Hazardous to Your Health

By J. G. Fabiano
Jul 11, 2004, 14:34

It seems like only yesterday that these people were first seen wandering through our neighborhoods in a kind of lost and helpless state. The advance guard of a new movement. We should have seen it coming. Our population was reported to be obese. Our government’s health agencies warned of future medical disasters when the obese people of today became the sickly fat people of tomorrow. The long established culture of super sizing our meals had produced a nation of super sized people.
More and more followers of the Atkins and South Beach diets were seen intermixed with our friends and relatives. Many believed these newest diet fads would soon fade away like all those that went before. But the anti-carb movement didn’t disappear. It quickly became evident that anti-carb people were taking over.

One can always differentiate between normal people and those who follow the weight loss promise of the anti-carb movement. Their faces are gaunt and the flesh around their eye sockets stretched thin due to a total lack of fat underneath. This makes their eyes look larger and wider because their eyelids have become almost translucent. Their bodies have shrunk several sizes to the point where their clothes no longer fit and their belts have been pierced with new holes to hold up pants that once fit a much larger person.

The gait of these people has also changed. Where once they walked purposefully, with heads held high, easily putting one foot in front of the other, they now seem to drift along weakly, not only falling behind everybody else but forgetting where they were going in the first place.

Another consequence of the anti-carb craze is that people are not only walking slower but also thinking slower. You can always tell a person who is on this newest of diets by the way they speak. First of all you can hardly hear them because a lack of carbohydrates in their diet robs them of the energy to push out words. They are perpetually whispering, hoping people will still believe they exist.

Before they started dieting followers of the anti-carb movement used to have personalities that consisted of conservative or liberal thoughts. Political and social arguments were the norm. Today, society seems to have fallen into some sort of hypnotic state with people more interested in what they eat versus what they are.

Such is the life of followers of the anti-carb movement.

But where did all this begin and how did so many people become so terrified of anything that had to do with carbohydrates. These foods include breads, potatoes, pasta, cereal, most fruits, and anything that has anything to do with sugar. These foods used to be the base of the food pyramid that we had been told since we were children we had to eat to eat to stay healthy.

What makes this diet even more incredible is that the foods we were once warned to avoid, like bacon, red meat, butter, cheese and anything to do with fat, we can now eat as much as we want. In fact, we are ordered to do so.

Whole industries have been destroyed by this newest of diet cults. Italian restaurants, where long lines of people used to form to enjoy the wonders of marinara covered pasta with mountains of hard crusted bread, waiting to be drowned in any sauce left after the linguine, ziti, or spaghetti has been eaten, are now vacant. The few people left to enjoy the feasts now order red meats with no pasta and a double order of vegetables that have to include broccoli or green salads. A carrot or any other sugar filled vegetable is simply not allowed.

The doughnut industry has been decimated by this newest diet fad. Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, which only recently had visions of global domination, has seen its profit margins cut and its stock price nosedive. Fast food outlets that used to rule the eating habits of the nation are now being forced to change their menus to include carb-free foods. Potato and potato chip companies have also been forced to come up with products that appear to have fewer carbohydrates in them. This is very difficult considering a potato is nothing but carb.

Last week this same industry came out with a report of a carb free potato. I believe they called it cauliflower. While there are many stories of failure due to this new cult there are also stories of success. The Atkins and South Beach diet industries went from smalltime businesses to world-class food suppliers of the millions who had jumped on the anti-carb bandwagon. These corporate behemoths now offer desserts, frozen meals, packaged foods and even candy that promise to be free of bad carbohydrates and full of good carbohydrates.

This is yet another wrinkle in the latest doctrine of health and well-being. Before Atkins most people knew of only one type of carbohydrate. Now, after the assault of the anti-carb movement we hear of bad carbs that put massive amounts of unwanted fat on us, while good carbs not only take the weight off but also will keep us regular. Apparently it’s okay to eat plenty of good carbs, which are basically all fiber and will pass through us before we have a chance to put on any weight.

The steak industry has been boosted by this newest of diet philosophies. Steak houses across the country are now filled with followers of the anti-carb movement. Whole menus have changed, promising to keep their diners in line with what they are told they should eat. Where there once were one or two steak houses in a town there are now multiple restaurants hawking the in formation that they are all meat all the time.

The question now is what will become of these anti-carb people? Where will they be a year from now?

Will they become part of a new type of disorder replacing anorexia?

Will hospitals across the nation have special wings built to handle the extreme cases of people literally wasting away? Will people start to become stupid because, after they lose all of the fat around their bodies, their brains will start to shrink? Remember the brain is 90% fat!

Will people be perpetually nervous and jittery because of reductions in the fatty insulation around their nerves? Will our government’s next health policy be to ask the American people to once again eat super-size so that we can be saved from becoming a nation of weaklings?

It seems like only yesterday that these anti-carb people were first seen wandering through our neighborhoods. The question now is how many of them will be left when the leaves change color and the first cold breath of winter makes itself felt. Remember, in the wonderful state of Maine, a good layer of fat is a necessity against an always long and brutally cold winter.

By the way, could you please pass the cauliflower?

Jim Fabiano is a teacher and writer living in York, Maine
Email Jim: yorkmarine~yahoo.com

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